DEAR ABBY: Is it possible to marry someone for love and have it turn to what feels like hate over nothing? (I mean, I can't think of one "big" thing that has gone bad.)

My 11-year marriage is about to end because of -- get this -- nothing! We have three wonderful kids, 3, 6 and 9. I'd do anything for them, which is why I'm still here.

Abby, when I wake up in the morning, it is without a "good morning." When I enter a room from shopping, etc., the reaction I get from my husband is not a "hello," but a sneer, and I'm not exaggerating. He says "goodnight" only if I say it first.

I take care of the bills, the kids and the house. I also work outside the home. I never get any acknowledgment for anything I do. There is a lot of tension all day long. (You should try walking around the house with him.) I am ready to do something -- but I don't know what. I know the first step is talking, and I have tried. His usual response is, "I'm acting this way because you did it first!"

Am I wrong to want a sincere smile and someone who likes me and is happy at least some of the time? (Oh, he is a wonderful person to everyone else.) I feel really hated and he won't tell me why. What now? -- SUFFERING IN WASHINGTON

DEAR SUFFERING: You are not suffering because of "nothing." You are under full-scale assault by your passive-aggressive spouse. His refusal to discuss what's wrong ensures that whatever it is, it cannot be fixed. Please do not continue to tolerate it, because your children will notice, if they haven't already, and mistake what's going on for "normal."

For your sake and for theirs, copy all of the financial records and property records you can locate. Make sure no assets can be hidden. Then offer your husband a choice: marriage counseling or a divorce lawyer. You have suffered enough.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old girl who has a third-degree black belt. When I was 14, I had a boyfriend who was very abusive both physically and verbally. Back then, I didn't know how to handle him -- even though I was a first-degree. He drilled into my head that I was ugly, fat, and good enough only for him.

I finally broke it off, and I have found a great guy who I love a lot. My problem is, even though he says I'm beautiful, I don't believe him. And that makes him sad. I haven't believed any of the guys that told me I'm pretty. I know it's because of my abusive ex.

How do I make myself believe that I'm pretty and finally make my new boyfriend happy? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN FLORIDA

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: Perhaps understanding your ex-boyfriend's behavior will help. Abusers -- and that is what he was -- use criticism and insults to chip away at the self-esteem of their victims and make them incapable of leaving. You nailed it in your letter when you said, "... and good enough only for him."

The reason you have trouble believing you're attractive is that you're still feeling the effects of the psychological poison he spread. It has nothing to do with reality. If you weren't attractive, the abuser wouldn't have wanted you. Remind yourself of it every time you put yourself down. If that doesn't work, you may need counseling.

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DEAR ABBY: I recently graduated with a master's degree in counseling psychology. I have worked in the mental health field since I was 22. I am now 28. I have always somewhat enjoyed my work and was sure that once I furthered my education, the jobs would become more challenging and enjoyable. However, while doing my internship for this degree, I began to realize I don't truly enjoy working with people.

I have sought therapy for the past two years, but never seem to be able to figure out what I really want to do with my life. I'm scared that I lack the compassion to be a therapist, but the guilt that goes along with accepting this notion is enormous -- especially since my husband and I moved to a new city just for me to get my degree.

I am working as a therapist and am very unhappy in my job. I would even go so far as to say that I dislike the clients with whom I am working. Part of me feels it is my ethical obligation to leave this job before I inadvertently hurt someone, but another part of me is scared to try something new because I have school loans and other living expenses to pay. Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated. -- UNHAPPY THERAPIST IN COLORADO

DEAR UNHAPPY: You have written a very frank letter. It is time to stop beating yourself up and to consider what your other options are. Your resentment of your patients could be early career burnout, or have more to do with your frustration about yourself than anything to do with them. Whatever is at the root of it, you'll be doing them -- and yourself -- a favor if you take a break from counseling for a while.

Many universities offer career counseling and aptitude testing; check with your own. Alternatively, go to the public library to research trade publications and newspapers, and discover how you can apply the skills you have learned to fields other than counseling. Don't be afraid to think outside the box. Whether the change is temporary or permanent, it'll help you to center yourself again regarding how you should contribute to society.

