DEAR ABBY: My wife of eight years, "Pearl," died four months ago. She had complications with her diabetes and was retaining fluid. She died of a heart attack.

Pearl made me promise that if I survived her and found someone special I would go on with my life. Well, I have found that special person. I have been dating a wonderful woman, "Iris." We're now engaged to be married. We're both ready and willing to do this.

My problem is, I'm being judged by my friends, and it has nothing to do with Iris. They don't know her, and I'm afraid they'll never accept her or the fact that I'm in love again. My pastors are also angry with me. I tried telling them how I feel; they don't listen.

I am a Christian man and Iris is a Christian woman. A year is too long to wait. If I'm wrong or selfish, I'll accept it, but I want to be happy. If you see a problem with this, let me know. -- IN LOVE AGAIN

DEAR IN LOVE: You may be misjudging your friends and your pastors. Rather than being angry and judgmental, they may be worried that you're making a mistake. Many legal and mental health experts advise widows and widowers to wait a full year before making any important decisions. Because you aren't sobbing at Pearl's grave doesn't mean that you haven't suffered a loss, and the shock that goes with it.

Enjoy your engagement to Iris. If what you have together is as good as you think, it will only get better during the months to come. Let your friends and clergy get to know her. They're not the enemy; they are concerned about your welfare. My advice to you is to slow down.

DEAR ABBY: About 10 years ago, my neighbor, "John," asked if his contractor could come onto my side of the property to install a fence. I agreed, as long as I would not be held accountable should someone be hurt on my property and he would repair any damage that was caused.

When they put in the fence, the construction material was delivered to my driveway, damaging it. The wood from the old fence was piled on my lawn and some of it was never removed. They also poured gravel all over the place. None of the damage was ever repaired.

Now the fence needs to be replaced again, and John is asking me to help him out. I told him he can have permission when I'm paid for the damage that happened the last time -- plus interest. He must also put up a bond that will ensure any damage done this time will be fixed at once.

John is now going around telling everyone that I am not a good neighbor because I want to "charge him" for the right to go on my side of the fence. Any suggestions? -- FENCED-IN IN NEW CITY, N.Y.

DEAR FENCED-IN: Stick to your guns and refuse to be blackmailed. If anyone mentions the rumors to you, explain the reason you're acting the way you are. It may be a little extreme to demand interest on the money your neighbor owes for the first fence repair, but the rest of your conditions seem fair to me.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single man, in my mid-40s, an Air Force Academy graduate and former officer, who has never been married. I fell in love with a divorced mother of two who told me while we were dating that for the last 10 years she'd been having an affair with a married man I'll call "Rex." She left her husband because Rex promised he'd leave his wife and marry her, but he reneged -- so they met twice a week for sex. Rex worked nearby and would stop over during his lunch break. She told me all this while I was seeing her.

She finally broke it off about six months ago, saying she knew Rex was "no good for her." Subsequently, I gave her a job in my business, and she has turned out to be an excellent employee. Well, she recently confided to me that Rex came over during Easter and they'd had sex. She said that she didn't "fight it off" when he made his advances.

Abby, this woman is extremely bright. She's a wonderful mother to her daughters, a great worker, yet she lives like someone who's still in college and accountable to no one. She says she's not proud of what she does and calls herself "hopeless" after an afternoon of sex with him, but she continues to do it. We no longer date, but I still have strong feelings for her. Does this make me nuts too? How can I help her? How can I break the spell he has cast over her? -- MIND-BOGGLED IN CINCINNATI

DEAR MIND-BOGGLED: Help her? Has it occurred to you that this woman may be happy just the way things are? She knows there's no future with this man, but she allows this on-again, off-again affair to continue. Not only that, she has a good job with you, a former beau who makes excuses for her and cuts her lots of slack.

