DEAR ABBY: I can't seem to get my brother-in-law to stop making vulgar comments to me. When he started dating my sister, I was right out of high school, and he would make comments and I'd just laugh them off. I am now in my 30s, and he still comments on my breast size, etc. When he does it, I tell him how disgusting it is and he laughs.

I don't understand it. My sister and I are years apart. She's the most gorgeous woman I know. She's built like a model, so it confuses me that he says these things. He never makes the comments in front of anyone, just when I'm alone or if I happen to answer the phone. I don't know how to handle this. Should I tell my sister or my boyfriend? Please help. -- ENOUGH ALREADY IN CALIF.

DEAR ENOUGH ALREADY: First, speak up and inform your verbal abuser (because that's what he is) that you want the comments stopped immediately, or you will tell your sister. If he persists, describe to her what he has been saying and how uncomfortable it makes you feel. Your brother-in-law may think he's being witty and clever and that you're enjoying his comments. So straighten him out -- and make sure he knows there will be consequences if he doesn't knock it off.

DEAR ABBY: I am heartsick as I write this. I have just lost the closest thing in this world to me outside my immediate family. I just buried my sweetie-pie Sandy, an Amazon parrot I have had for 26 years. That's longer than my two sons lived with me.

Sandy died because I burned a Teflon pan, and learned the hard way that Teflon fumes are deadly to birds. (They can also be harmful to small children.)

Bird owners, if you're considering buying a Teflon product, please reconsider. If you own one, get rid of it. If I can save just one person the grief I'm going through, it will make me feel better. Yes, I know I'll get over this -- but it won't be easy. -- BOB IN ATLANTA

DEAR BOB: Please accept my condolences for the loss of your pet. I'm sure this experience has been painful for you. I am printing your letter as a warning to other bird owners, as well as parents of small children. Thank you for writing.

DEAR ABBY: I am 18 and have been dating a good-looking, polite, wonderful guy I'll call "Lance." I want a bright future with a family while I'm young, so my kids will have young grandparents. My problem is that Lance, who is 20, is lazy. He flunked his junior college courses.

I am a good student, and I'm surrounded every day by engineers and pre-med guys who show an interest in me. I have warned Lance that he needs to grow up, but he pays no attention. Although he may be a late bloomer, I don't want to raise my kids in a financially unstable setting if he doesn't change.

Should I dump Lance, or try to mold him into being ambitious? What is the wisest thing to do while I'm still attractive and have options? -- WAFFLING IN HOUSTON

DEAR WAFFLING: Ambition and drive are qualities that come from within. You can't mold somebody into being ambitious.

If you're looking for someone who's a ball of fire, face it -- it's not the man you're dating. Tell Lance it's time you both began dating others. From the tone of your letter, it's what you really want to do.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Andrew" for four years. It's my second marriage and his third. Two months after our wedding, Andrew was diagnosed with colon cancer. I stood by his side and supported him even though his family did not help me.

Andrew was in remission for three years, during which he was abusive physically, mentally and emotionally. I wanted to take my children and leave -- but six months ago he was diagnosed with liver cancer. I couldn't leave him alone at a time like that, so I decided to stay.

Since then, Andrew has twice threatened to kill himself and take me with him. I'm scared, but I'm afraid to leave him alone because he is my husband. He wants nothing to do with counseling.

During one of his appointments, I learned that he had hepatitis and didn't tell me. (I have since had myself and the children checked, and we are fine.) I no longer trust Andrew, and I'm afraid to sleep at night. My children now live with my mother, who is not far away. He has done many other things to make me not trust him any longer. His family is no help. Should I stay and continue to be supportive? Please help me. -- EXHAUSTED AND SLEEPLESS IN LA

DEAR EXHAUSTED: Schedule an appointment with your husband's doctor and tell him or her what you have told me. Other arrangements should be made for his care. He appears to be mentally unbalanced, and he could attempt to carry out his threat. Unless you are willing to risk your children being left with no mother, you will do this for their sakes, not to mention your own.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a new clerical job for only a few weeks. I type a lot of handwritten drafts for my computer-illiterate boss. While typing, I have noticed that the grammar he uses for in-house correspondence is less than stellar. I correct small mistakes where necessary, but I'm uncomfortable with changing sentence structure or reshaping paragraphs, although my boss's writing could benefit from it. If I could edit as I please, his correspondence would be more concise and easier to read.

Should I bother to correct his mistakes, aside from spelling and verb tense? The public doesn't see any of this, and everyone here is already aware of his writing style. What will make him look worse -- poor grammar, or a sudden, inexplicable improvement that seemed to arrive with his new secretary? What will make me look worse -- letting this slide, or appearing uppity?

