DEAR ABBY: Your answer to Brenda in Lakeland, Fla., who asked whether she should leave dead pets buried in her yard when she moves to another home, was off base.

I thought my pets were safely buried under a tree five years ago when we sold our home. Two years ago, I drove by my old house and, to my horror, saw that the tree had been torn out and a swimming pool now sat where we buried my beloved "Prince." The poor thing probably ended up in a landfill or a freeway base. Fortunately, before we moved, I had dug up another precious dog and had his remains cremated. He will go with me when I go.

I urge anyone who loves a departed pet and who is moving to always cremate. With real estate as valuable as it is, you can't trust any land to remain untouched by developers. The house I grew up in was in the country in 1955. Million-dollar homes now sit on that same acreage. My advice is to cremate pets and have them buried with you when the time comes. -- WE'RE ALL GOING TOGETHER IN GARDENVILLE, NEV.

DEAR GOING TOGETHER: Please accept my sympathy. The responses I have received to that letter have been varied, but all have been heartfelt. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I agree with you that the remains should stay where they are. However, I have a suggestion to offer that will help her feel as though her pets are still with her.

When my parents moved from our childhood home where our three family dogs were buried, my brother gathered some dirt from their burial site along with three large rocks. At my parents' new home, he buried the dirt and marked the spot with the rocks, representing each beloved dog. This way they are close to our family, while staying where they lived their lives. -- ALISON IN BOTHELL, WASH.

DEAR ALISON: Now that's what I call a workable compromise.

DEAR ABBY: Sorry, but I don't agree about leaving the pets buried in the back yard when the family moves. Imagine the trauma when the new owner's kids accidentally dig up one of them. Instead, they should contact their veterinarian or the health department about proper disposal of their pets. -- GUS IN WOODSTOCK, ILL.

DEAR GUS: Trauma? Much would depend upon how old the children were. A young child might be frightened; an older child might be curious -- especially if he or she was with friends when it happened.

DEAR ABBY: You advised leaving the pet's remains where they are. My husband and I couldn't bring ourselves to do it. When we moved three years ago, we exhumed our beloved schnauzer's remains (his ashes were buried in a container in our yard) and took the container and headstone with us. We find it comforting knowing he's nearby, and he now has a lovely new spot in our new yard. -- LU IN JACKSONVILLE, FLA.

DEAR LU: If his presence brings you comfort, more power to you.

DEAR ABBY: I buried my pet bird in my back yard many years ago and installed a concrete marker. That marker, dated June 1944, now rests in my daughter's garden, hundreds of miles away, and still looks as good as new. It no longer marks my bird's burial place, but rather a place in our family's heart. Your answer was perfect. -- LARRY IN EMERY, S.D.

DEAR LARRY: Your letter echoes one I received from Pam C. of Duluth, Ga., who wrote: "Tell Brenda to take the markers but leave the animals. The markers will mean nothing to the next owner, but they will bring her warmth every time she sees them in her next yard. I've been there and done that."

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Last night I was having trouble accessing the Internet on my computer and wanted to see if my wife's laptop was having the same problem. When I opened her computer, I found she had left open an e-mail from a family friend, and my name caught my eye.

The letter was about how much he and she loved each other, and what they should do about it because they didn't want to hurt me.

I didn't read any further, and I haven't mentioned to my wife that I saw it. I can understand what's behind it -- I'm almost 40 and I've gained a lot of weight in recent years. I have never been a great husband, and my wife has made it clear she doesn't feel the same way about me as she once did. The man who wrote to her is a really nice person, and I trust both of them enough that I doubt there is anything physical going on. They're just trying to deal with their emotions. Complicating things, my wife and I have an 8-year-old daughter.

What should I do? I want my wife to be happy, and maybe she'd be happier with him than with me. I know she wouldn't want to hurt me, so I'd rather not let her know how badly this has wounded me because it would make her feel awful. Counseling is pretty much out of the question, because she would not be comfortable with that.

I feel like all I can do is find a way to get out of the picture and let her go on with her life, but I hate the thought of being away from her and our daughter because I love them both very much.

