DEAR ABBY: My cousin, "Carol," lives with my Grandma "Lil." Carol is 30 and unemployed. She's a sponge who has lived with all of the members of our family in the area -- even me when I was 20 and had my own apartment.

Grandma Lil has noticed that periodically some of her pain medication has been missing. An expensive watch also went missing. When my grandmother asked Carol if she had seen it, the watch mysteriously reappeared in her jewelry box.

Last week, Grandma Lil was too sick to attend church and asked Carol to please pick up some medicine for her. Carol replied, "Not today," and walked out the door. After several other arguments, Grandma Lil suggested that Carol start looking for somewhere else to live. Carol said, "What do you care? You have enough money to pay for two people."

I'm so angry I can't see straight. Carol needs to be removed from the house, but I'm not sure how to do it. We don't have any proof that anything has happened, but my grandmother wouldn't lie. Is there any organization I can call to get help? Would this be considered elder abuse? -- WORRIED IN NEBRASKA

DEAR WORRIED: It could, indeed, be considered elder abuse. Because your grandmother seems to be unable to get cousin Carol to leave, your local department of aging should be contacted so your grandmother can get the help she needs in getting her emotionally abusive -- and possibly thieving -- granddaughter out of her home. The department on aging offices are listed in your telephone directory under the heading for government offices. Please don't put it off.

DEAR ABBY: I have a touchy family situation. My husband, who is turning 40 this year, doesn't know his biological father. He has been having some health issues, and we feel it would be good to know his paternal medical history.

Abby, his mother refuses to give him the name. When he approached her, she told him she didn't remember it. Bullpucky! How can you get pregnant by someone and not remember his name -- unless it was incest, and then I could understand the skeleton in the closet.

My mother-in-law had to sell her house and move in with us about a year ago. This is delicate because I don't know how to approach her about this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. -- ANONYMOUS IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ANONYMOUS: You and your husband could approach his mother together and stress the importance of his knowing his father's medical history. However, if she still insists she does not know his father's name, you will have to accept it. She could be telling the truth. When your husband was conceived, his mother might have been drunk, drugged, raped -- or had a one-night stand.

DEAR ABBY: From time to time in years past, you have offered your readers tips for a happy marriage. Have you any to share today? -- ENGAGED IN OHIO

DEAR ENGAGED: As a matter of fact, I do. At the wedding of his youngest daughter, my friend John P. McMeel offered the following "three phrases that guarantee a happy marriage":

-- "I was wrong."

-- "You were right."

-- "I love you."

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: We have a neighbor, an unmarried man in his late 50s, who has always made me a bit uncomfortable. He doesn't work and is always home.

We have a 13-year-old daughter, "Kimberly," who occasionally stays alone for several hours at a time while I run errands. I have always told Kimberly that if she's by herself, she should not open the door to anyone outside of immediate family. In addition, after seeing an episode of "Oprah," I instructed her that if she did mess up and open the door for some reason, she should slam it shut if she saw it was a man alone. She didn't have to be polite.

Well, our neighbor came over recently in a rage, complaining that our dog had gotten loose. We apologized profusely and told him we'd remedy the situation. We didn't want him to be unhappy with us. However, he just got angrier and angrier. He stopped talking about the dog and began ranting about Kimberly, saying she didn't know how to act and had slammed the door in his face last year. I explained that she was only 12 at the time and may have been frightened, but he continued to rant. (The dog was forgotten.)

Was I wrong to tell Kimberly she didn't need to be polite to our older male neighbor standing alone at our door? Am I just raising a rude child? Was it normal for him to come over a year later and yell at us about our daughter to the point of threatening to hit my husband?

Experts tell kids to "get away," "don't go near the car," "don't help the adult neighbor find his puppy," etc. But what do you do when following that advice convinces neighbors that your child is rude? -- PROTECTIVE PARENTS IN KNOXVILLE

DEAR PROTECTIVE PARENTS: You pay attention to the source of the complaint and listen to your intuition. You stated that the man has always made you feel uncomfortable.

That your neighbor would nurse a grudge for a year and then "lose it" to the point of threatening your husband with violence is another clue that whatever problems you may have pale in comparison to his. His behavior was irrational.

