DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Dennis," and I have been happily married for 13 years and have two great sons. Our only problem is we haven't spoken to Dennis' mother, "Roz," in more than three years. Roz is always mad at us -- for what, we're not sure. It's as if we can never please her, and she has just cut us off.

Dennis has gone through years of psychotherapy to heal the emotional damage Roz has caused him, and he has come a long way. He's now a successful and happy man.

Our older boy will be having his bar mitzvah in two years, and already Dennis is stressing out about whether to include Roz or not. Having a relationship with her was strained at best. We were constantly walking on eggshells. In Roz's eyes we could do no right. How can we avoid feeling guilty about not including her -- or should we invite her? -- AMBIVALENT IN FLORIDA

DEAR AMBIVALENT: Grit your teeth and invite her. A Jewish grandson's 13th birthday isn't an occasion that slips by unnoticed. If Roz does not attend your son's bar mitzvah, there will be questions about her absence. Of course, if there has been no communication for three years, there's a strong likelihood that she won't attend. However, if she does, make sure she's seated with other relatives, as far away from your husband as possible. If she's absent, be sure to tell anyone who asks that she was invited.

DEAR ABBY: Last February, I went for my annual mammogram. They found that I had an invasive cancer in one breast. I opted to have both breasts removed because I didn't want to go through the trauma of it all over again. I kept my spirits up, and opted against reconstructive surgery because I am not comfortable with the procedure. I don't wear padded bras because they are a hassle. I'm happy with my chest the way it is.

Sometimes it's a challenge to wear certain kinds of dresses, but I can usually overcome that.

My problem is, I have many friends -- well-meaning, I am sure -- both male and female, who are always suggesting different ways for me to make it look like I have breasts. One male friend even suggested that it takes away the "eye appeal and mystery." How can I make these people understand that I'm happy the way I am? My husband says I'm just as sexy as I was before. -- FLAT AND SASSY IN OREGON

DEAR SASSY: You are a woman who is doubly blessed. Not only do you have a healthy sense of self-esteem, you also have a mature and loving spouse. When your friends offer unsolicited advice, smile and tell them, "I'm happy the way I am, thank you, and I don't believe in false advertising. End of subject."

DEAR ABBY: It has been almost a year since the home invasion at my son's apartment that nearly cost him his life. (He was nearly beaten to death.)

A week ago, I found out that the woman who spends most of the time living with my son was the person who set the whole thing up. Should I tell my son the facts of the matter? How, exactly, should I broach the subject? -- WORRIED MOM IN L.A.

DEAR WORRIED MOM: If you have facts pertaining to a crime that was committed, inform the police so the matter can be properly investigated. Once that's done, tell your son face-to-face what you have learned and how you learned it. The information could save his life.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a junior in college, but I don't feel like one. I am still afraid of my parents. My mom and dad never physically abused me or my brothers, but they were verbally abusive. They had a tough life, married young, and had my older brother and me while they were in their early 20s. They are now in their mid-40s and they still hate each other.

I get phone calls from home every day asking me where I am and what have I done, and if Mom doesn't like what I say, she hangs up and a few minutes later Dad calls to curse me out for "upsetting Mom" because she calls to harass him at work.

I am not going home this summer. I don't think of their house as a home. I have been in therapy for the past two years without telling them. I support myself and pay for my own schooling. The only thing I don't pay for is $200 a month for car insurance.

Abby, I love my parents, but I'm kept a virtual prisoner when I'm at home, and I'm physically ill from being harassed when I'm at school. Please print this; maybe one of them will read it. -- SHAKING SON IN THE BRONX

DEAR SHAKING: It's time to reorganize your priorities. If the only thing that's making you tolerate this situation is the fact that your father is paying your car insurance, you might be better off not driving for a while. For your own mental health, cut not only the umbilical cord with your mother, but also the telephone cord. And because after two years of therapy, you continue to tolerate the treatment you're getting from your parents, please consider changing therapists.

