DEAR ABBY: My husband, a middle-aged minister, can rarely perform in the bedroom without wearing women's lingerie. I have put up with it because he seems to need it.

Lately he has begun wearing a bra around the house every day. He tries to hide it by wearing a heavy shirt or coat, but I can feel it when I hug him before leaving for work. I suspect he's even worn it to church. What would the parishioners think if they knew their preacher was delivering his sermon while wearing a bra?

It's starting to affect our marriage. He rarely speaks to me lately, and when he does, it's usually in monosyllables. I know he's not gay. Until now, our marriage has been a happy one.

I know many men have this problem. Maybe it shouldn't bother me so much, but it does. I don't know who to talk to. Everybody else takes their problems to their minister, but my husband IS one. If I go to his superiors, I'm afraid I'll get him into trouble, which I don't want to do.

Why do men wear women's clothes? Is it wrong? I appreciate any insight you can give me. -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN THE SOUTHWEST

DEAR NEEDS: Men wear women's clothes for a variety of reasons. For some it's a sexual fetish; others do it because they say it calms them and relieves stress. It isn't "wrong," but it is different. Some wives go along with it and help their husbands to cross-dress. Others have a difficult time adjusting to it.

This is not something that should be discussed with your husband's superiors. More important than talking to anybody right now is for you to learn all you can about transvestism and cross-dressing. An excellent place to start would be to contact The Society for the Second Self, Tri-Ess National, P.O. Box 980638, Houston, TX 77098-0638. Write to the society or visit its Web site: http://tri-ess.org.

DEAR ABBY: I am 14 and hope you can help me. My parents have been married for, I think, 14 years -- but they have been together as a couple for 15.

During the last four years all they have done is argue. It has gotten so bad I have had to call the police to take my dad away. The main reason they fight is because of my dad's drinking. The last time they got into a fight, Dad got in trouble because of what he did. Now he has to go to counseling about the alcohol. Hopefully, that will help, but they still argue about small things.

I need help because my grades have been dropping, and I think one of the reasons may be the stuff that's going on with my parents. I don't know how to tell my mom that's the problem, because I'm afraid she'll think I'm making excuses. Please help me. -- DEEPLY FRUSTRATED, CORTLAND, N.Y.

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Explain your problem to a trusted teacher, counselor or administrator at school. An educator can not only explain to your parents what's causing your problem, but also see that you get the help you need to improve your grades. In addition to coaching, you will need a quiet, conflict-free zone in which to study. If no place is available at school, the home of a friend or a public library might be more conducive to concentration.

Sadly, many young people are affected by their parents' drinking. Support is available from Alateen, which has groups everywhere. (Their literature is available in 30 languages.) Visit the Web site at www.al-anon.alateen.org. Please don't wait. You will find that you are not alone.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible to marry someone for love and have it turn to what feels like hate over nothing? (I mean, I can't think of one "big" thing that has gone bad.)

My 11-year marriage is about to end because of -- get this -- nothing! We have three wonderful kids, 3, 6 and 9. I'd do anything for them, which is why I'm still here.

Abby, when I wake up in the morning, it is without a "good morning." When I enter a room from shopping, etc., the reaction I get from my husband is not a "hello," but a sneer, and I'm not exaggerating. He says "goodnight" only if I say it first.

I take care of the bills, the kids and the house. I also work outside the home. I never get any acknowledgment for anything I do. There is a lot of tension all day long. (You should try walking around the house with him.) I am ready to do something -- but I don't know what. I know the first step is talking, and I have tried. His usual response is, "I'm acting this way because you did it first!"

Am I wrong to want a sincere smile and someone who likes me and is happy at least some of the time? (Oh, he is a wonderful person to everyone else.) I feel really hated and he won't tell me why. What now? -- SUFFERING IN WASHINGTON

DEAR SUFFERING: You are not suffering because of "nothing." You are under full-scale assault by your passive-aggressive spouse. His refusal to discuss what's wrong ensures that whatever it is, it cannot be fixed. Please do not continue to tolerate it, because your children will notice, if they haven't already, and mistake what's going on for "normal."