You have an obedient daughter who follows your instructions to the letter. Count your blessings, and tell her to keep her distance from that neighbor.

DEAR ABBY: I am 13 and in seventh grade. My best friend died three years ago, and I don't know what to do. He committed suicide when he was in fifth grade, and I was in fourth. I still talk with his mom every now and then, but his grandmother blames me. She says because I was closest to him, I could have prevented it.

Every year I go to his house after school and talk with his mom. However, his grandmother moved in, so this year I will be visiting with her as well. Having her tell me it's my fault hurts me, and I know it hurts her daughter (my friend's mom). What do you think about this? -- HURTING IN HENDERSON, NEV.

DEAR HURTING: It is wonderful that you have remained in contact with your friend's mother. It shows great sensitivity, maturity and generosity. It is clear that your friend's grandmother is still grieving. When a family member of any age commits suicide, the survivors are often left with an overwhelming sense of guilt. In order to lessen the burden of guilt she is carrying, it appears she is trying to assign it to you. Treat her with respect, but tune her out. You were only a child when this tragedy occurred, and in no way are you responsible for what happened.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I just finished the letter from "Saturated in Atlanta," whose in-laws allow their dog, "Liebchen" (who, believe me, is NOT "darling," according to his description), to mark his territory in her house, causing damage in several places. Not only is this disgraceful, as you pointed out, but it's also illegal. The courts call it "failure to control your dog." "Saturated" may want to consider legal action. -- NEW HAMPSHIRE READER

DEAR READER: Hold your horses. Their familial relationship is supposed to last, one would hope, long after Liebchen has trotted off to doggie heaven. I would advise legal action only if there were no other alternative. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I don't get it. Did the in-laws allow their son to "wet" wherever he wanted when he was growing up? I doubt it. Then why should their dog be any different? I suggest that "Saturated" make reservations at a dog-friendly hotel for her husband's parents and let him pay for it. It may be the wake-up call they all need. -- MOTHER-IN-LAW IN HOUSTON

DEAR MOTHER-IN-LAW: That might be a workable solution. However, some other readers offered ideas that are more pet-friendly.

DEAR ABBY: As a dog trainer and former veterinary assistant, my first question to "Saturated" would have been, Is Liebchen neutered? If not, it would explain a lot. While male dogs do mark their territory sometimes after being neutered, it's far more common for them to do so when they're intact. Although "Saturated" and her mother-in-law may not know it, neutering can help. Their veterinarian can instruct the in-laws about other medical advantages to neutering, such as a reduced risk of prostate cancer and eliminating the risk of testicular cancer. -- SPAY 'EM AND TRAIN 'EM IN LA.

DEAR LOUISIANA: Good point. Thank you for the reminder about pet neutering. Not only does it curb behavior problems, as you pointed out, but it also has health benefits.

DEAR ABBY: A solution that might cause less of an uproar with the in-laws would be to offer "Doggy Depends." Male dogs that insist on marking their territory can wear a belly band with appropriate material tucked inside. They are easy to make, and also available for purchase in most doggy boutiques. (Some folks just take an old athletic sock, wrap it around the dog's middle and pin it at the top.) The belly band, although not a perfect solution for the behavior, can at least minimize damage to property -- in addition to lessening the chances of a family feud over the dog. -- DESS IN DUNCANVILLE, TEXAS

DEAR DESS: "Doggie Depends"? I love it!

DEAR ABBY: I have the perfect solution to protect that woman's furniture. The next time her mother-in-law comes over, she should be prepared with baby Pampers and duct tape. The size of the Pampers depends on the size of the dog. Wrap the Pampers around the dog just in front of his hind legs, and fasten over the back with duct tape. If the mother-in-law doesn't like it, she should be told her daughter-in-law can't afford to have her furniture professionally cleaned every time Liebchen comes to her home. Try it. It worked for me. Good luck! -- CHRISTINA IN GREAT FALLS, MONT.

DEAR CHRISTINA: Thank you for the suggestion. It's worth a try, and if it works, it'll keep Liebchen and his owners out of the doghouse.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)