Also, if I should be reworking his drafts, how should I broach the subject of asking permission to do so? He's very casual as far as bosses go, but I don't want to cause embarrassment by pointing out that I have stronger writing skills. -- GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT: I see nothing uppity or embarrassing in saying to an employer that English grammar is your strong suit and asking if he would mind if you rework his correspondence -- as long as he reviews any draft before it is sent out. Bosses usually value employees who make them look better than they actually are.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a new clerical job for only a few weeks. I type a lot of handwritten drafts for my computer-illiterate boss. While typing, I have noticed that the grammar he uses for in-house correspondence is less than stellar. I correct small mistakes where necessary, but I'm uncomfortable with changing sentence structure or reshaping paragraphs, although my boss's writing could benefit from it. If I could edit as I please, his correspondence would be more concise and easier to read.

Should I bother to correct his mistakes, aside from spelling and verb tense? The public doesn't see any of this, and everyone here is already aware of his writing style. What will make him look worse -- poor grammar, or a sudden, inexplicable improvement that seemed to arrive with his new secretary? What will make me look worse -- letting this slide, or appearing uppity?

Also, if I should be reworking his drafts, how should I broach the subject of asking permission to do so? He's very casual as far as bosses go, but I don't want to cause embarrassment by pointing out that I have stronger writing skills. -- GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT: I see nothing uppity or embarrassing in saying to an employer that English grammar is your strong suit and asking if he would mind if you rework his correspondence -- as long as he reviews any draft before it is sent out. Bosses usually value employees who make them look better than they actually are.

DEAR ABBY: Would you please give me your definition of maturity? Thank you in advance. -- WONDERING IN WOODBURY

DEAR WONDERING: Maturity is the ability to control our impulses, to think beyond the moment, and consider how our words and our actions will affect ourselves and others before we act.

DEAR READERS: An older reader with a broken wrist recently wrote me to complain that it has become impossible for seniors to open various products because manufacturers now seal them so securely. True to form, my readers stepped up to the plate to offer helpful suggestions. (Dear Abby readers are without a doubt the kindest, most generous people in the world!) Read on:

FROM WAUWATOSA, WIS.: There's a product that is indispensable for weakened or arthritic hands. It's a thin, flat disc made of pliable rubber, textured on one side. A friend gave me one years ago, and it helps me get a grip on hard-to-open jars. Some businesses give them away as promotional items, and I think they're available in hardware stores.

FROM ANDOVER, MINN.: If that reader eats fresh broccoli, he or she is in luck. The stems are held together by small, sturdy, wide rubber bands. Slip one around the top of a jar or bottle and it can be twisted off without straining your wrist -- I guarantee. I'm 84, and into everything!

FROM WALLINGFORD, CONN.: I just hold the top of the jar or bottle under hot running water for a few seconds. The heat causes it to expand and makes opening easier.

FROM WESTON, MO.: I'm a senior, too. Here's the answer ... put on a pair of rubber gloves, and you'll get a better grip on the item.

FROM SEATTLE: I'm a caregiver. I don't know if the general population knows this, but a lot of pharmacies will fill their prescriptions in bubble packs. Bubble packs are similar to bubble wrap. Getting to the medication is as easy as popping an air-filled bubble. The agency I work for does business with a pharmacy that will even put over-the-counter medications into bubble packs.

FROM MISSOULA, MONT.: I use a wide-bladed flat screwdriver. I insert the blade under the edge of the lid and pry it up in a few places. It breaks the vacuum seal and the jar unscrews easily.

FROM OAK HARBOR, WASH.: I keep a magnetic bottle opener handily stuck on the door of my refrigerator. To open stubborn jars, I slip the point under the edge of the lid and break the seal.

FROM NEW JERSEY: I read with amusement and sympathy the letter from "Broken Wrist in Alabama." Rather than spend $50 for an electric jar opener, I sprang for a buck-and-a-half ice pick. I puncture a hole in the center of the lid with the ice pick, the vacuum is released and the lid simply twists off. If the contents of the jar are not completely used, I seal the opening with cellophane tape or plastic wrap for storage. It's an easy, low-cost solution to a problem many of us have to deal with.

FROM KENTS STORE, VA.: It's not just medicines and food stuffs, Abby. Battery packs, small tools, all kinds of things are almost impossible to open because they are sealed in tough plastic. I am fit and active. I garden and am pretty strong, but some of those packages almost defeat me. There's no way to open this kind of packaging without scissors or worse. I hope somebody listens to this.

DEAR READERS: So do I!

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)