DEAR ABBY: My husband's brother, "Jake," has been with "Lizzie" on and off for a year. They had a baby a few months ago, just days after I gave birth to my fifth child. Ever since their baby girl was born, Lizzie has called me begging for me to keep little "Stacy" for one reason or another. Since I am a stay-at-home mom with five kids, she thinks one more is no big deal. I have watched Stacy a few times because I feel sorry for her, but enough is enough.

Lizzie leaves Stacy in her bed all day and props a bottle in her mouth every time she cries. Stacy always has a diaper rash, and I have witnessed that Lizzie will leave her in a dirty diaper until someone offers to change her.

Jake has bragged to my husband that while I am watching his kid, Lizzie is at home sleeping. I don't have the energy to take care of a sixth baby that is just a week younger than my own, but I feel awful leaving Stacy to be ignored. How can I get myself out of this mess without feeling guilty for not watching that baby? -- SAD AUNT IN SPRINGFIELD, ILL.

DEAR SAD AUNT: For the baby's sake, call Child Protective Services and report the neglect. Lizzie is clearly unprepared to be a mother, and her little one is suffering for it. If Lizzie is open to it, parenting classes might help her understand what Stacy's needs are and how to meet them. However, if she's not, it would be better for that baby to be placed with a family who wants her and will properly care for her.

DEAR ABBY: I am an 18-year-old senior in high school, and I'm running into a huge problem with my 28-year-old boyfriend, "Hayden." He has a daughter who is 3. She's a great little girl, but the problem is that Hayden still lives with the child's mother.

I really, really like this guy, Abby, but I have had a lot of bad relationships in the past and I don't want to be hurt again. Hayden swears up and down that he lives there only because it is a good thing for his daughter. He says he is not "with" the mother. What do you think about this? I can't afford to get hurt again. -- CONFUSED AND HURT IN MINNESOTA

DEAR CONFUSED AND HURT: If Hayden is living with the mother of his child, he IS "with" the mother. If you doubt the truth of this, just ask her. I can't guarantee that you won't get hurt again, but if you avoid this kind of "challenge" in the future, the odds against being hurt will be more in your favor.

DEAR ABBY: Please tell me how to use "Miss," "Mrs." and "Ms." when addressing a female. I would especially like to know which one is used for a widow. -- CAROL IN ANDERSON, S.C.

DEAR CAROL: "Miss" denotes a young woman who has never married. I use "Miss" when addressing someone under the age of 18. The title "Mrs." -- plus her husband's name (Mrs. John Smith) -- should be used for a married woman or widow. A divorcee may also be addressed as "Mrs."; however, she should use her own name (Mrs. Ellen Smith).

When a female is old enough to enter the work force, she may be addressed as "Ms." Some married women also prefer to be addressed this way.

When a wife becomes a widow, she is properly addressed as Mrs. plus her husband's name (Mrs. John Smith) until she remarries or dies. I hear from countless widows who have been hurt or offended because mail was addressed to them as if they were divorcees.

A final note: When in doubt, ask the person how she would like to be addressed. It's the surest way to avoid hurt feelings.

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DEAR ABBY: I am the stepmother of a preteen girl who has emotional problems. "Leah" treats me, my family and my friends like garbage. She's insulting, disrespectful and very mouthy. She lives with us because we are a stable, loving family, and our community has an excellent school system.

Leah's father and I are trying our best to raise her correctly and show her we love her very much, but it hasn't been easy. We are not the enemy because we expect her to clean her room, do her homework and participate in family life.

I would like to urge divorced parents everywhere to refrain from poisoning their children's minds about their stepparents. Bad-mouthing and brainwashing backfires in the end. Leah is more hurt than we are by her mother's constant negative input.

My husband and I will soon begin counseling with Leah, but I'd like to know if there is a support group for stepparents that we can join. We're trying the best we know how, and it would help to talk to other people in our situation. -- WEARY IN WYOMING

DEAR WEARY: I'm pleased that your family is getting professional help in coping with Leah's emotional problems, and I agree that speaking with others in your situation could be helpful.

The Stepfamily Association of America has chapters and support groups nationwide, as well as professional workshops and conferences for the entire family. Contact it toll-free at (800) 735-0329, or visit the Web site at www.saafamilies.org.