DEAR ABBY: I am 29 and have a slight hearing loss in one ear and almost complete hearing loss in the other. I work in retail, and when I'm talking to a customer and see that the person is getting frustrated by having to repeat his or her questions, I apologize and say that I have a hearing loss.

The question I always get back from them is "Why?" What should I say to them, short of being sarcastic? I think it's rude for people to ask why. I don't even know why I have the hearing loss. (The doctors are clueless.)

Should I even tell people what I have been telling them? -- IRRITATED IN ST. PAUL

DEAR IRRITATED: Because your customer(s) become frustrated at having to repeat their questions, you're doing the right thing to explain the reason why. Asking you what caused the problem is natural curiosity, so please don't hold it against them. Just tell them exactly what you have told me -- you don't know what caused it and the doctors aren't sure. End of discussion.

DEAR ABBY: What are the rules of etiquette for hand-shaking between men and women? Is it proper when a woman extends her hand to a man for him to offer his left hand to shake? Or is this some back-handed insult?

I am involved in receiving lines and have had this happen many times. They always offer their right hand to the next man in line. Should I take this as an insult, or do these men just not know how to act properly? -- IN A QUANDARY IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR IN A QUANDARY: A person who looks hard enough for an insult is sure to find one, so I recommend against it. It has been my experience that people who offer their left hand to shake often have a physical problem of some sort such as a sprain or arthritis. You can't go wrong to smile, be charming, and deal with the hand you're dealt.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are in the security business. My ex-wife is considering hiring us to provide security at her upcoming wedding because of some potential threats.

The problem is that my ex-wife and I have had some heated differences over the last five years. While our communication has improved greatly, there are still differences regarding our child that remain unresolved. Personally, I don't like my ex very much and I have told her so, but I'm professional in my duties and on the job, and I don't intend to let our personal conflicts get in the way of her happiness.

The only other concern I have about my ex is being paid for our services, as I have been burned by her in the past. Would it be wrong to require payment and a signed contract prior to her wedding? -- FEELING INSECURE ABOUT SECURITY IN OREGON

DEAR FEELING INSECURE: Not at all. But why you would want to do business with a customer you neither like nor trust is beyond me. If there's the slightest doubt that you will be fully compensated for your services, get written proof that you were hired rather than invited as a guest -- and a hefty "security" deposit up front.

DEAR ABBY: Is it OK for an atheist not to participate in the saying of "grace" before a meal while dining with those who do? I ask because I am a non-believer and, frankly, I'm uncomfortable participating in prayer.

On the other hand, I respect other people's beliefs, and I don't want to offend anyone. Your thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. -- NON-BELIEVER IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR NON-BELIEVER: If you do not wish to say grace, bow your head respectfully while your companions do, and say "Amen" when they are finished. There is no rule of etiquette that demands you say the prayer.

DEAR ABBY: Growing up in a Chinese family, high expectations have always been placed on me, especially since I am the oldest son. I have always been categorized as "gifted," so the academic expectations have been doubled where I'm concerned. I expect to attend an American college, and my parents want me to get into an elite school.

Three months ago, I started dating a girl. I really do love her, but at the same time, I don't want to compromise my grades and disappoint my parents. I'm starting to see the effects this girl is having on my grades, and my parents have also noticed the drop. I haven't told them about her and have been seeing her secretly.

Should I tell my parents and ask for their advice -- which may mean an abrupt end to my relationship with the girl? Or should I try harder with my grades and continue the relationship at the same time? Is she worth the effort? This has been on my mind for two weeks. Please advise me. -- TORN IN TAIWAN

DEAR TORN: You appear to be intelligent and responsible. Although this girl is special to you, there is a lot at stake. Sneaking behind your parents' backs is neither a way to inspire confidence nor to show your maturity. Please level with them. You are all on the same team, and they might be more flexible than you think.

However, if they're not, then your education must come first. Your preparation for college won't last forever, and if you have something special with this girl, you can always pursue it later.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

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