DEAR ABBY: I'll make a long story short. I was married to an abusive man I'll call Tony. We had a child together, which I suppose is why I stayed with him for four years. Anyway, we separated, and now I'm in love with his brother, "Joe."

I thought I was so in love with Joe that I let my heart take control. The problem is, he's abusive to me, too. He tried to choke me to death. I want to leave him, but I'm scared because he told me that my husband and his family are trying to take my daughter away from me -- and he says if I leave him he'll make sure they get her.

I'm scared to go to the police because I'm sure I'm going to lose my daughter, and I love her dearly. I can't stand the thought of losing her. I have spoken to Tony about this. He says he would never take my daughter away from me. But I have heard so many things I don't know what to do. I no longer want to be with Joe. I just want to be alone with no headaches. Please help me. -- AFRAID AND CONFUSED IN NEW YORK

DEAR AFRAID: One way abusers control their victims is through fear, and that's what Joe is trying to do with you when he threatens you with losing your child. Because this man can be violent, it's even more important that you get your daughter away from him. Many abusers have no compunction about acting out on a child if they feel provoked.

Pick up the phone and call 1-800-799-7233. It's the toll-free number of the National Domestic Violence Hotline. They will help you to formulate a safe escape plan for you and your child. I wish you the best of luck.

DAR ABBY: Something happened on a flight to the southwest part of the United States recently, and I'm still seething about it. The flight attendant was taking drink orders. When she took the orders for my nieces, she instructed them to say "please" when giving their order. My sister and I looked at each other in stunned silence. There were other children seated around us, and we listened to see if she would ask them to also say please. They didn't, nor did she ask them to.

Please note that my sister and I are African-American. My nieces are of mixed-race parentage; the children sitting around us were Caucasian.

When the drink orders arrived and were being distributed, the flight attendant told my nieces to say "thank you." Abby, my nieces are very polite girls. They were always taught to say please and thank you. Having someone demand that they say it before they had an opportunity to do so on their own was humiliating not only to them but also to my sister and me.

What should we have done? Should we have taken the attendant aside and asked for an apology, ignored it, or spoken to the airline about it? The whole incident has left a bad taste in our mouths. -- EMBARRASSED IN ELGIN, ILL.

DEAR EMBARRASSED: The flight attendant's behavior was patronizing, presumptuous and discriminatory. If you had called her on it during the flight, the situation might have escalated into an incident that was even more embarrassing.

Do not ignore it. Write a letter to the president of the airline and describe what happened, including the date it occurred, the flight number, and a description of the person who insulted you. She needs further training, and you deserve an apology. If I were that person's employer, I would certainly want to know.

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DEAR ABBY: My cousin, "Carol," lives with my Grandma "Lil." Carol is 30 and unemployed. She's a sponge who has lived with all of the members of our family in the area -- even me when I was 20 and had my own apartment.

Grandma Lil has noticed that periodically some of her pain medication has been missing. An expensive watch also went missing. When my grandmother asked Carol if she had seen it, the watch mysteriously reappeared in her jewelry box.

Last week, Grandma Lil was too sick to attend church and asked Carol to please pick up some medicine for her. Carol replied, "Not today," and walked out the door. After several other arguments, Grandma Lil suggested that Carol start looking for somewhere else to live. Carol said, "What do you care? You have enough money to pay for two people."

I'm so angry I can't see straight. Carol needs to be removed from the house, but I'm not sure how to do it. We don't have any proof that anything has happened, but my grandmother wouldn't lie. Is there any organization I can call to get help? Would this be considered elder abuse? -- WORRIED IN NEBRASKA

DEAR WORRIED: It could, indeed, be considered elder abuse. Because your grandmother seems to be unable to get cousin Carol to leave, your local department of aging should be contacted so your grandmother can get the help she needs in getting her emotionally abusive -- and possibly thieving -- granddaughter out of her home. The department on aging offices are listed in your telephone directory under the heading for government offices. Please don't put it off.

