DEAR ABBY: I am a freshman in college, and I have been having an awful year. My family situation is extremely unstable, and I'm always afraid I'm going to be left alone.

I have a great boyfriend, but I don't want to rely on him for money or a place to stay, even though I know he would support me if I needed it.

I have to maintain a very high GPA to keep my scholarship and continue school. I work as much as I can; however, I can't support myself. I have always been an excellent student (I graduated in the top five of my class), but I feel like nothing in my life is in my control. I work hard and study all day and have no time to myself. I'm afraid I'm always going to be a burden to everyone close to me. Please help. -- STRESSED TO THE MAX IN NEW YORK

DEAR STRESSED: By studying hard and making your grades your highest priority, you ARE doing everything you should be doing right now. Regardless of what happens with your parents' marriage, I'm sure they both want what's best for you.

Before your grades become affected by your worrying, pay a visit to the student health center and ask to speak with a psychologist. Some sessions there will help you realize that your current situation is only temporary, and it won't be long before you achieve the independence you crave.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 31-year-old woman who broke off a 2 1/2-year relationship with a man I love, but who wouldn't commit to marriage. (I'll call him Paul.) We never lived together.

Paul and I started talking again about two months ago, and he seemed to know more about me and what I was doing than I expected. After a few weeks of chatting, I finally figured out that Paul had been listening to my private answering machine messages. He must have obtained the code when I checked my messages from his home while we were dating.

All my friends are saying I'm crazy to continue talking to him and seeing him, knowing he violated my privacy. I don't know what to do. I still have feelings for him. What's your take on this? -- CONFUSED IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR CONFUSED: Frankly, what Paul did was not only a violation of your privacy, it is also a little creepy. If you haven't already done so, change the pass code on your answering machine.

This man appears not only to be commitment-phobic, but also to have trust issues and a serious lack of respect for boundaries. Do not plan a future with him without extensive premarital counseling. What he did raises a red flag.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have recently separated. It has been five days. I'm OK with the fact of us being apart. We were definitely not meant to be together.

What's tearing me up is the fact that he's dating already. Should I start? What can I do to clear my head? -- CONFUSED IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR CONFUSED: A divorce isn't like a hangover. "Hair of the dog" won't make the ache go away. Because your about-to-be-ex is dating doesn't mean that you should be. In fact, I recommend against it for the time being. Socialize with female friends, join a gym, volunteer if you have some extra time on your hands, and consult a lawyer. But do not start dating again until you are separated emotionally from the man you married -- and that may take months, not days.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a reference librarian at a large academic library. While I share some of "Marian the Librarian's" concerns, I couldn't help but notice that her pointers for library etiquette were comprised almost entirely of "don'ts." I am afraid her diatribe against library patrons may cause some of them not to use the library at all, for fear of committing a faux pas and incurring a librarian's wrath.

How much better it would have been had she compiled a list of library "do's" instead of library "don'ts." Example:

-- Do teach your children to use and appreciate the library.

-- Do check your library's policy on food, drink and cell phones. (Many allow drinks in covered containers, and cell phones set to silent mode or in specific areas.)

-- Do enlist the help of the reference librarian. You might be surprised what we can find for you in a short amount of time.

-- Do use your trip to the library as a learning experience. We have a saying, "Find the book for a man, and he'll have the information for only a day. Teach him to search the catalog, and he'll have information for a lifetime."

Although, like "Marian," I'm tired of the poor etiquette I see in my library, I'm equally tired of the pervasive public image of librarians as cranky, uptight and "shushing." As a librarian, my job is to help and educate patrons. "Marian's" letter made it seem as if librarians are the behavior police. -- ANTI-SHUSHER IN MIAMI

DEAR ANTI-SHUSHER: Your point about casting the message in positive, rather than negative, language is well taken. And I agree that librarians have been wrongly stereotyped. However, if librarians are forced into the position of acting like "library police," it is because their patrons are acting in a way that is destructive or disruptive. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I wish I could nail a copy of that letter to every flat surface of our library in the hope that our patrons might read it and get a clue. It has come to my attention that some librarians are unhappy that "Marian" chose to air her grievances in a forum as public as your column -- and some have even called for a letter-writing campaign to criticize Marian for telling the truth. I say, more power to her! -- NEW JERSEY LIBRARIAN

DEAR NEW JERSEY: Thanks for the warning. The following is a letter that expresses, I suspect, their real concern.

