DEAR ABBY: After six years of marriage and a beautiful daughter, my wife, "Chanelle," demanded a separation. She said she needed time to "find herself." She forgot to mention that she was having an affair with a subordinate at work, "Earl." Eventually, Earl's wife and I found out. Chanelle lost her job, her boyfriend and her self-respect.

Suddenly she wanted me back. I wasn't sure I could live with a woman who had lied and cheated on me.

After a year later, Chanelle became pregnant with our son, who is due in a few months. I'm positive the baby is mine, so we decided for the children's sake to reconcile.

I still can't forgive Chanelle for the affair. She used a string of lies to cover her activities, so I'm having severe trust issues. I was faithful throughout our marriage. While we were separated, I frequently lent her money and ran errands for her. At the time, she told me she hadn't been in love with me since the birth of our daughter. Now I feel used.

During our separation, I made sure our daughter called Chanelle's parents every night. We spent holidays with them while Chanelle worked. Instead of thanking me for it, they insist that I drove their daughter into the arms of another man. To make things worse, my parents refuse to accept Chanelle back into the family.

In all fairness, Chanelle was the last person you'd think would have an affair. She was family-oriented and had conservative values. Earl was the last person you'd imagine she'd choose. He's a chain-smoking, married redneck with a history of infidelity.

Both sets of in-laws are trying to sabotage the marriage, my feelings for my wife have changed, and I now realize I never really knew Chanelle at all. Can this marriage be saved? -- SHAKEN, NOT STIRRED IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR SHAKEN: Absolutely, provided you and your wife make up your minds that you really need each other and are willing to work out your problems in marriage counseling. Both of you have your work cut out for you. You must explore what drove you apart in the first place and fix it. Do not blame your parents for their attitude, or your in-laws for reacting to what they were told during your separation. If you and Chanelle make it clear that nothing will come between you, they'll come to accept it.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Chris," a wonderful guy, for nine months. The subject of marriage has come up, and Chris says that when he's married he will not wear a wedding ring because of his job. He is a police officer.

I don't think wearing a wedding ring would in any way put his life at risk. I'm extremely upset about this. Am I making a big deal out of nothing -– or is Chris making excuses out of fear of commitment? -- SUSPICIOUS IN ROCHESTER

DEAR SUSPICIOUS: I consulted the Los Angeles Police Department and was told that an officer may wear a wedding band on duty if he or she chooses. However, if the officer is going undercover, it might be in his or her best interest not to wear certain jewelry.

If Chris was the one who raised the subject of marriage, I doubt he has a fear of commitment. It's possible that he simply doesn't like to wear jewelry. Not all married men wear wedding rings, and not all men who wear them are faithful husbands. If I were you, I'd lighten up.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a federal law enforcement officer and proud of my job. I have worked hard to get to this position, and I would like to live to retirement.

There are people in my community who know what I do for a living and feel compelled to tell everyone else. I don't wear a uniform, and I don't need everyone to know who I am. Many people would never guess what I do for a living, and that is fine with me. Let them assume that I'm a nurse, a secretary or a stay-at-home mom.

If I'm in a social situation off-duty such as a restaurant, school function, church or beauty salon, invariably someone will see me and announce for all to hear, "Do you have your gun in your purse?" or they'll call me by my job title.

I have asked them to please stop and just call me by name. They don't seem to get it. They could get me killed! I'm sure I speak for many other plainclothes officers. I may be having dinner with a friend, or I could be involved in an undercover operation and have my cover blown.

I deal with violent offenders who have family members and friends in the area. Those individuals may attend the same school as my child or the same church that I do. Please, Abby, ask your readers not to make our jobs more difficult than they already are. -- OFFICER ANYWHERE, U.S.A.

DEAR OFFICER ANYWHERE: Your letter is an important one, because I'm sure you're not the only officer of the law who has encountered this problem.

People may act this way because your profession seems glamorous and they want to appear to be "in the know." It could also be thoughtlessness or just plain stupidity. However, because the individuals you mentioned continue to do it despite having been asked not to, my advice is to remind them that there are legal penalties for endangering the life of a member of law enforcement, and if they don't "cease and desist" you will be forced to take the necessary steps to protect yourself.

