DEAR ABBY: I'm a single man, in my mid-40s, an Air Force Academy graduate and former officer, who has never been married. I fell in love with a divorced mother of two who told me while we were dating that for the last 10 years she'd been having an affair with a married man I'll call "Rex." She left her husband because Rex promised he'd leave his wife and marry her, but he reneged -- so they met twice a week for sex. Rex worked nearby and would stop over during his lunch break. She told me all this while I was seeing her.

She finally broke it off about six months ago, saying she knew Rex was "no good for her." Subsequently, I gave her a job in my business, and she has turned out to be an excellent employee. Well, she recently confided to me that Rex came over during Easter and they'd had sex. She said that she didn't "fight it off" when he made his advances.

Abby, this woman is extremely bright. She's a wonderful mother to her daughters, a great worker, yet she lives like someone who's still in college and accountable to no one. She says she's not proud of what she does and calls herself "hopeless" after an afternoon of sex with him, but she continues to do it. We no longer date, but I still have strong feelings for her. Does this make me nuts too? How can I help her? How can I break the spell he has cast over her? -- MIND-BOGGLED IN CINCINNATI

DEAR MIND-BOGGLED: Help her? Has it occurred to you that this woman may be happy just the way things are? She knows there's no future with this man, but she allows this on-again, off-again affair to continue. Not only that, she has a good job with you, a former beau who makes excuses for her and cuts her lots of slack.

Rather than trying to get her head out of the clouds, how about working on your own? You can't "save" someone who doesn't want to be saved. My advice is to appreciate her for what she is -- an excellent employee -- but stop allowing her to dump on you about her personal life, and start looking for a woman who will recognize you for the great catch you are and reciprocate your feelings.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Allie," was in a terrible car accident five weeks ago. She's still in a rehabilitation center and will be for several more months.

The driver of the other car has just died from the injuries she incurred in the accident. Allie was at fault. She had been drinking. She feels terrible, as one would expect, that she is recovering and the other woman is being buried. Allie would like to send the family a sympathy card. Is this the appropriate thing for her to do? -- CONFUSED MOM

DEAR CONFUSED: In circumstances like this, a card would not be appropriate. At the very least, your daughter should write the family of her victim a letter of abject apology. And once she has been released from rehab, she should seek help for her alcohol problem and counseling, if necessary, to help her deal with the guilt.

DEAR ABBY: How does one address a letter of complaint to a company? I don't feel inclined to begin with "Dear" anybody. My mom would have used "Gentlemen" or "Dear Sirs," but that seems antiquated. "People" seems silly, and "To Whom It May Concern," pompous. Have you a better suggestion? -- DIANE IN BURNABY, B.C.

DEAR DIANE: "To Whom It May Concern" isn't pompous; it's proper. However, if it doesn't feel right to you, call and ask the name of the president or owner of the company, and address your complaint to that individual.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Your readers have a history of responding enthusiastically to the good advice you share with them. Because of that, I'm writing on behalf of the Food and Drug Administration's Office of Women's Health and the Federal Citizen Information Center to offer our new, free Women's Health Information Kit. It contains some of Uncle Sam's best advice on more than a dozen health topics that concern today's women.

All of these materials are part of the Take Time to Care information series. Between caring for their families and staying busy at work, women are always on the go. That is why it's more important than ever for women to "take time to care" about their own health. Whether they're managing their medications, looking for ways to minimize their risk of heart attack or learning about menopause -- they'll find some great advice in our Women's Health Information Kit.

Thanks, Abby, for always providing timely, practical and good advice to your readers. And please ask them to place their orders now, because supplies are limited. -- MARSHA HENDERSON, ACTING ASSISTANT COMMISSIONER FOR WOMEN'S HEALTH, F.D.A.

DEAR MARSHA: I'm delighted to spread the word. Readers, as many of you know, the information in these special kits for women has been compiled by the government at taxpayer expense. That's why they're offered at no cost to you -- not even postage. I have reviewed the kit, and it contains a gold mine of handy-dandy information on topics that include heart disease (the leading killer of women in the United States), mammography, Pap smears, menopause, depression, strokes -- and more.

