DEAR ABBY: I am a 35-year-old new mommy of a beautiful, 5-month-old little boy. After trying unsuccessfully to conceive for nearly three years, we were blessed to have our son with the help of in vitro fertilization.

My problem is my mother. Before my son's birth, she gave me all kinds of advice. When I didn't use all of it, she would say sarcastically, "Well, I guess you're smarter than I am -- you know everything." Now the baby is here, things have gotten worse.

I finally had to ask her to stop giving me advice on how to lose weight. If she's baby-sitting and I give her the baby's schedule for feeding and napping, she gets offended. If I ask her to do something for him in a certain way, she yells at me to "stop criticizing" her. She will no longer come to our home since "she doesn't want to go anywhere she will be criticized."

I'm sad that she and Dad are missing out on their first grandchild's growing up. What should I do? -- NEW MOM, CHARLOTTE, N.C.

DEAR NEW MOM: Since you seem unable to get through to your mother, ask your father to explain to her that the most welcome advice is that which is asked for, and not that which is unsolicited and intrusive. Other than that, stick to your guns unless you want your son raised according to your mother's rules and on a schedule that's most convenient for her.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a college student whose parents are long divorced. Mom married Dad's brother two years ago. His wife died of cancer five years ago, and he and Mom fell in love when they met again.

Dad has also found someone. He and "Vanessa" are engaged and wedding invitations have been sent out. Abby, I was shocked to learn that my mom is not invited. An invitation was sent to my uncle only. Mom invited Dad and the woman he was married to at the time to her wedding, so Vanessa's exclusion of my mother is surprising.

Vanessa excuses her rudeness by saying "ex-wives don't come to weddings." (She doesn't seem to appreciate how rude it is to invite a husband without a wife.) I told my father how uncomfortable this makes me. He says it has nothing to do with me.

My mother is deeply hurt. I feel if I attend their wedding, it'll be endorsing the way she has been treated. What should I do? -- DISGUSTED IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DISGUSTED: Vanessa's desire to exclude your mother may be based on something she was told about your mother, or insecurity. You didn't mention whether your uncle plans to attend without your mother. Be warned that if you decline the invitation, it will set the tone for your relationship -- or lack of one -- in the future. However, if your uncle does plan to go, and feeling as you do, then decline politely with the explanation that it's so your mom won't be all alone on their happy occasion.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 12-year-old girl who can't communicate with my father. My parents are divorced, so it makes it hard to have a loving relationship with him.

I tried talking to him about it once, but he just wouldn't listen! Would you please give me some advice to help this situation? -- HELP! IN ARIZONA

DEAR HELP: Because you find it difficult to talk to your dad -- and he doesn't make it any easier -- put your thoughts and feelings in a letter to him. I can't guarantee it will solve the problem, but it's worth a try.

P.S. If it doesn't bring the desired result, you'll know the problem is his, and that it's not about you.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 37-year-old woman who's engaged to be married. It will be a first marriage for both of us. I love my fiance, "Gill," very much, but I have a gut feeling something is not right. Since our engagement I am noticing things I either didn't see or ignored before.

Some examples: Gill recently moved back to his home state, so we talk on the phone every other day. When we talk, he has to make whatever we talk about sexual. Not that I have anything against sex -- it just annoys me that Gill can't think beyond his zipper when I'm trying to talk about a movie I just saw.

He also never really has discussed his family or his past. He has met the majority of my family, but I have yet to meet anyone from his.

Gill makes a point of saying, once we are married he firmly believes the man should be "the head of the household, the decision maker." I told him that I don't believe in that "caveman, cavewoman" mentality and for him to get over himself.

Although he has never verbally or physically abused me, I'm getting strange vibes, and I'm ready to call off the engagement. Am I being paranoid or a ... NERVOUS BRIDE-TO-BE?

DEAR NERVOUS: You're not being paranoid. Listen to your intuition. For all of the reasons you have stated, you should not marry this man without extensive premarital counseling.

