DEAR ABBY: You were wrong, wrong, wrong to tell an atheist to say "amen" at the end of grace at dinner. Atheists do not believe that a god or gods of any kind exist.

"Amen," according to my dictionary, is used to express solemn ratification. Atheists do not ratify religion. Being coerced to appear to do so in the name of etiquette can leave an atheist feeling used and dishonest.

I, like many atheists, consider religion to be superstition, which, for the most part, is harmful to people. At its worst, religion prompts people to blow up buildings with innocent people -- even children -- in them. Examples include the "Christian" Identity gangsters who blew up the Federal Building in Oklahoma and the Muslims who flew airplanes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. -- HAPPY HEATHEN IN TEXAS

DEAR H.H.: We live in a country that guarantees religious freedom -- and that includes freedom FROM religion, if people wish. I disagree with you that religion is harmful, however. Religion doesn't prompt people to perpetrate the evils you described; FANATICISM does, when believers are inflamed by leaders with a political agenda.

DEAR ABBY: Of course atheists should respect others' beliefs -- and their rituals. But believers should also respect atheists' right to reject those beliefs and their rituals. Respect goes both ways. Mutual respect is shown when atheists act as silent observers while believers go about their business, and believers resist shaming atheists for refusing to mimic them. -- NORMAN IN UPPER MONTCLAIR, N.J.

DEAR NORMAN: Shaming others who refuse to mimic them? That's not proselytizing -- that's bullying.

DEAR ABBY: You must not have consulted your religious experts when you advised the atheist to bow his head and say "amen" after his dinner companions finish saying grace. You advised the person to be a hypocrite. -- KIMBERLY IN KEARNEY, MO.

DEAR KIMBERLY: If my mail is any indication, it can also mean "I'm glad it's over." I am Jewish, and I was describing what I do when grace is invoked.

By the way, did you know that Jewish people do not say grace before a meal? We say a blessing thanking God for bread. A full grace is not said until after the meal, to be sure we have had a meal to eat, and know exactly what we are thanking God for.

DEAR ABBY: What advice have you when the situation is reversed? Several times we have invited guests to our home for dinner, and when it became apparent that we do not observe this ritual, they have said some variation of "Shall we offer thanks?" It's usually a rhetorical question.

We are torn between wanting to be gracious hosts and being offended that people of faith are attempting to bully us with their religion. One couple not only wanted to say grace in our home, they demanded that everyone stand while they intoned a prayer of thanks to whomever it is they worship.

Is there a tactful way to let guests know the hosts do not appreciate the imposition of their religion? -- NON-BELIEVERS IN ILLINOIS

DEAR NON-BELIEVERS: Certainly. Just say to your guest, "Thank you for offering, but that won't be necessary."

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My neighbors, whom I don't know well, are flying an American flag that is literally in shreds. You can no longer tell that it has red stripes because it is all a faded pink color. This upsets me greatly because I feel it is disrespectful to our country and inconsiderate to veterans.

Is there anyone I could contact about this to see that it is taken care of? -- PEEVED PATRIOT IN MARYLAND

DEAR PEEVED PATRIOT: Yes, your neighbor. According to the American Legion Flag Etiquette brochure, when a flag is damaged or faded it should be retired and replaced. According to the brochure, "When a flag has served its useful purpose it should be destroyed -- preferably by burning." Many American Legion posts conduct Disposal of Unserviceable Flag ceremonies every year, a dignified and solemn way of disposing of flags that are too worn to be displayed. Some local Boy Scout troops also provide this service as part of their training.

Before approaching your neighbor, contact your local branch of the American Legion -- or visit the Web site www.legion.org -- for more useful information about proper display of, and respect for, the American flag.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 23-year-old woman on the brink. I have toyed with the idea of becoming a nun for the last few years because of my horrible luck with love and men. I have never had a significant other. I was sexually abused as a small child, was never allowed to date in high school, and was too intimidated and busy in college to date. I always thought that having a boyfriend was a rite of passage that I was somehow excluded from because I'm not good enough.

I waited until a year after college graduation to lose my virginity, feeling very superior because I had waited until adulthood. Well, I made one mistake, contracted an STD, and now I feel dirty and stupid. I had unprotected sex with a stranger just once, and now my life feels like it's going down the drain in a fast, hard spiral.

I feel my only hope would be to move into a convent and pursue becoming a nun. Abby, please help me. I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. -- LOST AND HOPELESS IN LEXINGTON

DEAR LOST AND HOPELESS: Feeling dirty, stupid, sick and tired are not indications of a religious calling. However, they can be classic signs of depression. Far be it from me to discourage you from entering a convent if you wish; however, you would be doing yourself and the church a huge favor to resolve some of your personal issues before you do. The stronger you are, the more you will have to offer the religious community, and it appears you have some healing to do.

Your first step should be to talk to your doctor about what you have told me. With counseling and medication you will start to feel better about yourself and resolve the issues that have brought you to this point. Only then should you decide where to direct your future.

CONFIDENTIAL TO PAULINE PHILLIPS IN MINNEAPOLIS: Happy 87th birthday, Mama! You're still my role model, and as beautiful as ever.

DEAR ABBY: As far back as I can remember, my family has been in turmoil over spousal abuse, bitter sibling rivalries, and worse. Not surprisingly, I entered into a relationship with an abuser. My father's advice: "Go back, take your beating, and give that baby a home!"

Years later, after issues of childhood sexual abuse came up, I made a near total break. I have spent years in therapy, learning to protect myself and my child.

My family worships the god of respectability and public appearances. Despite years of spousal abuse, my mother has supported my father completely.

When Dad was near death, I made a final visit with my 7-year-old daughter and a support person. Abby, as my daughter played her violin for "Grandpa," he exposed himself to her. I attended his funeral for my mother's sake -- another mistake. My daughter was snubbed by her cousins and I was verbally attacked by an aunt.

In recent years, I limited our contact with my family. Mother's health is now failing, and she's in severe pain. I wish her no more suffering, but the situation hasn't changed. Do you think I should attend her funeral, or mourn privately for her passing? -- WANTS TO DO WHAT'S RIGHT

DEAR WANTS: Do what is right for you and your daughter, and discuss the ramifications of attending your mother's funeral with your therapist. Funerals sometimes bring out the worst in people, and from your description of them, your family could serve as poster models for dysfunction. If you feel the need to pay your respects, as far as I'm concerned, you and your daughter can visit her grave the following day. I see no reason to set yourself up for any further demonstrations of hostility.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a senior in high school, the oldest of three children. My 14-year-old brother, "Adam," is causing our whole family grief. My parents can no longer control him and they're lost as to what to do. Although Adam is still in junior high, he stays out until nearly midnight almost every night.

Dad and Mom commute two hours to work five days a week. They're physically and emotionally tired from worrying and waiting for him every night. Adam threatens to hurt us physically because he's the strongest person in the family. He won't listen to any of us and becomes furious if we ask where he spent the day. I'm writing this on behalf of my parents, because it hurts me to see the pain my brother is causing them. -- WORRIED SISTER IN SAN JOSE

DEAR WORRIED SISTER: Your brother's behavior is a cry for help. It's essential that your parents stop ignoring it and assert themselves. Most cities have a curfew for youth, and your brother may be breaking the law.

Your parents need to find out whether his problem is anger, drugs, hanging with the wrong crowd, emotional problems, etc. One of them may have to cut back on working/commuting for a while to assure that he can get counseling and supervision.

Under no circumstances should intimidation or violence be tolerated. Please tell your parents to consult their doctor for referral to a mental health professional for your brother, and possible family counseling for all of you.

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