DEAR ABBY: I had cause recently to see a psychiatrist. When he took my history, I revealed that at age 12, I was raped five times by an older brother.

The psychiatrist objected to my using the word "rape," and told me the correct terminology was "molested." To me, being molested is far less severe an intrusion than being forced to submit to intercourse.

Could it be denial on the psychiatrist's part? Don't people get sent to prison for raping women -- not "molesting" them? Is this kind of thing widespread among psychiatrists? -- OFFENDED IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR OFFENDED: I hope not, because instead of acknowledging what was rightfully a very traumatic event in your life, that doctor chose to argue semantics. My Webster's Collegiate Dictionary (Tenth Edition) defines "molest" as "1: to annoy, disturb or persecute esp. with hostile intent or injurious effect; 2: to make annoying sexual advances to; esp: to force physical and usu. sexual contact on."

While the doctor was technically correct, it was more important for you to feel comfortable than for him to "one up" you. If I were you, I'd continue interviewing psychiatrists because this one appears to lack empathy.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter was asked to be the flower girl in the wedding of a friend. We were delighted for her to be a part of the wedding -- that's not the problem.

We attended the bridal shower last week, and I lent a helping hand with some of the duties. When the shower was winding down, the maid of honor approached me and asked me to "settle up" for the party. She announced that my part of the shower was in excess of $100. I was stunned. I have never heard of the flower girl being financially responsible for a bridal shower at the ripe old age of 5.

Because I had no way of paying, I told her I'd try and send something soon. I wasn't planning on this added expense and was not warned that I'd be asked to pay for a fifth of the shower. What should I do? -- NOT A BRIDESMAID

DEAR NOT: As I see it, you have a choice. You can ignore the request, or smash your little girl's piggy bank and send the maid of honor the contents. I recommend the former.

DEAR ABBY: A colleague of mine recently lost his mother to cancer. Condolences were offered in the form of flowers the day before the obituary was published requesting donations be made instead to the American Cancer Society.

The response to my offer when I inquired about the delivery address was: "The son is hosting a dinner Thursday night. Instead of flowers, why don't you just send over dessert?" I did as requested, but was somewhat perplexed.

I felt I did not appropriately honor his mother. Are condolences, such as flowers, strictly for the bereaved -- meaning what they want is what they get? Or are they more about tributes and messages of respect about the departed? -- CONFUSED IN BELLAIRE, TEXAS

DEAR CONFUSED: The time to show respect for the departed is while they are still with us. Funerals and the rituals that accompany them are to comfort the living.

DEAR ABBY: My grandchildren, ages 2 and 4, sleep in their mother's bed at night. (They do have rooms of their own.)

When my son and daughter-in-law go on vacation this summer and I baby-sit, do I have the right to try to get them to sleep in their own rooms? -- SOLO SLEEPER IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR SOLO SLEEPER: Absolutely. I wish you luck!

DEAR ABBY: My grandchildren, ages 2 and 4, sleep in their mother's bed at night. (They do have rooms of their own.)

When my son and daughter-in-law go on vacation this summer and I baby-sit, do I have the right to try to get them to sleep in their own rooms? -- SOLO SLEEPER IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR SOLO SLEEPER: Absolutely. I wish you luck!

DEAR ABBY: I married the love of my life, "Simon," a year ago. At the time, I was five months' pregnant. While Simon and I stood taking our vows at the altar, his mother, "Bernice," felt the need to stand up and announce that the only reason we were being married was because I was pregnant -- and that I'd done it on purpose to tie him down. I was devastated hearing this at my wedding, and I let Simon know it. I tried to forgive her.

A few months later, Bernice arrived at the hospital as I was giving birth. Again, she started in on how I got pregnant on purpose to tie her son down and began telling everyone in my family how horrible I was. Again, I tried to forgive her.

The final straw came when plans were being made to celebrate Simon's college graduation. Bernice made dinner reservations for everyone in the family and excluded my son and me. I told Simon how hurt I was. His response, "I can't control my mother."

