DEAR ABBY: I am a 24-year-old woman, married to a 44-year-old man I'll call Harlan.

The abuse didn't start until six months after we were married. It didn't happen often at first, so I felt like I deserved being hit. Three years into our marriage, Harlan kicked me until I curled up in the fetal position. Then he soaked me with lighter fluid and told me he'd be right back after he ran a tub of water so he could put me out after I burned. When he left, I jumped into my car and left for the first time.

Soon after, I met someone. He was a great guy and I wanted so badly to be happy, but after six months I returned to Harlan. Harlan had promised that things would be different and, at first, they were great –- until he started drinking again.

Then one day I got in the car with him, and he said we were going for a ride. He pulled out a pistol, pointed it at my head, and told me I'd never breathe again. He made me get on my knees and beg for my life.

Then he ordered me to get into the trunk of the car. I refused, and he fired a shot. The bullet buzzed past my head. Next, he told me to get back in the car next to him. He pointed the gun in my direction and fired. I lost the hearing in my left ear and had severe headaches for months afterward.

You would think after all that I'd leave and never come back, because each time I do it gets worse. I have reported Harlan to the police and they had evidence against him, but still refuse to do anything. My heart is aching and I feel like I am to blame. Please help me. I love my husband, Abby, but I know in my heart if I don't go I'll end up badly hurt. -- HURTING IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR HURTING: Your letter curled my hair. If you don't leave your husband you will wind up DEAD. Although you love him, you must wake up and recognize that his abuse has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. He is sick, without the normal controls that people need to function in a healthy relationship, and he is dangerous.

When dealing with a personality like your husband's, you must be very careful about leaving. The people at the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you formulate an escape plan. Their toll-free number is (800) 799-7233. (They also have a TTY number for the hearing-impaired: (800) 787-3224.) Once you are safely away, you will need psychological help to break this cycle, and I pray that this time you'll get it. You will have to make a new start, and mental health professionals who deal with domestic violence can help you accomplish it. I wish you luck.

DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, my smart, funny and caring (then) 16-year-old son, "Will," told me he was gay. I was, and am, very supportive and told him my only wish is for him to be happy. At that time, I asked Will to tell his father, and he said he would –- when he was ready.

Two years have passed and still not a word to Dad. I have told Will that I feel his father will be supportive. My son knows that we have gay friends, and he has never heard either of us utter a derogatory word about gays. I don't feel it's my place to tell my husband, but I feel awful that I have known for so long. I'm worried that my husband will be hurt if he finds out just how long I have known without informing him. Should I go ahead and tell my husband, or wait until Will is ready? –- MOM OF A WONDERFUL GAY SON

DEAR MOM: Talk to Will and find out why he won't come out to his father. Your son may have his reasons. However, two years is a long time to carry a "secret" like this one, so tell him that the burden of silence has grown heavy for you. Offer to be with him when he talks to his dad -- but do not betray the confidence.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a safety engineer with the Federal Highway Administration. Because our nation is committed to maintaining its roads and highways, there is an enormous amount of continued road maintenance and reconstruction going on in every state. Much of the work is done at night in order to reduce traffic congestion, which means that our workers are harder to see, and driving through a work zone can be more difficult.

During the period from 1998 to 2002, the number of people killed on foot and in motor vehicle accidents in work zones went from 722 to a high of 1,181 -- with more than 52,000 seriously injured in 2002. The good news is, in 2003, with more emphasis on work zones, the number of fatalities dropped to 1,028 and serious injuries to 41,239. We would like to continue that downward trend.

Please remind everyone who is traveling through a work zone to be extra-attentive to his or her speed, the current road conditions, changing traffic patterns and our highway workers. Safety is everyone's responsibility. Lives can be saved if motorists do their part. -- KENNETH J. KOCHEVAR, SACRAMENTO, CALIF.

DEAR KENNETH: I'm glad to do my part. The deaths and injuries you described are preventable. Remember, folks, these workers are on the job to make your travel safe, efficient and smooth. They may be just a few feet on the other side of those orange cones or barriers.

Some safety tips for driving in work zones:

(1) Slow down! Speeding is one of the major causes of work-zone accidents.

(2) Expect the unexpected, including altered traffic lanes.

(3) Don't tailgate. The most common crash in a highway work zone is a rear-end collision because someone was driving too close to the car in front.

(4) Keep your vehicle a safe distance from the construction workers and their equipment.

(5) Obey road-crew flaggers, and pay attention to the signs.

(6) Stay alert and minimize distractions. (This means talking on cell phones or changing radio stations.)

(7) Plan ahead. The National Work Zone Safety Information Clearinghouse, http://wzsafety.tamu.edu, posts links to information on work-zone delays throughout the country. If you know road work is being done in your area, allow enough time to drive safely to your destination, and check radio, TV and Web sites for traffic updates before you hit the road.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single male in my 50s, and I have met a lady I'm getting along with very well. We both agree that a relationship must be built on honesty, among other things.

When is the proper time to make a complete health disclosure? I am on medication for high blood pressure, high cholesterol and diabetes. All these are under control because of the medications. I certainly plan to tell her about these things, but I don't want to scare her off by telling her too soon, or appear deceptive by waiting too long. What's your advice on this matter? -- HONEST IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR HONEST: When your relationship progresses to the point that you are spending extended periods of time together, it will become apparent that you are taking certain medications. If she asks you about them, answer her questions honestly. If she does not ask, discuss your medical history with her before you propose marriage, because at that time it could affect her decision.

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DEAR ABBY: My wife and I both have professional jobs and share housework. I do all the laundry, she does all the cooking, and we share the cleaning. That's not the problem. The problem is our 7-year-old daughter "Vanessa's" habit of changing clothes whenever she feels the urge.

My logic says that by the end of the week, Vanessa should have seven dirty outfits -– one or two outfits of deviation is acceptable to me. However, that's not the case. Every week, it seems like I wash Vanessa's entire wardrobe! My wife says, "That's what little girls do."

Abby, I was raised with three brothers and my wife was raised with three sisters, so she has more experience than I do. Experience aside, I feel Vanessa needs to be talked to about not changing so often –- or at least putting an outfit back in the drawer if it has only been worn an hour or two. Help! –- LORD OF THE LAUNDRY, ROCHESTER, N.Y.

DEAR LORD OF THE LAUNDRY: Glad to. At 7, your royal child is old enough to have responsibilities of her own in your castle. It's time she started helping you in the laundering department. Once Vanessa realizes that her clean clothes are a result of someone's effort and do not magically appear in her bureau, she may be more cooperative.

DEAR ABBY: The man I was engaged to for one year died suddenly. I'm wondering if it's OK to continue wearing my engagement ring. If so, for how long? -- GRIEVING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR GRIEVING: Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. Although your engagement is over, you may continue to wear the ring as long as you wish. When you are ready to date again, either wear the ring on your right hand or have the stone reset into another piece of jewelry.

DEAR ABBY: The man I was engaged to for one year died suddenly. I'm wondering if it's OK to continue wearing my engagement ring. If so, for how long? -- GRIEVING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR GRIEVING: Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. Although your engagement is over, you may continue to wear the ring as long as you wish. When you are ready to date again, either wear the ring on your right hand or have the stone reset into another piece of jewelry.

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