I wish you and your husband the best of luck.

DEAR ABBY: My problem may seem small compared to many of the letters in your column, but I don't know what to do. My problem concerns dentists' offices.

When I was young, dentists had private treatment rooms for patients. Now I cannot find a dentist who doesn't subscribe to the "open floor plan." All examinations, treatments and cleanings take place in plain view of whoever passes by.

I am a very private person, and in addition, I have some teeth that are like the stars. (They come out at night.) I like to maintain the fantasy that my family, friends and neighbors do not know my secret. However, the illusion is difficult to maintain when I sit in plain view with my mouth open, while the "pearly whites" that once appeared to be mine rest on a pedestal, and my next-door neighbor strolls over to say hello. The old saying, "It's a small world," never rings so true as when I'm in the dentist's chair. I shudder to think that my gynecologist could follow in my dentist's footsteps.

The dentist knows how I feel, but he has no private rooms in his office. I could look for another dentist who offers more privacy, but I have been with "Dr. Bill" for 20 years, and I really like him. Any suggestions, Abby? -- OVEREXPOSED IN WASHINGTON

DEAR OVEREXPOSED: You are overdue for a frank talk with Dr. Bill. If you haven't told him how embarrassed you were when your neighbor caught you with your teeth out, you should have. Even if the office can't accommodate a private room, there is no reason why a curtain could not be installed near one of his chairs, as they are near some hospital beds.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." -- Anais Nin

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DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are well-educated professionals. This is the second marriage for both of us. We love each other and feel blessed to have found each other.

Our sex life was wonderful for the first two years of our marriage. But we've been married for four years now, and for the last two I have had to beg him for affection. I'm lucky if it happens every other month now, and when it does it's like he's thinking, "OK, let's get this chore over with," and he merely accommodates me. I have told him how ugly, unloved and insecure this makes me feel, but nothing changes.

I always thought it was a sin to cheat on your spouse, but, Abby, I'm beginning to understand why someone would "wander." Talk doesn't help, and he refuses to see a counselor. What do I do now? -- FRUSTRATED SPOUSE

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Talking may not resolve your problem. Your husband owes you an explanation about why your sex life changed so radically two years ago. And you owe it to him -- and yourself -- to hear him out. Some sessions for you, alone, with a professional counselor might help you to gain some insight.

You love each other and consider yourselves blessed to have found each other. Taking a lover will only drive you apart, and I don't recommend it.

DEAR ABBY: Five years ago, while I was in high school, I broke up with my boyfriend. I was very immature then and didn't appreciate what I had.

He and I remained friendly after the breakup, and he married someone else. The marriage was a disaster from the beginning, and some mutual friends have told me that he confided that he wished he had married me.

He and his wife divorced about a year ago. Not long after that, he started dropping by the store where I work to make small talk.

Abby, I really miss him. I think about him all the time. He was the nicest guy I have ever dated. I'd like to start seeing him again, but I don't know how to get the ball rolling. I don't think he's dating anyone, and I'm not even sure he would want to date me. I'm afraid if I make the first move he will laugh at me. What should I do? -- WANTS HIM BACK IN ALABAMA

DEAR WANTS HIM: Ask him to have coffee, see a movie -- or better yet, have dinner with you. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. And I promise you, he won't laugh.

DEAR ABBY: We provided our 16-year-old daughter, "Alex," with her own car. Her 16-year-old boyfriend, "Neil," isn't driving yet. Neil expects Alex to be able to drive to his house or out to see a movie, and gets upset if she can't.

Is it right for Alex to do all the driving when they go out on a date? Shouldn't Neil's parents be doing some of the driving since he can't? -- CONCERNED PARENTS IN KENTUCKY

DEAR CONCERNED: Since Alex has a car and Neil doesn't drive yet, it's logical that she would be expected to provide transportation. However, there are other things to consider: Who is doing the calling and inviting? Who pays for their dates? If your daughter is doing all of the "courting," the relationship is out of balance.

Feeling as you do, mention your concerns to Neil's parents. And while you're on the subject, tell them that you do not want your daughter visiting their home unless there is an adult present. She should not spend time there without supervision.

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