DEAR ABBY: I need help! My mother died when I was a little girl. Then Dad remarried. My grandma and aunt always ask if they can spend time with me. My dad always says no. And the only time I get to see them is at my birthday party. I miss them so much. What do I do? -- SAD GIRL IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SAD GIRL: You let your grandmother and aunt know that you love them and think about them, even though you cannot see them as often as you would like. If they have computers, you can e-mail them. If they don't, you can create original greeting cards and send them. It's sad that your father feels the way he does, but you can still reach out to your maternal relatives during your time apart.

DEAR ABBY: We all hear that it's hard work maintaining a good marriage or parenting an adolescent. However, really small but loving gestures often have the most impact.

My college roommate's father is a wonderful example of that. Every night at the dinner table, he thanks his wife for the meal she just served. And every night at bedtime, he kisses the back of his daughter's hand and tells her that he loves her.

Is it any wonder that their family doesn't complain of feeling unappreciated or unloved? I feel privileged to be a part of their "second family." -- PRIVILEGED IN BALTIMORE

DEAR PRIVILEGED: The gestures you have described are not "small." They are important messages that spouses and children need to hear. Yes, actions speak louder than words -- and expressions of affection and gratitude do no one any good if they're hoarded.

DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing "Ted" for a year. He was married for 33 years and has been divorced for four. Ted told me he loves me and wants to marry me, but because he's an honest man, he has also told me he still loves his ex-wife and would go back to her if she would have him.

Ted has grown children, and when there are family celebrations -- birthdays, weddings, etc. -- he expects me to attend with him. His ex comes to these affairs, and I feel like I'm being used as a buffer to help him handle the pain of being around her. I told Ted I'd feel far more comfortable at these family functions if his ex would bring an escort. His reply: "I don't think I could handle that." Other than that, we have an excellent relationship.

Abby, I lived with an alcoholic for 25 years. I have had enough grief to last a lifetime. Besides, I'm really not interested in marriage. I have discussed this with my daughter. She said, "Write to Dear Abby, and see what she has to say." -- HURTING IN OHIO

DEAR HURTING: If the relationship was "excellent," you would not have signed your letter "Hurting in Ohio." Ask yourself why you are allowing a man who is still in love with his ex-wife to put you in uncomfortable situations. Then ask yourself why you endure feeling used. Once you have the answers to those questions, you can decide whether you want more of the same, or would prefer to look for a man who is emotionally available.

CONFIDENTIAL TO FRUSTRATED FUND-RAISER: Don't blame yourself; when it comes to giving to charity, some people stop at nothing -- and others give nothing.

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DEAR ABBY: I work as a teacher's aide at a private religious elementary school. You would think the children here would be better mannered than most; however, I haven't found that to be true.

Rarely do I ever hear a "please" or "thank you." The other teachers and I politely remind the students to say both "please" and "thank you," but the lesson never seems to sink in. The children tell us their parents don't require such things at home, so they shouldn't have to say "please" and "thank you" or even "excuse me" at school. We have talked to these parents, and they side with their children. What else can we do? -- STUNNED IN SACRAMENTO

DEAR STUNNED: What else can you do? Talk to the children in terms of their own self-interest. Tell them that words like "please," "thank you" and "excuse me" are magic words with great power. People who hear them are far more inclined to accommodate the person who uses these words than someone who doesn't.

Parents who fail to teach their children basic good manners do their children a grave disservice, because good manners and respect for others are essential for success.

DEAR ABBY: My sister and her family live in the Southwest. I live in North Carolina. Ever since their children were born, I have sent them money for birthdays and for the holidays. My husband and I were not blessed with children of our own. The adults in the family exchange cards, but not gifts.

We have decided that when the nieces and nephews reach the age of 18, we would like to stop sending them money. We are not terribly close, but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. My nephew will soon be 18. Any suggestions? -- AUNT MOLLY

DEAR AUNT MOLLY: It is not uncommon to stop sending gifts when younger relatives reach adulthood. Look at it this way: Gift-giving puts a burden on young people, too, because they often can't afford to reciprocate, or they aren't particularly close to the sender.