DEAR ABBY: In a recent column you advised the mother of a girl who had confided that she is gay and wants to come out, that homosexuality has "nothing to do with parenting and everything to do with genetics." You need to retract that statement. If you do not publicly admit your error, I will know you are a mouthpiece for the gay and lesbian crowd. -- LEONARD IN LYNCHBURG

DEAR LEONARD: If I did not believe with all my heart that what I wrote is true, I wouldn't have put my thoughts on paper. Homosexuality is simply a variant of sexual orientation. Those who claim it is "unnatural" should direct their attention to Dr. Joan Roughgarden, a biologist at Stanford University with a Ph.D. from Harvard, who states that more than 300 vertebrate species have been found to practice homosexuality. (A visit to any zoo might confirm it.) And while one gene may not be responsible for this variant, Italian researcher Andrea Camperio-Ciani of the University of Padua notes that research findings point to there being more than one "gay gene," and that the genetic factors linked to homosexuality in men are also linked to increased fertility in women.

I stand by my reply.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I had to write after reading the letter about "Granny Clair" who reeks of mothballs. My mother's home was also filled with mothballs. All her clothing smelled like mothballs, too. About 15 years ago, she experienced bad vertigo and nausea. One doctor told her it was her inner ear. Another told her it was her eyes.

Three years ago, we visited her in winter while the house was all closed up. One morning I awoke with so much dizziness and nausea I could hardly lift my head. When I returned to California, I mentioned it to my doctor, who told me I had been poisoned by the mothballs. Later, my mother had to move to a convalescent home. After six months of living there, her vertigo disappeared.

Please let people who use mothballs know they should be careful how they use them. We're lucky neither of us died from it. -- DARLENE IN MISSION VIEJO, CALIF.

DEAR DARLENE: Thank you for the warning. I'm sure more than a few people will be surprised to learn that mothballs can be toxic to humans. (I was.) Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I'm very concerned about that 75-year-old grandmother whose house is permeated with the smell of mothballs. The main component of mothballs is naphthalene, an aromatic hydrocarbon, which can cause all sorts of neurological problems, as well as hemolytic anemia, kidney and liver damage and cataracts. Remember, this is a poison that is meant to kill insects, and humans or other mammals are not immune to its effects.

Other aromatic hydrocarbons include benzene, gasoline, phenol, styrene, toluene and xylene, which are known to cause neurological damage.

I would not take Granny Claire to an ear, nose and throat specialist. I'd take her immediately to her internist and explain the situation so that the proper blood tests can be administered. -- WORRIED ABOUT GRANNY'S HEALTH IN IRVINE, CALIF.

DEAR WORRIED: Good grief! I will contact the woman's relative immediately and make sure that it's done.

DEAR ABBY: I'm deeply worried about the elderly woman who smells of mothballs. There are warnings on the container about their toxicity and the danger of too much exposure to the vapors, which she is receiving if her clothes aren't aired out thoroughly before they are worn. She may be unaware of the danger, and feel that "if a little is good, a lot is better," which is common in older people who are unaware of the downside of pesticides.

Maybe one of her trusted relatives can work with her to limit the mothball use to one closed trunk, and help her air out her house and clothing. If there is a moth problem, there are other less toxic ways to get rid of the pests.

Thanks for helping to educate a lot of people today. Pesticides, including such common "harmless" ones as mothballs, must be treated with respect. -- JERI, AN R.N. IN MICHIGAN

DEAR JERI: I learn from my readers every day. I'm pleased to help.

DEAR ABBY: I bought a rubber garbage container with a tight-fitting lid. I roll my clothes so they'll take less space and fill it halfway up. On top of them I place a sheet of fabric softener or perfumed soap bars. Then I put the remaining clothes into the container, top them with another sheet of fabric softener and put on the lid. I never find any insects or critters later. I am a contemporary of "Granny Claire's" and hope she'll take my advice. -- EVONNE IN DENVER

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