DEAR ABBY: My mother came to help us when my wife, "Dana," was due to give birth. When Dana's water broke and her contractions started, Mom insisted that I take her shopping. She argued that deliveries take a long time, and she needed certain ingredients for a special meal. Dana wanted to go to the hospital. We argued back and forth, and finally Dana said: "Fine. Go. But come back as fast as you can."

Once we were at the mall, my mother said she also wanted to rent some movies. The short story is, we ended up spending a long time shopping. When we arrived back home, Dana was desperate. We drove to the hospital, and the doctor was annoyed that I had waited so long to get her there.

Dana delivered a healthy baby after three hours, but the doctor insisted that we should have arrived at the hospital earlier, and my wife agreed. I told Dana she should have been more assertive and demanded to be taken to the hospital. Who is right? -– CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE

DEAR CAUGHT: Your mother's ignorance and lack of sensitivity are appalling. Childbirth is painful and traumatic enough without adding the stress of a power struggle with an in-law. Your wife's wishes should have taken precedence over your mother's desire to go shopping. Please remember that, and while we're on the subject of childbirth -- and weddings -- read on:

DEAR ABBY: My best friend is being married in Las Vegas. Her brother's wife is pregnant, and her due date is seven days before the proposed wedding date. My friend's brother is trying to make her feel guilty about wanting to keep the date. My friend would very much prefer her brother to be present on her big day, and she's angry that he is making this about them instead of her. Should she reschedule her wedding around her sister-in-law's pregnancy? -- BRIDE'S BEST FRIEND IN CANADA

DEAR BEST FRIEND: I doubt that the ob/gyn would want his patient to travel such a long distance so late in her pregnancy. The father-to-be should be with his wife when she gives birth. If the bride wants to be absolutely sure her brother can attend, she should change the date of the wedding. If that is not possible, perhaps the ceremony could be videotaped, and a copy sent to the brother and his wife.

DEAR ABBY: Many mornings, in your column, and other advice columns, I see problems about weddings. The letters all voice similar complaints: Reality is interfering with someone's dream wedding. One letter you printed came from a young woman who was upset that she wasn't getting the kind of wedding she wanted because her mother and mother-in-law were paying for it.

Your advice to pay for what she wanted herself was valid -- but she might also keep the following in mind. As a mother of two daughters, I, too, was obsessed about hosting the "perfect wedding." Then a dear friend and neighbor, the rabbi who was to officiate at my daughter's weddings, commented: "The wedding lasts at most two hours; it's the marriage that counts."

That bit of wisdom helped me relax. My daughters' marriages have lasted 27 and 30 years, respectively. Although the celebrations were lovely, I'm sure neither one was "perfect." But who cares? No one! How right he was. -- SUE R. IN CINCINNATI

DEAR SUE: I hope your advice helps those who need it to recognize their priorities. Your rabbi was right. The most important thing at a wedding is the love the bride and groom have for each other. All the rest is window dressing.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR READERS: In light of recent events, many of you have requested that I reprint something regarding living wills, a subject that has appeared in this column since the early 1970s. Because this subject is both important and timely, I am doing so -- with additional comments. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: No one wakes up in the morning planning to have an accident, a heart attack or some other life-threatening condition. All too often doctors and nurses are faced with a family divided on what they "think" our patient would want (or not want). Combine this with the shock and grief these people are experiencing, and the situation becomes volatile. People should complete a living will before they need one. -- FORMER SURGICAL NURSE, VIRGINIA BEACH, VA.

DEAR FORMER NURSE: Thank you for speaking from the perspective of someone who has been in the trenches and seen firsthand how important it is to make one's wishes clearly understood.

DEAR ABBY: I saw my handsome, 6-foot, 200-pound father waste away to an 88-pound skeleton after fighting a two-year battle with cancer. The doctors told us it was hopeless, yet they kept that poor dear man alive month after month with transfusions, tubes, needles and drugs, while he prayed to God to take him.

Abby, you would do millions of readers a priceless service by acquainting them with the living will. --GRATEFUL IN JOLIET, ILL.

DEAR READERS: By now, the importance of having an advance directive -- or living will -- should be apparent to everyone. Contrary to what many people may believe, this is not just a document for old people. A living will is simply a document that instructs your physician, lawyer, clergyman, family members -- even a few trusted friends -- what your wishes are if there is no hope for your recovery and you are unable to speak for yourself.