Send your nephew a nice card for his birthday. And at holiday time, send one gift -- such as fruit or flowers -- for the entire family to enjoy.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old woman who wants very much to get married. I have been dating a wonderful man who wants to marry me. I'll call him "Byron." Byron is intelligent, kind, generous, comes from the same background I do, and shares my values. In short, he is absolutely everything I have ever dreamed of in a husband. He's not bad-looking, either.

The only problem is I feel very little physical attraction to him. It is not Byron's fault; the chemistry just isn't really there.

I am very confused. Part of me reasons that physical passion tends to fade over the years anyway, and I would be crazy to pass up a man who has so much else to offer. Another part of me feels that I'm not really in love with Byron, so it would be a mistake to marry him.

What should I do? Please hurry your reply -- he is waiting for an answer. -- CONFUSED IN CAMBRIDGE, MASS.

DEAR CONFUSED: Before you discard a man who has all of the attributes you describe, I suggest you ask him to wait just a little longer. You could benefit greatly by talking this out with a counselor who, in a nonjudgmental and unbiased way, can help you to organize your priorities.

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DEAR ABBY: I am 33 and married 10 years with two children, 8 and 10. I earn enough so my wife, "Jenny," doesn't have to work. My problem is Jenny, our children, my parents and all of my friends have forgotten that I exist.

I have asked Jenny and the kids hundreds of times to call me during the day, but they never do. On weekends, the only time they come near me is if they want something. When I leave for work, nobody says goodbye. When I return home, nobody even bothers to say hello.

I started keeping track. The last time my parents called to speak to me personally was almost a year ago. My mother calls and speaks to Jenny at least twice a week. When I answer the phone, all she says is, "Hi, it's your mother. Is Jenny there?" The same goes for my friends. I used to call them a couple of times a month. Then I realized they never called me, so I stopped calling. It's been a few years since I have spoken to any of them.

Last Thanksgiving, we invited our entire family of 25 to come to our house. Not one person other than Jenny struck up a conversation with me. But three weeks before Christmas, Jenny handed me a Christmas list for her, the children, her parents and all her siblings.

It has reached the point that I want to pack up and leave everyone behind and start over. I have never done anything to cause this. Please tell me what to do. -- THE INVISIBLE MAN IN ANAHEIM

DEAR MAN: What a sad situation. However, this didn't happen in a vacuum, nor did it happen overnight. Packing up and leaving will not solve your problem, but facing it and bringing it out into the open will. Please talk to your physician about your long-term depression and lack of self-esteem. Not only should you get professional counseling to help you with your personal issues, I strongly recommend family counseling for your wife, your children and your parents.

DEAR ABBY: We have a 60-year-old son who has been divorced for three years. He has four grown children and lives in another state.

Our son e-mailed us to say he wants to be buried, not cremated. He says that because we are his parents, we are responsible for his burial expenses if he should die before we do. He is not sick, Abby. He is living with a woman in her home, not working, and will soon be leaving for Russia to find a wife. He is angry with us for saying it is not our responsibility and that his children should be responsible for this. Are we right or is he? -- WORRIED PARENTS

DEAR WORRIED PARENTS: Because your son is acting like a child doesn't make him one. Since he wishes to be buried instead of cremated, he had better start saving for a cemetery plot and a casket. Your financial obligations to him ended when he became an adult four decades ago.

DEAR ABBY: My uncle died recently. He had a brother and a sister. When somebody asks me how many uncles I have, what should I say? Is it once an uncle always an uncle? What if they ask my mom? What should she say? -- UNSURE IN CANTON, GA.

DEAR UNSURE: If you're asked how many uncles you have, reply, "I have one uncle who is living, and one who is deceased." If your mother is asked how many brothers she has, she should answer that she had two brothers, but one is no longer living.

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