DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Gene," and I met a week before my 13th birthday. Gene had always been a poor student and preferred a job making money to learning. (He never learned to read past a kindergarten level; therefore he doesn't write well.)

We moved into our own home in 1999. We both wanted children, and our daughter was born in 2001. Our relationship was great -- until we had someone else to care for. Because Gene was brought up old-fashioned, he decided I was to stay at home and care for the house and kids while he worked and provided for us.

Things got physical not long after our daughter arrived. We'd argue and I'd try to leave, only to result in my being choked. Or he'd throw me against a wall to prevent me from calling 911. One time, he broke my nose. He was never violent toward the children -- I had a son in 2004 -- only toward me because of them. He said I never did things right or I took up for them.

I left for good six weeks ago. I have left many times before, but went back because of dependency. This time I have a lot of support, plus I'm enlisting in the Air Force. My father served in the military for 21 years, and is quitting his truck-driving job to care for my children while I attend basic training and tech school. Gene knows I'm not coming back this time. We're on speaking terms only because of the children.

Abby, I find myself wondering if, after my six years in the service, I should try to reconcile with Gene. On some level, I know it wouldn't work and it's wrong to even think about going back to that life after being given a chance for a better one. But then, I picture Gene with us in that better life. Would it be a slap in the face if, in the end, Gene and I worked out our differences and forgot about the past? -- NEEDS ANSWERS IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR NEEDS ANSWERS: It could be a slap in the face; it could also be a broken jaw, another broken bone -- the possibilities are endless. Although your husband "wasn't violent toward the children," by failing to control his rage he EXPOSED them to violence. Nowhere in your letter did you mention that he has any desire to change. Because your 4-year-old daughter knows no different, she thinks her daddy's behavior is normal. It is urgent that she learn it is NOT normal, and it's your job to teach her that lesson by example.

You are making positive strides in the right direction. My advice is to keep marching forward and don't look back.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I plan to be married next winter. Our church holds 700 people, while the reception hall holds only 200. We would love to invite lots of people to the ceremony -- co-workers, acquaintances, etc. -- but have the reception only for out-of-town guests, close friends and family due to the limited space.

Is there a proper way to exclude people from the reception? I don't want to insult anyone. -- WEDDING BELLE IN FLORIDA

DEAR WEDDING BELLE: In a word, no. To invite 700 guests to a wedding and exclude 500 of them from the reception would be insulting and a social gaffe that would take you years to live down. Either limit your wedding to 200 guests or find a larger place to hold your reception.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 24 years old and two months away from moving in with the man I love. We're moving into a house he purchased but cannot afford without me. I love him and cannot imagine my life without him. We fit each other perfectly in every respect except one: I want children and he doesn't.

Whenever I bring up the subject, he becomes agitated and argues that he hasn't made up his mind about it, but is "leaning toward no."

I'm left wondering if I should take this huge step when I know if he doesn't want kids, I will have to leave. Should I force him into telling me once and for all what the deal is, or wait to see if maturity changes his mind (as my peers have urged me to do)? Won't it be harder to leave after I move in? -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN NEW YORK

DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: It not only will be harder to leave once you move in, it will also be harder to leave after you have invested more time in the relationship. What if maturity doesn't change his mind? You may love him, but you would be making a huge mistake to move in with him while this question remains unresolved. I recommend premarital counseling before you make up your mind about this man.

DEAR ABBY: I have a close friend who has decided to be married 2,000 miles away from home -- as well as the home of 90 percent of her guests. I am the only single person among the bride's group of friends, and I have been told I will not be invited with a date.

I tried to talk to her about this privately, explaining that I will feel uncomfortable being the only one without a date among six or seven couples. I also told her the expense would be too much for me to bear alone. Her response? "You never know; you could be in a serious relationship or engaged by the time I send out the invitations. Then you'd be invited with a date."

Is it appropriate to invite out-of-towners to a wedding without a guest? How do I respond without looking jealous, petty or rude? -- SINGLED OUT IN CHICAGO

DEAR SINGLED OUT: Many brides limit their guest list because of financial constraints; however, in this case lack of money seems to be less her problem than glaring lack of sensitivity. Handle the problem by citing the reasons you have given me, and decline the invitation "because the expense would be too much to bear alone."

DEAR ABBY: My spouse and I enjoy having friends over and entertaining. Both of us tend to be "early-to-bed and early-to-rise." Our problem is, when we have friends over, they often don't want to go home. By 11 p.m., both of us are starting to fall asleep. They don't seem to get the message. How does one let their guests know the party is over? -- SLEEPY IN NEW YORK

DEAR SLEEPY: There are two ways to accomplish it. The first is to invite your guests over for a specific period of time, for example: dinner from 7 to 10. Or, when you or your spouse grows tired, stand up and say, "Well, it was wonderful of you good people to come, but it's time to call it a night." Give it a try; it works.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Paula in Tucson" wrote that she's short, under 5 feet tall, and plans to build her dream home with cabinets customized to suit her height. However, her mother is vehemently against it. You suggested the mother might be worried that her home would be so uniquely customized it could adversely affect the resale value, and that she consider having the shelves and cabinets made adjustable as is sometimes done for people with disabilities.

Please tell that woman to stick to her guns. I have a friend who did exactly what Paula wants to do. Several years later she had to move because her husband was transferred. They decided to place an ad in the Sunday paper for an "Open House for Short People." On Sunday morning they were shocked to find cars lined up on both sides of their street and prospective buyers fighting about who was there first.

They sold the house that same day to the highest bidder. There are many short people in this world who find most houses uncomfortable to live in. -- FRIEND OF A SHORT PERSON IN FLORIDA

DEAR FRIEND: Your message was repeated by several architects who were kind enough to write. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have been a practicing architect for 40 years, and I've built facilities and homes to ADA (Americans With Disabilities Act) standards.

A lot of people build their dream house later in life. A house built with stock cabinets 6 inches lower, sit-down counters, 36-inch doors and other design features that could later be wheelchair-accessible will allow enjoyment of their dream home for 15 or 20 years longer than otherwise, should the person later become disabled.

Further, such a house would bring a premium price on the resale market. In fact, I'm sure Paula's mother would someday in the future, as age takes its toll, be extremely happy to visit such a house. -- ARCHITECT IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR ARCHITECT: Thank you for sharing your expertise.

DEAR ABBY: Paula is building her dream home at 43. This could be her FRP (final resting place). It should be designed to suit her needs. Forget about the resale value. In 20 or more years, when someone buys it, it will be time to install a new kitchen, and the new owners can have standard-height cabinets and countertops put in during the remodeling.

As an architectural designer, I cannot tell you how many people are preoccupied with the resale value of their homes, when, in fact, they're never going to move! Of course, if there were something totally off the wall or out of the norm, that should be taken into consideration. But the most important message here is, design and build for your own needs, not those of some fictional future buyer. -- HEATHER IN WORCESTER, MASS.

DEAR HEATHER: I concede your point.

DEAR ABBY: Paula's mother needs a large slice of MYOB, pronto! That woman is a meddler who should stop trying to run her adult daughter's life. If Paula is paying for the house, by golly, she should have it exactly the way she wants it. That mother sounds just plain jealous to me. -- HEATED IN HOUSTON

DEAR HEATED: It's interesting how we read things through the filter of our own experience. I thought the mother was being motherly.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

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