Do I have any options here, or am I as trapped as I feel? -- DEVASTATED IN SANTA MONICA

DEAR DEVASTATED: Let me get this straight. Your wife is having an affair, definitely emotional and possibly physical, and you don't want to confront her because you're afraid it might hurt HER? She has "made it clear" she doesn't feel the same way about you that she once did, and you're afraid that marriage counseling might make HER uncomfortable?

Sir, it's time to get your head straight -- and the quickest way to do it is counseling for yourself to discover where you left your self-esteem. Before you make any decisions about the future of your marriage, it is vital that you get some therapy. Sneaking away is not the answer; the answer is putting your house in order.

DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband is being married next week to a woman who was the catalyst in breaking up our 21-year marriage. My children don't care for her, although they are respectful in her presence. I am friendly toward her, but refuse to be her "friend," and, in her words, "put the animosity in the past."

Because I have chosen to remain friendly toward my "ex" for the sake of our three children, I feel a need to give him a wedding gift. Is that proper? Thank you for your suggestions. -- STILL HURTING IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR STILL HURTING: Any number of token items might be suitable as a wedding gift: a nut dish (because he was crazy to leave you), an alarm clock ("Disregard the ticking and open anyway!"), or a welcome mat (so you can wipe your feet on it when you must cross their threshold). As far as I'm concerned, you have already given a significant "gift" -- your husband and all the years you invested in the marriage. (Priceless!)

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I lost a very dear friend. At one point, 12 years ago, "James" was the air I breathed. Things didn't work out for us to be together like we planned. James started dating my best friend at the time, and I began dating a friend of his. Eventually, I married someone else.

I have just learned that James is dead. I haven't fully recovered from the news. I am still close to his family.

My husband has always made comments like, "There's your boyfriend," or, "You still love your boyfriend." And honestly -- yes, I do. Twelve years ago, James was my everything -- my first love, my first sexual experience.

In the interest of my marriage, I stopped communicating with James, and he understood why. We moved half a continent away from my hometown. I have new friends, a new life. But I'm having the worst time accepting that James is gone. I have no one to grieve with. How do I get through this? How do I make my husband a part of my sadness? What hurts most is I never got to say goodbye. Please help me. -- SAD IN NEVADA

DEAR SAD: Please accept my sympathy for your loss. Do not try to make your husband a part of your sadness. He has suffered enough. After feeling like second-best all these years, he may be experiencing a feeling of relief.

You say that James was your first everything. It's interesting how we tend to idealize our "firsts." However, things didn't work out between you for a reason. Try to remember what that reason was.

While James had dwelled in your heart, he has never grown repetitious or boring, lost any hair, or grown thick around the middle. He has never come home late without calling, forgotten to throw dirty laundry in the hamper or argued with you over money. Perfection is a difficult act for anyone to compete with. Your husband must love you very much.

Because you weren't able to say goodbye to James, another way to gain closure would be to write him a letter. Put in it all of the things you would like to have told him if you'd had the chance -- and end it by telling him goodbye. Then send it off to heaven by burning it. That way nothing will have been left unsaid, and your message will be forever private. If that doesn't help you to heal, then please consider grief counseling.

DEAR ABBY: I interviewed today for my dream job and have been asked back for a second interview. My problem is, the interviewer was borderline about recommending me because I came across as timid. I know I'd be great for the job. I believe I'll be one of their best -- maybe even THE best. However, I also know that interviewers often perceive me as shy and timid. How can I come across as more sure of myself? -- HOPING AND PRAYING

DEAR HOPING AND PRAYING: Be conscious of your posture and don't slump. When you walk in for the interview, smile. It projects confidence and will put those around you at ease. Do not be afraid to make eye contact. When you speak, if you tend to talk softly, pretend you're addressing someone a foot or two behind the interviewer, and it will cause your voice to project with greater volume. Individuals who speak up are perceived as being more self-confident. When the interview is over, smile and make your handshake a firm one. Good luck!