DEAR ABBY: I am 10. I was born in 1994. My problem is I really, really wish I had lived in the '80s. I know this sounds stupid, but the style was awesome -- not skanky. The music was great -- not rap. The '80s seem awesome! I mean, they had good songs like "She Blinded Me With Science." The '80s seem so cool -- at least people are always saying so.

Help, Abby, please. I'm sitting here listening to '80s music now. I wouldn't admit this to anyone else except my mom or dad. -- BORN IN THE WRONG ERA

DEAR IN THE WRONG ERA: I can't "fix" your problem, but it may comfort you to know that many people feel the way you do about various eras -- and that includes the roaring '20s, the romantic '30s, the fashionable '40s, the revolutionary '60s, the experimental '70s, as well as the "awesome" '80s.

When you're older, you'll be able to satisfy your "itch" to live in the '80s by collecting music, clothing and accessories from that decade. It's not exactly a trip back in time, but it will capture the nostalgia.

DEAR ABBY: I have always had my election ballots sent to my mother's house. (She lives only three blocks away.) While I was out of town on a recent business trip, my mother requested an absentee ballot in my name and then voted for me without my knowledge. When she told me over the phone what she had done, I told her it was illegal. I am less concerned about who and what she voted for than the fact she did this at all. Other than my wife, no one knows because I have kept this issue discreet. What should I do? -- TROUBLED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR TROUBLED: Contact the registrar of voters and give a change of address to the house in which you reside. That way your voter information and sample ballots will no longer be sent to your mother's address, and she won't be tempted to commit voter fraud again.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have never written you before, but after reading the letter from the woman who said her 11-year-old daughter "sometimes gets scared at night and thinks she hears voices and someone walking near her room," I had to write. When my younger sister was her age, she, too, would get scared at night and hear people walking/talking outside her room when there weren't. It became so bad she could hardly get to sleep at night.

Our mother took her to the doctor to be examined, and he discovered that her thyroid gland was severely overactive. Once her thyroid hormone was returned to normal levels (not a quick or easy process), her hallucinations stopped and have not returned. We were lucky she was diagnosed before she suffered any long-term effects. Please urge that mother to have her daughter evaluated by a medical professional ASAP to rule out any physical or psychological causes. -- R.N. IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR R.N.: I agree that if the girl's symptoms persist she should be evaluated by a doctor, but not necessarily for the reason you stated. Several readers wrote to point out that the girl, whose father was fanning her fears, may be being molested by him. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: For three years straight, the "technique" described by the mother of that young girl was identical to the concealment of incest perpetrated by my former husband.

Such behavior is the last thing a wife or mother ever suspects, even when she should. I was lucky; I walked in on it. I agree that the writer's husband is playing a mind game with his wife and daughter.

I noticed my former husband's absence from our bed and failure to return, and one night I went looking for him. I found him lifting our 12-year-old from her bed while touching her inappropriately. My daughter was whimpering, not fully conscious, and he was apparently talking to himself.

I wordlessly lifted her from his arms, placed her back in bed and remained with her for the rest of the night -- while checking on the other girls and my husband's whereabouts.

There may, indeed, BE a nighttime intruder, Abby -- the husband. Such men, if the child is awake enough, will not hesitate to threaten to kill the mother if the child "tells." Same old script, not much variation. -- WISER NOW IN HAWAII

DEAR WISER NOW: Your letter is chilling. Thank you for sharing your experience.

DEAR ABBY: Please tell that woman if her husband insists on scaring her by implying there might be an intruder in the house, to ask him ONCE to do a walk-through to see if the house is secure. If he refuses and says he's going to sleep, tell him OK -- that you'll just call the police and tell them your husband said there might be an intruder on the premises and ask THEM to go through the house.

I guarantee the first time she has to do it, it will be the last time he pulls that stunt. What he's doing is a power play. He's trying to control them. But if she takes the ball out of his court, then he won't be able to play! -- A COP'S SISTER

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)