Abby, I was so fed up with having to swallow her abuse with no support from my husband that I kicked him out. I desperately wish he would confront his mother about her abusive behavior, but he's scared of her. I have tried talking to her about it, but when I do she just gets worse. I want to save my marriage, but I don't want Bernice around me or my son anymore. What should I do? -- HAD ENOUGH IN GRAPEVINE, TEXAS

DEAR HAD ENOUGH: Whether or not your marriage is salvageable is up to your husband. You married a man with an impossible, domineering and hostile mother. Forget that it takes "two to tango." Because Simon hasn't accepted his own responsibility in the conception of this child, he has allowed his mother to portray you as the tramp who tricked him into fatherhood. There is nothing you can do. It's up to Simon to deal with his mother. Unless he's willing to confront the problem, get marriage counseling with you and ACT on it, nothing will change.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 27-year-old stay-at-home mom with three kids. Two are my fiance "Sean's"; the littlest is ours together. Sean and I have been together almost seven years.

I need help. I am a very depressed person and have been for many years. I shop excessively and spend way too much -- sometimes all of our money -- and I don't know how to stop. Shopping makes me feel happy, and when I'm depressed (which is often), I go out shopping for stuff I don't even need. I have even started shopping online for stuff. I feel horrible about this. Sean and I have tried separate bank accounts, but when I'd run low I would just tap right into his. Please help me. I don't know what to do. -- SPEND-A-HOLIC IN VENTURA, CALIF.

DEAR SPEND-A-HOLIC: It is time to stop and take inventory of what you have and what you don't. You are substituting "things" for something important that's missing in your life. (Could it be a wedding ring?) Trying to self-medicate long-term depression by going on a spending spree is putting a Band-Aid on an infected wound.

Please contact your physician for a referral to a doctor who can give you medication to lift the depression, as well as counseling for your underlying problem. It's the only way to fix what's ailing you.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Gene," and I met a week before my 13th birthday. Gene had always been a poor student and preferred a job making money to learning. (He never learned to read past a kindergarten level; therefore he doesn't write well.)

We moved into our own home in 1999. We both wanted children, and our daughter was born in 2001. Our relationship was great -- until we had someone else to care for. Because Gene was brought up old-fashioned, he decided I was to stay at home and care for the house and kids while he worked and provided for us.

Things got physical not long after our daughter arrived. We'd argue and I'd try to leave, only to result in my being choked. Or he'd throw me against a wall to prevent me from calling 911. One time, he broke my nose. He was never violent toward the children -- I had a son in 2004 -- only toward me because of them. He said I never did things right or I took up for them.

I left for good six weeks ago. I have left many times before, but went back because of dependency. This time I have a lot of support, plus I'm enlisting in the Air Force. My father served in the military for 21 years, and is quitting his truck-driving job to care for my children while I attend basic training and tech school. Gene knows I'm not coming back this time. We're on speaking terms only because of the children.

Abby, I find myself wondering if, after my six years in the service, I should try to reconcile with Gene. On some level, I know it wouldn't work and it's wrong to even think about going back to that life after being given a chance for a better one. But then, I picture Gene with us in that better life. Would it be a slap in the face if, in the end, Gene and I worked out our differences and forgot about the past? -- NEEDS ANSWERS IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR NEEDS ANSWERS: It could be a slap in the face; it could also be a broken jaw, another broken bone -- the possibilities are endless. Although your husband "wasn't violent toward the children," by failing to control his rage he EXPOSED them to violence. Nowhere in your letter did you mention that he has any desire to change. Because your 4-year-old daughter knows no different, she thinks her daddy's behavior is normal. It is urgent that she learn it is NOT normal, and it's your job to teach her that lesson by example.

You are making positive strides in the right direction. My advice is to keep marching forward and don't look back.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I plan to be married next winter. Our church holds 700 people, while the reception hall holds only 200. We would love to invite lots of people to the ceremony -- co-workers, acquaintances, etc. -- but have the reception only for out-of-town guests, close friends and family due to the limited space.

Is there a proper way to exclude people from the reception? I don't want to insult anyone. -- WEDDING BELLE IN FLORIDA

DEAR WEDDING BELLE: In a word, no. To invite 700 guests to a wedding and exclude 500 of them from the reception would be insulting and a social gaffe that would take you years to live down. Either limit your wedding to 200 guests or find a larger place to hold your reception.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)