DEAR ABBY: I work as a teacher's aide at a private religious elementary school. You would think the children here would be better mannered than most; however, I haven't found that to be true.

Rarely do I ever hear a "please" or "thank you." The other teachers and I politely remind the students to say both "please" and "thank you," but the lesson never seems to sink in. The children tell us their parents don't require such things at home, so they shouldn't have to say "please" and "thank you" or even "excuse me" at school. We have talked to these parents, and they side with their children. What else can we do? -- STUNNED IN SACRAMENTO

DEAR STUNNED: What else can you do? Talk to the children in terms of their own self-interest. Tell them that words like "please," "thank you" and "excuse me" are magic words with great power. People who hear them are far more inclined to accommodate the person who uses these words than someone who doesn't.

Parents who fail to teach their children basic good manners do their children a grave disservice, because good manners and respect for others are essential for success.

DEAR ABBY: My sister and her family live in the Southwest. I live in North Carolina. Ever since their children were born, I have sent them money for birthdays and for the holidays. My husband and I were not blessed with children of our own. The adults in the family exchange cards, but not gifts.

We have decided that when the nieces and nephews reach the age of 18, we would like to stop sending them money. We are not terribly close, but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. My nephew will soon be 18. Any suggestions? -- AUNT MOLLY

DEAR AUNT MOLLY: It is not uncommon to stop sending gifts when younger relatives reach adulthood. Look at it this way: Gift-giving puts a burden on young people, too, because they often can't afford to reciprocate, or they aren't particularly close to the sender.

Send your nephew a nice card for his birthday. And at holiday time, send one gift -- such as fruit or flowers -- for the entire family to enjoy.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old woman who wants very much to get married. I have been dating a wonderful man who wants to marry me. I'll call him "Byron." Byron is intelligent, kind, generous, comes from the same background I do, and shares my values. In short, he is absolutely everything I have ever dreamed of in a husband. He's not bad-looking, either.

The only problem is I feel very little physical attraction to him. It is not Byron's fault; the chemistry just isn't really there.

I am very confused. Part of me reasons that physical passion tends to fade over the years anyway, and I would be crazy to pass up a man who has so much else to offer. Another part of me feels that I'm not really in love with Byron, so it would be a mistake to marry him.

What should I do? Please hurry your reply -- he is waiting for an answer. -- CONFUSED IN CAMBRIDGE, MASS.

DEAR CONFUSED: Before you discard a man who has all of the attributes you describe, I suggest you ask him to wait just a little longer. You could benefit greatly by talking this out with a counselor who, in a nonjudgmental and unbiased way, can help you to organize your priorities.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 33 and married 10 years with two children, 8 and 10. I earn enough so my wife, "Jenny," doesn't have to work. My problem is Jenny, our children, my parents and all of my friends have forgotten that I exist.

I have asked Jenny and the kids hundreds of times to call me during the day, but they never do. On weekends, the only time they come near me is if they want something. When I leave for work, nobody says goodbye. When I return home, nobody even bothers to say hello.

I started keeping track. The last time my parents called to speak to me personally was almost a year ago. My mother calls and speaks to Jenny at least twice a week. When I answer the phone, all she says is, "Hi, it's your mother. Is Jenny there?" The same goes for my friends. I used to call them a couple of times a month. Then I realized they never called me, so I stopped calling. It's been a few years since I have spoken to any of them.

Last Thanksgiving, we invited our entire family of 25 to come to our house. Not one person other than Jenny struck up a conversation with me. But three weeks before Christmas, Jenny handed me a Christmas list for her, the children, her parents and all her siblings.

It has reached the point that I want to pack up and leave everyone behind and start over. I have never done anything to cause this. Please tell me what to do. -- THE INVISIBLE MAN IN ANAHEIM

DEAR MAN: What a sad situation. However, this didn't happen in a vacuum, nor did it happen overnight. Packing up and leaving will not solve your problem, but facing it and bringing it out into the open will. Please talk to your physician about your long-term depression and lack of self-esteem. Not only should you get professional counseling to help you with your personal issues, I strongly recommend family counseling for your wife, your children and your parents.