I have a living will, and I hope that the people who love me will respect it. Mine states that if there is no hope for my recovery and all hope for life is gone, or I lose my sense of reason, I do not wish to be kept alive by artificial means.

If any of you disagree with this philosophy, you should put your own feelings clearly in writing, too.

For information about advanced directives or living wills, consult your physician, your legal adviser, or visit � HYPERLINK http://www.compassionandchoices.org ��www.compassionandchoices.org�. Click at the bottom of the Web page where it says "Information about advance directives."

Anyone with problems having an advance directive honored should contact the Compassion and Choices support staff toll-free at 1-800-247-7421. This group will advocate for honoring your advance directive, including legal action if necessary. Its services are free, and are supported entirely by donations and memberships.

DEAR ABBY: Please settle a question about wedding etiquette for me. My friend feels it is the guests' responsibility to "seek out" the bride to congratulate her at the reception.

I have been married 12 years, and I remember that one of the important things I had to do was to mingle with the guests and thank them for coming. Has this ritual changed since then? -- SNUBBED IN CINCINNATI

DEAR SNUBBED: No, good manners have not changed. I don't know how large the wedding you attended was, but the bride should have visited each table to have personally thanked her guests. It's the gracious thing to do.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband's brother, "Jake," has been with "Lizzie" on and off for a year. They had a baby a few months ago, just days after I gave birth to my fifth child. Ever since their baby girl was born, Lizzie has called me begging for me to keep little "Stacy" for one reason or another. Since I am a stay-at-home mom with five kids, she thinks one more is no big deal. I have watched Stacy a few times because I feel sorry for her, but enough is enough.

Lizzie leaves Stacy in her bed all day and props a bottle in her mouth every time she cries. Stacy always has a diaper rash, and I have witnessed that Lizzie will leave her in a dirty diaper until someone offers to change her.

Jake has bragged to my husband that while I am watching his kid, Lizzie is at home sleeping. I don't have the energy to take care of a sixth baby that is just a week younger than my own, but I feel awful leaving Stacy to be ignored. How can I get myself out of this mess without feeling guilty for not watching that baby? -- SAD AUNT IN SPRINGFIELD, ILL.

DEAR SAD AUNT: For the baby's sake, call Child Protective Services and report the neglect. Lizzie is clearly unprepared to be a mother, and her little one is suffering for it. If Lizzie is open to it, parenting classes might help her understand what Stacy's needs are and how to meet them. However, if she's not, it would be better for that baby to be placed with a family who wants her and will properly care for her.

DEAR ABBY: I am an 18-year-old senior in high school, and I'm running into a huge problem with my 28-year-old boyfriend, "Hayden." He has a daughter who is 3. She's a great little girl, but the problem is that Hayden still lives with the child's mother.

I really, really like this guy, Abby, but I have had a lot of bad relationships in the past and I don't want to be hurt again. Hayden swears up and down that he lives there only because it is a good thing for his daughter. He says he is not "with" the mother. What do you think about this? I can't afford to get hurt again. -- CONFUSED AND HURT IN MINNESOTA

DEAR CONFUSED AND HURT: If Hayden is living with the mother of his child, he IS "with" the mother. If you doubt the truth of this, just ask her. I can't guarantee that you won't get hurt again, but if you avoid this kind of "challenge" in the future, the odds against being hurt will be more in your favor.

DEAR ABBY: Please tell me how to use "Miss," "Mrs." and "Ms." when addressing a female. I would especially like to know which one is used for a widow. -- CAROL IN ANDERSON, S.C.

DEAR CAROL: "Miss" denotes a young woman who has never married. I use "Miss" when addressing someone under the age of 18. The title "Mrs." -- plus her husband's name (Mrs. John Smith) -- should be used for a married woman or widow. A divorcee may also be addressed as "Mrs."; however, she should use her own name (Mrs. Ellen Smith).

When a female is old enough to enter the work force, she may be addressed as "Ms." Some married women also prefer to be addressed this way.

When a wife becomes a widow, she is properly addressed as Mrs. plus her husband's name (Mrs. John Smith) until she remarries or dies. I hear from countless widows who have been hurt or offended because mail was addressed to them as if they were divorcees.

A final note: When in doubt, ask the person how she would like to be addressed. It's the surest way to avoid hurt feelings.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)