There are three ways to order this TTTC Women's Health Information Kit. Order online at � HYPERLINK "http://www.pueblo.gsa.gov" ��www.pueblo.gsa.gov�. Send your name and address to Women's Health Information kit, Pueblo, CO 81009. Or call toll-free 1-888-878-3256 weekdays 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. (EST) and ask for the Women's Health Information Kit. If you're interested, don't wait. Do it today.

DEAR ABBY: I have recently recovered from a life-threatening illness, and it has made me want to re-prioritize my life. I have decided I no longer want to spend holidays with some of my relatives. The person I specifically would like to eliminate from my life is vain, shallow and a tightwad -- even though her husband is well-off.

She insists on hosting holiday and family parties at her house, then tells everyone not only to bring the food but also to bring extra portions -- which she uses to feed her own family the following week.

The gifts she gives are either recycled, or stained and torn items of clothing she purchased from thrift stores. When I give her gifts, she tells me to return them and give her the money. If she admires something of mine, she'll beg until I give it to her, then return it to the store for the money or sell it in one of the garage sales she holds twice a month.

When her kids were little, her philosophy was that everyone else should drive them, baby-sit them, take them places and foot the bill. Reciprocation is not a word in her vocabulary.

I feel life is too short to waste on people like this. Is this how people get rich? -- FED UP IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR FED UP: On the contrary. This is how people impoverish themselves in every way that's important.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend of several years, "Tami," became my fiancee last fall. We plan to be married this summer. I am white; Tami is black. For the majority of our relatives, this is not a problem. A few close relatives, however, have made their disapproval of interracial marriage quite clear. I chalk it up to their generation and the world they grew up in. The civil rights movement never happened for them.

Tami and I have decided not to invite those who disapprove. I don't even want them to have the option. Sourpusses do not make good wedding guests, so why waste the invitation? With help from Tami's father, we're paying for the wedding, and we are in agreement. My mother, however, is worried about insulting people. I think it would be a good lesson for them to experience that there are consequences for racist attitudes.

I told Mom I'd run this one by you. Your thoughts, please? -- WEDDING PLANNER IN N.Y.

DEAR WEDDING PLANNER: I'm not sure whose relatives you're planning to exclude, yours or Tami's, since racism is a sad fact of life across the board in our society. However, I see no reason to issue an invitation to anyone you feel would cast a pall over the wedding. Someone who has already voiced disapproval would make a poor guest. May your marriage be a long and happy one.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl living through a nightmare. When I was 4, I got a disease that caused my hair to fall out. I wear a wig and live in constant fear that it will slip or fall off. It's making me miserable.

Some girls say I am "lucky" because I will never have to shave. I would give anything to shave. My mom doesn't understand what it's like. Although she tries, she just makes things worse. How can I cope with this when no one I know understands, or even cares about its effects on my life? -- "NAKED" IN NEW ORLEANS

DEAR "NAKED": An excellent way to cope with your problem is to talk with other young people who share it. You have a fairly common autoimmune condition called "alopecia areata." It occurs in men and women, but most often young people are the ones affected.

The National Alopecia Areata Foundation offers support groups, detailed information about current research, treatments, medical information, and much more that could educate your mother and benefit you. You both should visit its Web site, � HYPERLINK "http://www.naaf.org" ��www.naaf.org�, or e-mail it at � HYPERLINK "mailto:info@naaf.org" ��info@naaf.org�. I hope you'll do it soon, because the group is holding its 20th annual conference in Tampa, Fla., June 30 through July 3. If you and your mother can attend, they'll have programs and camps for kids from 5 to 17. Good luck!

DEAR ABBY: Ever since my boss learned we live close to each other (about 15 minutes between us), he has asked me for a ride home every day. The ride is about 45 minutes. How do I tell him "no" without getting fired? Help! -- HAD IT IN HACKENSACK

DEAR HAD IT: Make yourself less available for taxi service. Start filling your calendar with errands, appointments and social engagements after work. You can't be fired for having a schedule other than straight to work and straight home.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)