DEAR ABBY: I have never seen this topic addressed in your column. My wife and I love to eat out. Over the past year, however, we have both been trying to shed some weight and eat more sensibly. A solution that has worked for us is sharing one meal. One meal is often more than enough to satisfy the both of us.

Our problem: Every time we order one meal for the two of us instead of two meals, the service turns sour. This happens often, even though we tip as though we had bought two meals since the server had to serve two people. It is upsetting because we have found that sharing a meal allows us to continue eating out without going off our diets.

The attitude we encounter is almost always rude and condescending. I'd be interested in your opinion. -- DINER IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR DINER: Look at it from the server's point of view. Even though you tip for two, the server doesn't know that until the end of the meal -- so it may not be surprising that you're noticing a chill.

On the other hand, it's not unusual for diners to split a meal, and they do it for a variety of reasons. Since restaurants are supposed to offer hospitality as well as food, when you encounter problems with a server, you should discuss it with the manager (or try another restaurant).

DEAR ABBY: I am being married in three months. It is my fiance "John's" second marriage and my third. I would like to invite the president of the company John works for, and also his direct boss, the regional manager. I told John that it is only common courtesy, and there might be hurt feelings if they are not invited.

John said he prefers to keep his business life separate from his personal life. He asked me to respect his wishes, but I don't want to risk slighting his bosses for fear it will cause him problems later.

It worries me that maybe John is ashamed of me, or that he is afraid he won't be able to relax with them at our wedding, but he says that's not why he prefers we not invite them. I know it's not the cost, Abby; there's more than enough money to include guests, so that can't be why he asked me not to invite them.

If they don't want to attend, that's fine, but at least they'll have the option. What do you think? -- BRIDE-TO-BE

DEAR B-T-B: Ask your fiance for a list of the guests he wants invited to the wedding -- and respect his wishes. He knows his bosses better than you do. If they receive an invitation, they may regard it as a bid for a gift. Don't do it.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I frequently attend concerts, the opera or the theater with another couple. Typically, the two women sit together in the center, with the husbands flanking either side. The result is that the women have an opportunity to chat with each other or with one of the men, but it's not easy for the men to converse.

Is there a proper seating arrangement for a foursome in this situation? Or do only the women get to talk with each other? -- GENERALLY SILENT

DEAR SILENT: If you feel you're missing something because you are seated on the outside, consider switching seats at intermission. However, please be aware that it's the height of rudeness to carry on a conversation during a concert, an opera, a play or a movie.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I need help! My mother died when I was a little girl. Then Dad remarried. My grandma and aunt always ask if they can spend time with me. My dad always says no. And the only time I get to see them is at my birthday party. I miss them so much. What do I do? -- SAD GIRL IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SAD GIRL: You let your grandmother and aunt know that you love them and think about them, even though you cannot see them as often as you would like. If they have computers, you can e-mail them. If they don't, you can create original greeting cards and send them. It's sad that your father feels the way he does, but you can still reach out to your maternal relatives during your time apart.

DEAR ABBY: We all hear that it's hard work maintaining a good marriage or parenting an adolescent. However, really small but loving gestures often have the most impact.

My college roommate's father is a wonderful example of that. Every night at the dinner table, he thanks his wife for the meal she just served. And every night at bedtime, he kisses the back of his daughter's hand and tells her that he loves her.

Is it any wonder that their family doesn't complain of feeling unappreciated or unloved? I feel privileged to be a part of their "second family." -- PRIVILEGED IN BALTIMORE

DEAR PRIVILEGED: The gestures you have described are not "small." They are important messages that spouses and children need to hear. Yes, actions speak louder than words -- and expressions of affection and gratitude do no one any good if they're hoarded.

DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing "Ted" for a year. He was married for 33 years and has been divorced for four. Ted told me he loves me and wants to marry me, but because he's an honest man, he has also told me he still loves his ex-wife and would go back to her if she would have him.

Ted has grown children, and when there are family celebrations -- birthdays, weddings, etc. -- he expects me to attend with him. His ex comes to these affairs, and I feel like I'm being used as a buffer to help him handle the pain of being around her. I told Ted I'd feel far more comfortable at these family functions if his ex would bring an escort. His reply: "I don't think I could handle that." Other than that, we have an excellent relationship.

Abby, I lived with an alcoholic for 25 years. I have had enough grief to last a lifetime. Besides, I'm really not interested in marriage. I have discussed this with my daughter. She said, "Write to Dear Abby, and see what she has to say." -- HURTING IN OHIO

DEAR HURTING: If the relationship was "excellent," you would not have signed your letter "Hurting in Ohio." Ask yourself why you are allowing a man who is still in love with his ex-wife to put you in uncomfortable situations. Then ask yourself why you endure feeling used. Once you have the answers to those questions, you can decide whether you want more of the same, or would prefer to look for a man who is emotionally available.

CONFIDENTIAL TO FRUSTRATED FUND-RAISER: Don't blame yourself; when it comes to giving to charity, some people stop at nothing -- and others give nothing.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I work as a teacher's aide at a private religious elementary school. You would think the children here would be better mannered than most; however, I haven't found that to be true.

Rarely do I ever hear a "please" or "thank you." The other teachers and I politely remind the students to say both "please" and "thank you," but the lesson never seems to sink in. The children tell us their parents don't require such things at home, so they shouldn't have to say "please" and "thank you" or even "excuse me" at school. We have talked to these parents, and they side with their children. What else can we do? -- STUNNED IN SACRAMENTO

DEAR STUNNED: What else can you do? Talk to the children in terms of their own self-interest. Tell them that words like "please," "thank you" and "excuse me" are magic words with great power. People who hear them are far more inclined to accommodate the person who uses these words than someone who doesn't.

Parents who fail to teach their children basic good manners do their children a grave disservice, because good manners and respect for others are essential for success.

DEAR ABBY: My sister and her family live in the Southwest. I live in North Carolina. Ever since their children were born, I have sent them money for birthdays and for the holidays. My husband and I were not blessed with children of our own. The adults in the family exchange cards, but not gifts.

We have decided that when the nieces and nephews reach the age of 18, we would like to stop sending them money. We are not terribly close, but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. My nephew will soon be 18. Any suggestions? -- AUNT MOLLY

DEAR AUNT MOLLY: It is not uncommon to stop sending gifts when younger relatives reach adulthood. Look at it this way: Gift-giving puts a burden on young people, too, because they often can't afford to reciprocate, or they aren't particularly close to the sender.

Send your nephew a nice card for his birthday. And at holiday time, send one gift -- such as fruit or flowers -- for the entire family to enjoy.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old woman who wants very much to get married. I have been dating a wonderful man who wants to marry me. I'll call him "Byron." Byron is intelligent, kind, generous, comes from the same background I do, and shares my values. In short, he is absolutely everything I have ever dreamed of in a husband. He's not bad-looking, either.

The only problem is I feel very little physical attraction to him. It is not Byron's fault; the chemistry just isn't really there.

I am very confused. Part of me reasons that physical passion tends to fade over the years anyway, and I would be crazy to pass up a man who has so much else to offer. Another part of me feels that I'm not really in love with Byron, so it would be a mistake to marry him.

What should I do? Please hurry your reply -- he is waiting for an answer. -- CONFUSED IN CAMBRIDGE, MASS.

DEAR CONFUSED: Before you discard a man who has all of the attributes you describe, I suggest you ask him to wait just a little longer. You could benefit greatly by talking this out with a counselor who, in a nonjudgmental and unbiased way, can help you to organize your priorities.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)