DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend of several years, "Tami," became my fiancee last fall. We plan to be married this summer. I am white; Tami is black. For the majority of our relatives, this is not a problem. A few close relatives, however, have made their disapproval of interracial marriage quite clear. I chalk it up to their generation and the world they grew up in. The civil rights movement never happened for them.

Tami and I have decided not to invite those who disapprove. I don't even want them to have the option. Sourpusses do not make good wedding guests, so why waste the invitation? With help from Tami's father, we're paying for the wedding, and we are in agreement. My mother, however, is worried about insulting people. I think it would be a good lesson for them to experience that there are consequences for racist attitudes.

I told Mom I'd run this one by you. Your thoughts, please? -- WEDDING PLANNER IN N.Y.

DEAR WEDDING PLANNER: I'm not sure whose relatives you're planning to exclude, yours or Tami's, since racism is a sad fact of life across the board in our society. However, I see no reason to issue an invitation to anyone you feel would cast a pall over the wedding. Someone who has already voiced disapproval would make a poor guest. May your marriage be a long and happy one.

DEAR ABBY: Ever since my boss learned we live close to each other (about 15 minutes between us), he has asked me for a ride home every day. The ride is about 45 minutes. How do I tell him "no" without getting fired? Help! -- HAD IT IN HACKENSACK

DEAR HAD IT: Make yourself less available for taxi service. Start filling your calendar with errands, appointments and social engagements after work. You can't be fired for having a schedule other than straight to work and straight home.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR READERS: A 38-year-old man wrote to me saying he has never married –- that when he was in his 20s, women ignored him or told him he was "nice, but boring," or that he didn't have enough money. He said that women want only "bad guys" or men with deep pockets, "but now that they're past their prime and have two kids the bad boy left them with" -– he is now good enough. He concluded by saying, "If I wasn't good enough for them then, why should I be good enough now?"

Frankly, I found his attitude offensive. I advised him that if he was still dating women as shallow as those he'd tried to date in his 20s, he should not involve himself with any of them –- that he would be single forever, and I suspected that's the way he wants it.

Some readers felt I didn't look deeply enough. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Please suggest to that man that it's possible the women he mentioned have now matured and realize what qualities are important in a mate, father and role model. Too often, young women think that a fast, wild, carefree romance is the ticket to happiness. Too often, by the time they wake up and realize the "boring," kind, stable guy was a far better choice, they have children, a broken heart, shattered dreams, and are trying to piece their lives back together.

I don't believe those women are looking for a meal ticket, but rather someone they can love, respect and trust to help raise their children in a safe, loving environment.

It's sad that man is so negative and stuck in the past instead of trying to build a future with someone. You were right, Abby. He probably will end up alone, because there ARE men who will step up to the challenge of being kind, loving stepfathers to the children, and loving husbands to women who made unfortunate choices in the past. I know, because I married one. -- HAPPY MOTHER OF FOUR IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR HAPPY: I agree, he is "stuck." And until he makes up his mind to live in the moment, he will stay that way.

DEAR ABBY: I have encountered the same attitude that writer describes, and the women weren't all shallow or conceited. They simply believed they were due more than a decent, loyal and honest guy. It's no different than the man past his prime claiming a trophy wife because he feels he "deserves" it –- and everyone agrees that's a despicable attitude.

Both come from the same source, I suspect: Media that constantly tell us from every direction, more than ever before, that only the highest level of physical attractiveness is acceptable in a mate. That concept is shallow, but it affects an awful lot of people who aren't. It feeds on our deepest insecurities, the junior-high self who was ostracized for being different, and who never truly goes away.

By placing the blame for the man not dating back on the women, you ignored the true problem for both men and women, and invalidated someone who may have an accurate view of his world. Seeing reality is the first step toward changing it. -- MADISON, WIS. (MALE) READER

DEAR READER: I think you hit the nail on the head. Thank you for your shrewd analysis. You taught me something today.

DEAR ABBY: The fact the writer views women so negatively is sabotaging any good relationship he might have. That writer needs to realize that women are individuals; some make good choices, others poor ones. He needs to figure out why the only women he meets are the ones who make poor choices, and the good women avoid him. He blames women for his woes, but chances are that he's the real problem. -- GOOD GUY WHO GOT THE GIRL, HOUSTON

DEAR GOOD GUY: I agree.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: We, the people, bury our heroes with the promise to remember. The Congress of the United States has created the National Moment of Remembrance to reach Americans with one simple message: Don't forget the true meaning of Memorial Day to honor our fallen. No other holidays would be possible without the sacrifices of those brave men and women who have died for freedom since the founding of our nation. Today let us all unite in remembrance to honor those who have ensured that freedom rings in the home of the brave.

Americans are asked to pause, wherever you are, at 3 p.m. (local time).

Participation may be informal. It can be as simple as ringing a bell to mark the moment. Bells carry significant symbolism -– from "proclaiming liberty throughout the land" to the marking of the passing of a soul. The Moment of Remembrance is a time to remember our fallen and to make a commitment to give something back to our country in their memory. -- CARMELLA LASPADA, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, WHITE HOUSE COMMISSION ON REMEMBRANCE

DEAR CARMELLA: I'm pleased to share your message with my readers, some of whom may not be aware of what the true meaning of this holiday is about. Readers, although most of you will be devoting today to your personal pursuits, Memorial Day really isn't about us. It's for all those families whose loved ones aren't here to enjoy the freedoms they secured for us. At 3 p.m., let's stand as one, and show them the respect they deserve.

And while I'm on the subject of respect, there is now another way of honoring those heroes who are still serving our country. Visit OperationDearAbby.net and show our troops stationed worldwide how much their efforts are appreciated by sending them a message of support. Bless you, one and all!

Here's a reminiscence from a veteran of World War II:

DEAR ABBY: I'd like to bring to light the unheralded act of some residents of the Czech city of Plzen. On May 7, 1945, the day World War II was declared over, we of the 23rd Cavalry Reconnaissance Squadron (Mechanized) arrived in Plzen. A 20-mile buffer zone was established between us and the advancing Russian forces then in Slovakia. After a day of joyous celebration, an envoy was established to meet with the Russian military.

While the envoy was gone, those of us left behind in Plzen got acquainted with the Czech people. Some of them learned that none of us had had showers during the prior 40 days, and we had just completed 14 continuous days and nights of reconnaissance throughout southeast Germany. As a result, we could not risk a timeout for hygiene.

A group of citizens set up a program to open their bathrooms to soldiers on an assembly line rotation. When my turn came at 2 o'clock in the afternoon, I was ushered into a residence to an immaculate bathroom with a spotlessly clean tub filled with 8 inches of warm water. I was not rushed but carefully timed, so they could prepare the tub for the next soldier.

Abby, the only expression I could offer them for their kindness was an unwrapped bar of Palmolive soap. -- DALE C. BISHOFF, U.S. ARMY (Ret.)

DEAR DALE: Thank you for the timely reminder that the things we take for granted can become great luxuries in times of need.

DEAR ABBY: I received a gift of handmade note cards made by the giver. Would it be improper for me to use one of these note cards to write my thank-you? -- ETIQUETTE-CHALLENGED IN FLORIDA

DEAR ETIQUETTE-CHALLENGED: Not only would it be proper to use one of the cards to thank the giver, it would also be a compliment.

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