DEAR ABBY: I have a touchy family situation. My husband, who is turning 40 this year, doesn't know his biological father. He has been having some health issues, and we feel it would be good to know his paternal medical history.

Abby, his mother refuses to give him the name. When he approached her, she told him she didn't remember it. Bullpucky! How can you get pregnant by someone and not remember his name -- unless it was incest, and then I could understand the skeleton in the closet.

My mother-in-law had to sell her house and move in with us about a year ago. This is delicate because I don't know how to approach her about this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. -- ANONYMOUS IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ANONYMOUS: You and your husband could approach his mother together and stress the importance of his knowing his father's medical history. However, if she still insists she does not know his father's name, you will have to accept it. She could be telling the truth. When your husband was conceived, his mother might have been drunk, drugged, raped -- or had a one-night stand.

DEAR ABBY: From time to time in years past, you have offered your readers tips for a happy marriage. Have you any to share today? -- ENGAGED IN OHIO

DEAR ENGAGED: As a matter of fact, I do. At the wedding of his youngest daughter, my friend John P. McMeel offered the following "three phrases that guarantee a happy marriage":

-- "I was wrong."

-- "You were right."

-- "I love you."

DEAR ABBY: We have a neighbor, an unmarried man in his late 50s, who has always made me a bit uncomfortable. He doesn't work and is always home.

We have a 13-year-old daughter, "Kimberly," who occasionally stays alone for several hours at a time while I run errands. I have always told Kimberly that if she's by herself, she should not open the door to anyone outside of immediate family. In addition, after seeing an episode of "Oprah," I instructed her that if she did mess up and open the door for some reason, she should slam it shut if she saw it was a man alone. She didn't have to be polite.

Well, our neighbor came over recently in a rage, complaining that our dog had gotten loose. We apologized profusely and told him we'd remedy the situation. We didn't want him to be unhappy with us. However, he just got angrier and angrier. He stopped talking about the dog and began ranting about Kimberly, saying she didn't know how to act and had slammed the door in his face last year. I explained that she was only 12 at the time and may have been frightened, but he continued to rant. (The dog was forgotten.)

Was I wrong to tell Kimberly she didn't need to be polite to our older male neighbor standing alone at our door? Am I just raising a rude child? Was it normal for him to come over a year later and yell at us about our daughter to the point of threatening to hit my husband?

Experts tell kids to "get away," "don't go near the car," "don't help the adult neighbor find his puppy," etc. But what do you do when following that advice convinces neighbors that your child is rude? -- PROTECTIVE PARENTS IN KNOXVILLE

DEAR PROTECTIVE PARENTS: You pay attention to the source of the complaint and listen to your intuition. You stated that the man has always made you feel uncomfortable.

That your neighbor would nurse a grudge for a year and then "lose it" to the point of threatening your husband with violence is another clue that whatever problems you may have pale in comparison to his. His behavior was irrational.

You have an obedient daughter who follows your instructions to the letter. Count your blessings, and tell her to keep her distance from that neighbor.

DEAR ABBY: I am 13 and in seventh grade. My best friend died three years ago, and I don't know what to do. He committed suicide when he was in fifth grade, and I was in fourth. I still talk with his mom every now and then, but his grandmother blames me. She says because I was closest to him, I could have prevented it.

Every year I go to his house after school and talk with his mom. However, his grandmother moved in, so this year I will be visiting with her as well. Having her tell me it's my fault hurts me, and I know it hurts her daughter (my friend's mom). What do you think about this? -- HURTING IN HENDERSON, NEV.

DEAR HURTING: It is wonderful that you have remained in contact with your friend's mother. It shows great sensitivity, maturity and generosity. It is clear that your friend's grandmother is still grieving. When a family member of any age commits suicide, the survivors are often left with an overwhelming sense of guilt. In order to lessen the burden of guilt she is carrying, it appears she is trying to assign it to you. Treat her with respect, but tune her out. You were only a child when this tragedy occurred, and in no way are you responsible for what happened.