DEAR ABBY: We have a 60-year-old son who has been divorced for three years. He has four grown children and lives in another state.

Our son e-mailed us to say he wants to be buried, not cremated. He says that because we are his parents, we are responsible for his burial expenses if he should die before we do. He is not sick, Abby. He is living with a woman in her home, not working, and will soon be leaving for Russia to find a wife. He is angry with us for saying it is not our responsibility and that his children should be responsible for this. Are we right or is he? -- WORRIED PARENTS

DEAR WORRIED PARENTS: Because your son is acting like a child doesn't make him one. Since he wishes to be buried instead of cremated, he had better start saving for a cemetery plot and a casket. Your financial obligations to him ended when he became an adult four decades ago.

DEAR ABBY: My uncle died recently. He had a brother and a sister. When somebody asks me how many uncles I have, what should I say? Is it once an uncle always an uncle? What if they ask my mom? What should she say? -- UNSURE IN CANTON, GA.

DEAR UNSURE: If you're asked how many uncles you have, reply, "I have one uncle who is living, and one who is deceased." If your mother is asked how many brothers she has, she should answer that she had two brothers, but one is no longer living.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I work for a small company with 22 longtime employees. I have been here for only seven years. During that time, I have worked my way up from being a receptionist to "Girl Friday" for the plant manager, spending almost half my day in the shop with the hourly workers. They are all good people -- family men who are very experienced in their jobs.

The chief engineer, an extremely smart man I'll call "Mr. Farley," goes out of his way to belittle these guys, making them feel incompetent and uneducated in the face of his intelligence. Several of them are threatening to quit, including a key member of personnel, who has been here since the business began 35 years ago. (Mr. Farley was hired less than a month before I was.)

I'm afraid to tell my boss what's going on, and it could mean the loss of several important employees. What should I do? -- GIRL FRIDAY IN PITTSBURGH

DEAR GIRL FRIDAY: For the good of the company, you owe it to your boss to tell him (or her) what's going on. Please don't wait. If you tell your employer now, it could avert a serious personnel problem. If it were my company, I would want to know so I could deal with it.

DEAR ABBY: I am interested in a very attractive man who works with me. I have known him for several years through my stepfather. Every time I am around this man I feel like a schoolgirl.

Two weeks ago, I gave him a letter telling him how I felt. I couldn't say it face-to-face because he makes me nervous, and I was afraid I'd sound like a fool. He still hasn't responded.

I asked him to keep it just between us, but at work I feel people are looking at me with knowing eyes. It also seems like he is dodging me. I asked a friend for advice. She told me he does like me, but he wants to show respect for the family. Also, he is not into monogamous relationships.

Why hasn't he called me? Shouldn't he have the decency to let me know what's going on? I am very hurt. I haven't spoken to him for two weeks, waiting for his response. Should I leave it as it is and wait for him to come around, or try to talk to him? I really like him and respect his space. What should I do? -- TORMENTED IN BROOKLYN

DEAR TORMENTED: Although I don't know your co-worker, I would guess that he hasn't called or responded to your letter because it embarrassed him. He may like you, but not in the way that you like him. Your situation is a perfect illustration of why office romances are so risky. If they don't work out, the embarrassment and tension can be disruptive.

Rather than pushing him, leave things as they are. You have already done enough. And put the idea that everyone knows out of your mind, because unless the object of your affection is a complete heel, I'm sure your secret is safe with him.

DEAR ABBY: What do you think about a 60-year-old man walking into his 20-year-old stepdaughter's room without knocking when the door is closed? This has upset my daughter so much that she has refused to stay at home when she's in town for college break.

When I tell my husband that my daughter and I think his behavior is unacceptable, he becomes angry and denies doing it. But I know for a fact that he has done it -- I have a friend who witnessed it. -- FRUSTRATED IN S.C.

DEAR FRUSTRATED: It appears that your husband has a problem with boundaries and an unhealthy interest in your daughter. Furthermore, if he "peeks" at her, it makes me wonder if she's the only young woman he's trying to get a look at. You may be married to a Peeping Tom, someone who needs professional help.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)