Rather than trying to get her head out of the clouds, how about working on your own? You can't "save" someone who doesn't want to be saved. My advice is to appreciate her for what she is -- an excellent employee -- but stop allowing her to dump on you about her personal life, and start looking for a woman who will recognize you for the great catch you are and reciprocate your feelings.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Allie," was in a terrible car accident five weeks ago. She's still in a rehabilitation center and will be for several more months.

The driver of the other car has just died from the injuries she incurred in the accident. Allie was at fault. She had been drinking. She feels terrible, as one would expect, that she is recovering and the other woman is being buried. Allie would like to send the family a sympathy card. Is this the appropriate thing for her to do? -- CONFUSED MOM

DEAR CONFUSED: In circumstances like this, a card would not be appropriate. At the very least, your daughter should write the family of her victim a letter of abject apology. And once she has been released from rehab, she should seek help for her alcohol problem and counseling, if necessary, to help her deal with the guilt.

DEAR ABBY: How does one address a letter of complaint to a company? I don't feel inclined to begin with "Dear" anybody. My mom would have used "Gentlemen" or "Dear Sirs," but that seems antiquated. "People" seems silly, and "To Whom It May Concern," pompous. Have you a better suggestion? -- DIANE IN BURNABY, B.C.

DEAR DIANE: "To Whom It May Concern" isn't pompous; it's proper. However, if it doesn't feel right to you, call and ask the name of the president or owner of the company, and address your complaint to that individual.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Your readers have a history of responding enthusiastically to the good advice you share with them. Because of that, I'm writing on behalf of the Food and Drug Administration's Office of Women's Health and the Federal Citizen Information Center to offer our new, free Women's Health Information Kit. It contains some of Uncle Sam's best advice on more than a dozen health topics that concern today's women.

All of these materials are part of the Take Time to Care information series. Between caring for their families and staying busy at work, women are always on the go. That is why it's more important than ever for women to "take time to care" about their own health. Whether they're managing their medications, looking for ways to minimize their risk of heart attack or learning about menopause -- they'll find some great advice in our Women's Health Information Kit.

Thanks, Abby, for always providing timely, practical and good advice to your readers. And please ask them to place their orders now, because supplies are limited. -- MARSHA HENDERSON, ACTING ASSISTANT COMMISSIONER FOR WOMEN'S HEALTH, F.D.A.

DEAR MARSHA: I'm delighted to spread the word. Readers, as many of you know, the information in these special kits for women has been compiled by the government at taxpayer expense. That's why they're offered at no cost to you -- not even postage. I have reviewed the kit, and it contains a gold mine of handy-dandy information on topics that include heart disease (the leading killer of women in the United States), mammography, Pap smears, menopause, depression, strokes -- and more.

There are three ways to order this TTTC Women's Health Information Kit. Order online at � HYPERLINK "http://www.pueblo.gsa.gov" ��www.pueblo.gsa.gov�. Send your name and address to Women's Health Information kit, Pueblo, CO 81009. Or call toll-free 1-888-878-3256 weekdays 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. (EST) and ask for the Women's Health Information Kit. If you're interested, don't wait. Do it today.

DEAR ABBY: I have recently recovered from a life-threatening illness, and it has made me want to re-prioritize my life. I have decided I no longer want to spend holidays with some of my relatives. The person I specifically would like to eliminate from my life is vain, shallow and a tightwad -- even though her husband is well-off.

She insists on hosting holiday and family parties at her house, then tells everyone not only to bring the food but also to bring extra portions -- which she uses to feed her own family the following week.

The gifts she gives are either recycled, or stained and torn items of clothing she purchased from thrift stores. When I give her gifts, she tells me to return them and give her the money. If she admires something of mine, she'll beg until I give it to her, then return it to the store for the money or sell it in one of the garage sales she holds twice a month.

When her kids were little, her philosophy was that everyone else should drive them, baby-sit them, take them places and foot the bill. Reciprocation is not a word in her vocabulary.

I feel life is too short to waste on people like this. Is this how people get rich? -- FED UP IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR FED UP: On the contrary. This is how people impoverish themselves in every way that's important.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)