DEAR ABBY: "Lost Teen in L.A." asked whether to tell the family about being sexually abused at 7 by a close relative. She is afraid of the repercussions the perpetrator will suffer if the secret is revealed. (You advised her to do so.)

Unfortunately, that isn't all she needs to be afraid of. I was molested by my father at age 7, and again by my brother at 14. Unfortunately, revealing what happened put me in the position of being perceived as "the accuser," while these two family members are regarded as "innocents."

I'm the one who is "forgotten" at family reunions. I am the one not invited for Sunday dinners. Why? The answer I was given by my own mother was: "He's now so old and fragile, he doesn't remember. His time on Earth is limited, so why bring up horrible things that can only cloud what days he has left?" He wasn't old and frail when he molested a 7-year-old.

I didn't bring out these allegations on my own. I was in therapy, and just coming to the realization that "something awful might have happened," when I got a phone call asking me straight out if I recalled any kind of abuse by my father. Dad had admitted it while in psychiatric care before he was placed in a nursing home. My world crumbled in seconds.

As for my brother, no one has heard from him in three years. I'm not sure he even knows that what he did to me is now out in the open. But I listen to my mother cry for a lost son and the grandchildren she will never see again. I also listen to other relatives -- who also know what happened -- comment that "maybe one day he'll just show up," and "wouldn't that be great?"

Please warn "Lost Teen" that while she may fear what happens to her molester, there's always the flip side of that coin. The first thing counselors tell us is it wasn't our fault. But sometimes our families treat us like it is. -- LOST IN THE LAND OF THE FREE

DEAR LOST: If my mail is any indication, molestation and incest happen more often than most people -- including me -- would like to think. Every time the subject appears in my column, I receive a flurry of letters from readers describing having been molested, too. The majority of them advise victims to speak up and start healing. Read on:

FROM DELAWARE, OHIO: I, too, would like to urge "Lost Teen" to tell someone. By keeping the secret, she's only protecting her abuser. When I was 10, I was repeatedly molested by a neighbor who had two children of his own. We took him to court. During the trial it was revealed he had previously molested another neighbor girl, who never told. If she had, it could have saved me and other children he might have abused.

FROM DELTONA, FLA.: I, too, was molested as a child. The two boys who did it were our next-door neighbors, who had been trusted to baby-sit us. The girl who wrote you should tell her parents. People who abuse children are sick; they need help. The next child who is molested by that relative may not be unscathed or even able to walk away at all.

FROM SALEM, VA.: I was also molested at age 7 by a female relative. She died a year ago, and I'm still bitter toward her. I am in therapy and coming to terms with what happened. I should never have kept silent as long as I did. It has taken a while, but my burden is finally becoming lighter. If "Lost Teen" speaks out and gets help, it will help her move forward.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend cheated on me -- and I'm only 12! We were going out for nine months, and one day after school, I saw him kissing a girl in back of the school building. He's 14, and she is older than him.

Am I too young to be dealing with this kind of problem? Heck, am I too young to have a boyfriend at all? Please answer this, Abby. I need advice. -- "KITTY" IN ARIZONA

DEAR KITTY: I'm sure it was a blow seeing someone you thought you had an exclusive relationship with kissing someone else. The years between 10 and 13 can be a particularly difficult time for girls. You are no longer a little girl, and you are not yet a teenager. (There used to be a saying, "Too old for toys and too young for boys," that describes the situation.)

At your age, if you are "going out" at all, it should be in groups. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be interested in boys -- this won't be the last one you have romantic feelings for -- but for now, a 14-year-old boy is too advanced for you, and you should slow down

DEAR ABBY: I have an elderly neighbor whose wife passed away four months ago. He has told me he's lonely, so I try to visit him once a month (sometimes bringing food), and chat with him when we see each other outside.

