DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband, "Greg," is being married in the fall to a wonderful woman I have come to regard as a friend. "Marla" is good to my two little boys. She pays their child support on time, attends every one of their school functions and sporting events, and loves them like they're her own.

I'm wondering if I should try to convince Marla not to marry Greg because he is very abusive. He has had problems with the law and was extremely violent during our marriage. I have the pictures to prove it. He even beat up my mother one time.

Members of Greg's family have told me he's already showing signs of being abusive to Marla. Should I voice my fears to her, or just be thankful there's someone there that I can trust with my boys? -- TROUBLED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR TROUBLED: Listen to your conscience and tell her what she could be in for. Don't be heavy-handed about it. Just arrange a private get-together and tell her you would hate to see what happened to you happen to her. Then take out the pictures and show them to her. If the spousal abuse is mentioned in your divorce papers, share that with her, too. After that, the decision is hers.

DEAR ABBY: I don't drink and neither does my family. My fiance drinks on occasion, as does the rest of his family. We are being married in September, and I'm having a problem with the alcohol issue.

Abby, I don't want booze at my wedding. I have agreed to serve wine or champagne, but his family says nobody wants to drink just that, and that a wedding is no fun unless people are getting a buzz. I want my special day to be memorable, not an excuse for people to get drunk and pass out.

My father says if they want to drink hard liquor, they can have an after-party at their house. They already plan to do it, but they still insist that the wedding won't be any fun without booze. I have 2 1/2 months before the wedding, and I'm beginning to have second thoughts about going through with it. Your thoughts, please. -- SOBER BRIDE, BRANDON, FLA.

DEAR SOBER: If sobriety is important to you, you must realize that after your wedding you will be joining a family with a very different point of view from your own. That difference will be apparent during every family visit and celebration. People who can't "have fun" without drinking are alcohol-dependent, and you cannot change them. It's time to have a serious talk with your fiance about it, because this is an issue that could drive a serious wedge between you.

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DEAR ABBY: Your answer to Brenda in Lakeland, Fla., who asked whether she should leave dead pets buried in her yard when she moves to another home, was off base.

I thought my pets were safely buried under a tree five years ago when we sold our home. Two years ago, I drove by my old house and, to my horror, saw that the tree had been torn out and a swimming pool now sat where we buried my beloved "Prince." The poor thing probably ended up in a landfill or a freeway base. Fortunately, before we moved, I had dug up another precious dog and had his remains cremated. He will go with me when I go.

I urge anyone who loves a departed pet and who is moving to always cremate. With real estate as valuable as it is, you can't trust any land to remain untouched by developers. The house I grew up in was in the country in 1955. Million-dollar homes now sit on that same acreage. My advice is to cremate pets and have them buried with you when the time comes. -- WE'RE ALL GOING TOGETHER IN GARDENVILLE, NEV.

DEAR GOING TOGETHER: Please accept my sympathy. The responses I have received to that letter have been varied, but all have been heartfelt. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I agree with you that the remains should stay where they are. However, I have a suggestion to offer that will help her feel as though her pets are still with her.

When my parents moved from our childhood home where our three family dogs were buried, my brother gathered some dirt from their burial site along with three large rocks. At my parents' new home, he buried the dirt and marked the spot with the rocks, representing each beloved dog. This way they are close to our family, while staying where they lived their lives. -- ALISON IN BOTHELL, WASH.

DEAR ALISON: Now that's what I call a workable compromise.

DEAR ABBY: Sorry, but I don't agree about leaving the pets buried in the back yard when the family moves. Imagine the trauma when the new owner's kids accidentally dig up one of them. Instead, they should contact their veterinarian or the health department about proper disposal of their pets. -- GUS IN WOODSTOCK, ILL.

DEAR GUS: Trauma? Much would depend upon how old the children were. A young child might be frightened; an older child might be curious -- especially if he or she was with friends when it happened.

DEAR ABBY: You advised leaving the pet's remains where they are. My husband and I couldn't bring ourselves to do it. When we moved three years ago, we exhumed our beloved schnauzer's remains (his ashes were buried in a container in our yard) and took the container and headstone with us. We find it comforting knowing he's nearby, and he now has a lovely new spot in our new yard. -- LU IN JACKSONVILLE, FLA.

DEAR LU: If his presence brings you comfort, more power to you.

DEAR ABBY: I buried my pet bird in my back yard many years ago and installed a concrete marker. That marker, dated June 1944, now rests in my daughter's garden, hundreds of miles away, and still looks as good as new. It no longer marks my bird's burial place, but rather a place in our family's heart. Your answer was perfect. -- LARRY IN EMERY, S.D.

DEAR LARRY: Your letter echoes one I received from Pam C. of Duluth, Ga., who wrote: "Tell Brenda to take the markers but leave the animals. The markers will mean nothing to the next owner, but they will bring her warmth every time she sees them in her next yard. I've been there and done that."

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Last night I was having trouble accessing the Internet on my computer and wanted to see if my wife's laptop was having the same problem. When I opened her computer, I found she had left open an e-mail from a family friend, and my name caught my eye.

The letter was about how much he and she loved each other, and what they should do about it because they didn't want to hurt me.

I didn't read any further, and I haven't mentioned to my wife that I saw it. I can understand what's behind it -- I'm almost 40 and I've gained a lot of weight in recent years. I have never been a great husband, and my wife has made it clear she doesn't feel the same way about me as she once did. The man who wrote to her is a really nice person, and I trust both of them enough that I doubt there is anything physical going on. They're just trying to deal with their emotions. Complicating things, my wife and I have an 8-year-old daughter.

What should I do? I want my wife to be happy, and maybe she'd be happier with him than with me. I know she wouldn't want to hurt me, so I'd rather not let her know how badly this has wounded me because it would make her feel awful. Counseling is pretty much out of the question, because she would not be comfortable with that.

I feel like all I can do is find a way to get out of the picture and let her go on with her life, but I hate the thought of being away from her and our daughter because I love them both very much.

Do I have any options here, or am I as trapped as I feel? -- DEVASTATED IN SANTA MONICA

DEAR DEVASTATED: Let me get this straight. Your wife is having an affair, definitely emotional and possibly physical, and you don't want to confront her because you're afraid it might hurt HER? She has "made it clear" she doesn't feel the same way about you that she once did, and you're afraid that marriage counseling might make HER uncomfortable?

Sir, it's time to get your head straight -- and the quickest way to do it is counseling for yourself to discover where you left your self-esteem. Before you make any decisions about the future of your marriage, it is vital that you get some therapy. Sneaking away is not the answer; the answer is putting your house in order.

DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband is being married next week to a woman who was the catalyst in breaking up our 21-year marriage. My children don't care for her, although they are respectful in her presence. I am friendly toward her, but refuse to be her "friend," and, in her words, "put the animosity in the past."

Because I have chosen to remain friendly toward my "ex" for the sake of our three children, I feel a need to give him a wedding gift. Is that proper? Thank you for your suggestions. -- STILL HURTING IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR STILL HURTING: Any number of token items might be suitable as a wedding gift: a nut dish (because he was crazy to leave you), an alarm clock ("Disregard the ticking and open anyway!"), or a welcome mat (so you can wipe your feet on it when you must cross their threshold). As far as I'm concerned, you have already given a significant "gift" -- your husband and all the years you invested in the marriage. (Priceless!)

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)