DEAR ABBY: I haven't seen such a vitriolic diatribe since librarians were told to stop pointing and get up off their "duffs" and go find the book for the customer! While libraries are free, taxpayers are the ones who support us, and if we have professionals in the field such as "Marian," we have only ourselves to admonish when our tax dollars are reduced and our libraries are closed. -- SOUTH BEND, IND., LIBRARIAN

DEAR SOUTH BEND: If libraries are closing because of lack of support or patronage, it may be because people do more and more research online at home than because librarians are overzealous in enforcing rules of common courtesy. To quote a librarian from Beverly Hills, Calif.:

"There is now a dwindling number of librarians due to retirement, downsizing, burnout and very low pay compared to other professions. That, coupled with a society that is becoming increasingly uncivil and underappreciative of a truly altruistic profession, makes me fear that the library profession is going the way of the dinosaur."

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DEAR ABBY: While most of my friends are eagerly anticipating graduation, I am dreading it. The reason? My mother.

Ever since I was in second grade, my mother has been addicted to prescription drugs. Mom and Dad divorced when I was in middle school, and I have lived with my dad ever since.

This year, Mom began to press for a ticket to my graduation. I don't want her there. She won't admit to having a problem, despite the fact she has been in rehab 10 times. I can't remember a time prior to her extended hospital stays and visits by home nurses.

Before I have any event, she becomes manipulative and checks herself into the hospital. This hasn't happened just once or twice. I'm talking about every event since I was in fourth grade -- including my birthday, my older brother's graduation, everything. Last year, she forgot my birthday. I didn't even get a phone call. I don't think she has earned a ticket for graduation.

Many people in my life have been there for me when my mother wasn't. Now Mother is claiming that because she is my mother, she should supersede all the others. She is still heavily medicated and prone to making scenes, including threatening suicide, if she doesn't get what she wants -- that ticket. There are only a limited number available. I would like to give them to people who have shown they care about me. What are your thoughts on this? This is tearing what's left of my family apart. -- SHATTERED SENIOR IN MARYLAND

DEAR SENIOR: You have my sympathy. I know you feel cheated because you didn't have the kind of mother you wished for. However, from your description, your mother appears to suffer from a severe mental illness. A person who is heavily medicated and repeatedly hospitalized is not entirely responsible for her actions. Giving birth to you and your brother may have been her only positive accomplishments in this life. For that reason, I think she should attend your graduation.

The people who have supported you over the years will be happy to celebrate with you after the ceremony, I'm sure. And I'm also sure they'll understand why your mother should see you get your diploma if she is able.

DEAR ABBY: I have been a client of a wonderful hairstylist I'll call "Valerie" for about four years. There's only one problem. She wears large rings on her fingers, and when she uses her fingers to "comb" through my hair as she dries it, the rings catch on my hair. I end up with several hairs either being torn out by the roots or broken at the point where her rings catch. It's downright painful.

I love how Valerie styles my hair and don't want to leave her, but I'm not sure how to tactfully call this to her attention. I'm hoping that she -- and other stylists who do this -- will see themselves in this letter and remove their rings when it's time to dry their customers' hair. -- GOING BALD IN CAPE CORAL, FLA.

DEAR GOING BALD: Nice try, but don't count on it. What if your hairstylist misses my column today? One would think that a client's natural reaction to having her hair jerked out by the roots -- an emphatic "OUCH!" -- would be enough. However, because the discomfort she's causing seems to have escaped her notice, use the direct approach and tell her your preference in plain English.

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