My husband and I have invited him to dinner twice, and both times he has made an excuse not to come ("bad weather," "not feeling well"). However, I'm getting the feeling the real reason may be he doesn't want to come to dinner with two very active -- although not undisciplined -- preschool children. I'm not offended by this; I'm just wondering if I should continue inviting him. -- TRYING TO BE A GOOD NEIGHBOR IN MICHIGAN

DEAR TRYING: Your neighbor could have any number of reasons why he doesn't accept your invitation, including liking the relationship the way it is or being unable to reciprocate your hospitality. Three times is the charm. Ask him once more, and if he refuses your invitation, do not pressure him further about coming over.

DEAR ABBY: I am grown, married and have two adult brothers -- one married, one single. My husband and I have been house-hunting in the same town where my mother and brothers live. (They all live separately.)

My problem is, when we were looking at houses, my mom kept mentioning building a mother-in-law unit in back or getting a house big enough for the three of us. She said it jokingly, but it made me uncomfortable. My husband had made it clear that Mom is NOT moving in. She is not old and she still works, but has a job that doesn't pay particularly well.

What should I say when she jokes about living with us? I spoke to my brothers about it, and she never says anything like this to them. -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN IRVING, TEXAS

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: There are three ways to deal with it. When she "jokingly" suggests moving in with you, you can laugh and say, "Oh, Mom, you're such a joker!" In a more serious vein, you can tell her that it just won't be possible and ask her to please stop bringing the subject up because it makes you uncomfortable. Or simply let the comment drop with no response at all.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: You were wrong, wrong, wrong to tell an atheist to say "amen" at the end of grace at dinner. Atheists do not believe that a god or gods of any kind exist.

"Amen," according to my dictionary, is used to express solemn ratification. Atheists do not ratify religion. Being coerced to appear to do so in the name of etiquette can leave an atheist feeling used and dishonest.

I, like many atheists, consider religion to be superstition, which, for the most part, is harmful to people. At its worst, religion prompts people to blow up buildings with innocent people -- even children -- in them. Examples include the "Christian" Identity gangsters who blew up the Federal Building in Oklahoma and the Muslims who flew airplanes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. -- HAPPY HEATHEN IN TEXAS

DEAR H.H.: We live in a country that guarantees religious freedom -- and that includes freedom FROM religion, if people wish. I disagree with you that religion is harmful, however. Religion doesn't prompt people to perpetrate the evils you described; FANATICISM does, when believers are inflamed by leaders with a political agenda.

DEAR ABBY: Of course atheists should respect others' beliefs -- and their rituals. But believers should also respect atheists' right to reject those beliefs and their rituals. Respect goes both ways. Mutual respect is shown when atheists act as silent observers while believers go about their business, and believers resist shaming atheists for refusing to mimic them. -- NORMAN IN UPPER MONTCLAIR, N.J.

DEAR NORMAN: Shaming others who refuse to mimic them? That's not proselytizing -- that's bullying.

DEAR ABBY: You must not have consulted your religious experts when you advised the atheist to bow his head and say "amen" after his dinner companions finish saying grace. You advised the person to be a hypocrite. -- KIMBERLY IN KEARNEY, MO.

DEAR KIMBERLY: If my mail is any indication, it can also mean "I'm glad it's over." I am Jewish, and I was describing what I do when grace is invoked.

By the way, did you know that Jewish people do not say grace before a meal? We say a blessing thanking God for bread. A full grace is not said until after the meal, to be sure we have had a meal to eat, and know exactly what we are thanking God for.

DEAR ABBY: What advice have you when the situation is reversed? Several times we have invited guests to our home for dinner, and when it became apparent that we do not observe this ritual, they have said some variation of "Shall we offer thanks?" It's usually a rhetorical question.

We are torn between wanting to be gracious hosts and being offended that people of faith are attempting to bully us with their religion. One couple not only wanted to say grace in our home, they demanded that everyone stand while they intoned a prayer of thanks to whomever it is they worship.

Is there a tactful way to let guests know the hosts do not appreciate the imposition of their religion? -- NON-BELIEVERS IN ILLINOIS

DEAR NON-BELIEVERS: Certainly. Just say to your guest, "Thank you for offering, but that won't be necessary."

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)