DEAR ABBY: I have a new friend I'll call April. We have a lot in common and have been spending more and more time together. However, every once in a while she'll insult me. It's usually an offhand comment, and fairly out of context. For example, the other night we were talking about our old teenage boyfriends, agreeing about how silly we were -- and she said, "You're pathetic."

I never get to address these insults because she quickly changes the subject and acts very casual about it. I have tried bringing the subject back up, but she sort of zones out, and changes the subject again.

I have some wonderful, long-term friends, and it has been a long time since I have tried to make new ones. Am I overreacting? I'm tempted to just walk away, but I don't want to be too picky and not give someone a chance. -- OUT OF PRACTICE IN COLORADO

DEAR OUT OF PRACTICE: It isn't being too picky to tell this new "friend" that when she calls you pathetic, she's hurting your feelings. It's the truth. I don't know if April is new to Colorado, but this might be a slang expression from where she comes from, like "Shut UP!" If it's not the case, I recommend that you chose a more supportive friend to spend time with.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I love the occasional "how we met" stories in your column, and would like to share mine. "Blake" lived in the apartment below me during college. His roommates and mine would often get together casually. One night, after work, Blake announced that he had to pick up his sister from the airport. "Would anyone like to ride along and keep me awake?" he asked.

I had nothing better to do, so I volunteered. During the drive, Blake pulled out a two-carat diamond ring and said, "I know I don't know you very well, but ..." He was grinning from ear to ear, and I was hugging the door handle wondering, "Is this guy for real?" When he saw my reaction, he started laughing and apologized. The ring belonged to his sister. She was returning from her honeymoon and had asked him to keep it so it wouldn't be lost.

I'm quick-witted, so I got back at him when we reached the airport. I went first through the security checkpoint. (Those were the days when you could wait at the gate for your passenger to get off the plane.) When Blake passed through the metal detector, of course it "beeped" and he had to empty his pockets. As soon as he put the ring box on the tray, I started jumping up and down, saying loudly, "Oh, honey. Yes! Yes!" Then I threw my arms around his neck and gave him a huge hug. People around us began clapping and Blake was so embarrassed! Twenty minutes later people were still pointing and whispering about the guy who had just proposed.

From that night on, we knew we'd end up together. We're two practical jokers who still make each other laugh after 12 years and four children. -- KATE IN IDAHO FALLS

DEAR KATE: I'm not surprised. A sense of humor can make even the most trying times easier to bear. I'm pleased your romance is still in the clouds so many years after it took off at the airport. May it ever be thus.

DEAR Abby: I'm a 43-year-old woman with a college degree and a highly technical job. I'm preparing to buy a large piece of land on which I plan to build my dream home. Because I am under 5 feet tall, I'll be having my home custom-built for my comfort, with the countertops and shelves lowered a few inches.

This drives my 63-year-old mother out of her skull, even though the house itself will be normal-sized and perfectly comfortable for even the tallest visitor. It's just that I have spent my entire life standing on my toes or a stepladder to reach anything higher than the first shelf in the cupboards. If I need to use the back burners on a stove, I suffer burns when I reach over the front burners. I use long barbecue tongs to reach items above the second shelf in the cupboard, and sometimes the tongs knock things off the shelf and onto my head.

Mother has been ridiculing me in a cruel manner lately about my height, implying that I can make myself taller if I really want to. My height never angered my mother before I started planning the house. Can you give me a clue about why she wants me to go "into the closet" with my height? -- PAULA IN TUCSON

DEAR PAULA: Your mother may be concerned that your home will be so uniquely customized that it could adversely affect its resale value. Since the house is still in the planning stages, I have a suggestion: Talk to your architect about making the counters and shelves in your home adjustable, so they can be raised and lowered at will. This is done for people with disabilities such as those in wheelchairs, and it could be helpful for you, too.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY CHRISTIAN READERS: A happy Easter to all of you!

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)