For your sake and for theirs, copy all of the financial records and property records you can locate. Make sure no assets can be hidden. Then offer your husband a choice: marriage counseling or a divorce lawyer. You have suffered enough.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old girl who has a third-degree black belt. When I was 14, I had a boyfriend who was very abusive both physically and verbally. Back then, I didn't know how to handle him -- even though I was a first-degree. He drilled into my head that I was ugly, fat, and good enough only for him.

I finally broke it off, and I have found a great guy who I love a lot. My problem is, even though he says I'm beautiful, I don't believe him. And that makes him sad. I haven't believed any of the guys that told me I'm pretty. I know it's because of my abusive ex.

How do I make myself believe that I'm pretty and finally make my new boyfriend happy? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN FLORIDA

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: Perhaps understanding your ex-boyfriend's behavior will help. Abusers -- and that is what he was -- use criticism and insults to chip away at the self-esteem of their victims and make them incapable of leaving. You nailed it in your letter when you said, "... and good enough only for him."

The reason you have trouble believing you're attractive is that you're still feeling the effects of the psychological poison he spread. It has nothing to do with reality. If you weren't attractive, the abuser wouldn't have wanted you. Remind yourself of it every time you put yourself down. If that doesn't work, you may need counseling.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I recently graduated with a master's degree in counseling psychology. I have worked in the mental health field since I was 22. I am now 28. I have always somewhat enjoyed my work and was sure that once I furthered my education, the jobs would become more challenging and enjoyable. However, while doing my internship for this degree, I began to realize I don't truly enjoy working with people.

I have sought therapy for the past two years, but never seem to be able to figure out what I really want to do with my life. I'm scared that I lack the compassion to be a therapist, but the guilt that goes along with accepting this notion is enormous -- especially since my husband and I moved to a new city just for me to get my degree.

I am working as a therapist and am very unhappy in my job. I would even go so far as to say that I dislike the clients with whom I am working. Part of me feels it is my ethical obligation to leave this job before I inadvertently hurt someone, but another part of me is scared to try something new because I have school loans and other living expenses to pay. Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated. -- UNHAPPY THERAPIST IN COLORADO

DEAR UNHAPPY: You have written a very frank letter. It is time to stop beating yourself up and to consider what your other options are. Your resentment of your patients could be early career burnout, or have more to do with your frustration about yourself than anything to do with them. Whatever is at the root of it, you'll be doing them -- and yourself -- a favor if you take a break from counseling for a while.

Many universities offer career counseling and aptitude testing; check with your own. Alternatively, go to the public library to research trade publications and newspapers, and discover how you can apply the skills you have learned to fields other than counseling. Don't be afraid to think outside the box. Whether the change is temporary or permanent, it'll help you to center yourself again regarding how you should contribute to society.

DEAR ABBY: I have a new friend I'll call April. We have a lot in common and have been spending more and more time together. However, every once in a while she'll insult me. It's usually an offhand comment, and fairly out of context. For example, the other night we were talking about our old teenage boyfriends, agreeing about how silly we were -- and she said, "You're pathetic."

I never get to address these insults because she quickly changes the subject and acts very casual about it. I have tried bringing the subject back up, but she sort of zones out, and changes the subject again.

I have some wonderful, long-term friends, and it has been a long time since I have tried to make new ones. Am I overreacting? I'm tempted to just walk away, but I don't want to be too picky and not give someone a chance. -- OUT OF PRACTICE IN COLORADO

DEAR OUT OF PRACTICE: It isn't being too picky to tell this new "friend" that when she calls you pathetic, she's hurting your feelings. It's the truth. I don't know if April is new to Colorado, but this might be a slang expression from where she comes from, like "Shut UP!" If it's not the case, I recommend that you chose a more supportive friend to spend time with.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)