DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Pamela," constantly steals things that belong to me. It can be anything from underwear to jewelry. When I catch her wearing whatever she "borrowed," the belongings go missing. Pamela then claims that she returned them. I have to beg, cry, and finally search her room and car to find them. Most of the time they'll be ruined.

This is causing a great strain on my life and our relationship. It has reached the point that I have told my sister I no longer want anything to do with her because she's deceitful, hurtful and selfish. I honestly think she has some sort of OCD or does it for the thrill.

Oh, we are not teenagers. I am 26 and Pamela is 24. We are both adults with master's degrees and full-time jobs. -- FED UP IN QUEBEC

DEAR FED UP: Excuse me, but how is Pamela able to take possession of your property? If you're living under the same roof, have a deadbolt lock installed on your bedroom door and use it while you're out. If not, have your dwelling re-keyed. Your sister cannot steal and destroy that to which she doesn't have access.

DEAR ABBY: I grew up with a friend I'll call "Muffy." Muffy was raised in a rich, sheltered environment. Her mother did everything for her. She never taught her daughter how to wash dishes, do laundry, clean house, etc. I, too, waited on Muffy. As a child, I thought I was supposed to take care of her.

Muffy is now an adult, a recluse with few friends. She still lives with her mother, even though she has a job and could move out on her own. Muffy is a nice woman. My problem is that her mother expected us to be best friends throughout our lives. She and Muffy can't seem to understand that I have a husband, a son, and other responsibilities that include work.

My mother and Muffy's mother are best friends, and Mom often comments to me that I should remain friends with Muffy. It seems Muffy's mother won't let the subject drop.

I think they both need to get on with their lives and Muffy should be free to make new friends. In the end, she is the one who has been hurt by not learning how to live independently and take care of herself. She should not be a prisoner of her childhood. -- INDEPENDENT IN KANSAS

DEAR INDEPENDENT: I get the feeling that you somehow resent your childhood friend, and that's sad. Not only did Muffy's mother encourage her daughter's physical dependence, it appears she nurtured her daughter's emotional dependence as well.

I agree that Muffy "should" learn to live independently, and "should" be free to make new friends. However, at this point in her life she may not have the tools to do either. It would be a kindness to encourage her to get professional help so she can figure out where her mother ends and she begins. Only then will your childhood friend be able to truly get on with her life.

DEAR ABBY: What do you think of men in kilts? I want to buy and try one. My wife is undecided, but trusts your judgment. Your thoughts, please? -- GRANDSON OF SCOTLAND

DEAR GRANDSON: As a person of proud Scottish descent, you are entitled to wear a kilt if you wish, but please refrain from doing high kicks on the dance floor.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My mother is 80 and still lives by herself. She has had three strokes in the last two years, and her memory is very bad. She is also very stubborn and belligerent. She really belongs in an assisted-living facility; however, she refuses to go to one. She says she'll kill herself first.

I manage Mama's finances. I also make her doctor's appointments, transport her there, take her to the pharmacy, the grocery store, etc. I do all Mama's driving because she can't leave the block she lives on without getting lost.

Mother depends on me for everything, and she hates my husband of 18 years, who treats us both like gold. She would never admit it, but she hates him because he's physically disabled and it keeps me from giving her all my time and attention.

Mama tries to make me feel guilty by acting like she's completely helpless. There are a lot of things she could do for herself, but she refuses. I'm always stressed out over her, on top of the load I'm carrying with my husband and daughter. Have you any suggestions? -- STRESSED TO THE MAX IN TULSA

DEAR STRESSED: You are a conscientious, dutiful daughter. However, people can spread themselves only so thin without it beginning to affect their health.

If your mother's reasoning had not been already affected by strokes and dementia, she would realize that fact. The time has come to call her doctor and discuss what alternatives might be available in caring for her. Assisted living would be ideal, but only if she could adjust to it. If it would be too traumatic, perhaps a part-time caregiver could be hired through senior services in your community.

DEAR ABBY: I was in a serious car accident back in 1986 and have been living with the facial scars ever since. I hate the way I look and would like to see if a doctor can improve my appearance. The problem is, my husband doesn't want me to talk to a doctor.

Yes, I had the scars when I met my husband 15 years ago. I have lived with the deformities for a very long time. But not a day goes by that I don't think about how I could look if I had surgery to improve my appearance.

I don't know if my insurance would cover the costs of surgery, but when it comes to my husband "needing" a boat, Jeep or snowmobile –- or whatever suits his fancy at the time -- money is never a problem.

I have money from the car accident, and if there were any costs for the surgery, it wouldn't have to come out of my husband's paycheck. I cannot express to you how bad I feel about myself, but my husband does know. Do you think I should see a doctor to find out if surgery is an option for me, or should I just accept the way I am and not think about improving my appearance? -- SCARRED AND CONFUSED IN PHILADELPHIA

DEAR SCARRED: By all means consult a plastic surgeon. You deserve to be the best that you can be. However, when you do, please understand that it could change the dynamics of your relationship with your husband. It appears that he has a vested interest in keeping you just as you are, and the reason may be that he is afraid he will lose you if you look different. Some sessions with a marriage counselor might put his fears to rest. Much depends upon his own level of self-esteem.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm 19, and last month I moved in with my boyfriend of five years. Ever since we got settled in our new home, he has invited his friends over on a daily basis. It's not just one or two, Abby; he has six to nine people stopping by every day to hang out, watch movies and even eat dinner with us.

I have tried expressing to him that I'd like to be asked before these people are invited. He'll comply occasionally, but most of the time I come home and find three people lounging in our living room like they own the place. His response when I get upset is, "I pay half the rent. Can't I have my friends over?"

There are nights when I want to come home, put my feet up, and read a book in peace and quiet, or better yet, spend time just with him. How can I communicate this without making him defensive? -- CROWDED OUT IN MINNESOTA

DEAR CROWDED: There is a secret to successful cohabitation. It's called compromise. Consideration for the other person's feelings is also helpful. Before inviting friends to come and hang out, or share a meal, your boyfriend should call and ask if that's OK with you. That's what partners do to keep peace under their roof. Please clip this and show it to your boyfriend. It's not a question of all or nothing; it's simply common courtesy.

DEAR ABBY: My beloved mother died the first week of February. Four hours after she drew her last breath, at a lunch following our visit to the mortuary to make burial arrangements, her "friend" of more than 40 years, "Marilyn," began asking me to give her items from my mother's home.

I agreed to let her have two chairs at some time in the future. Within two days after my return home (I live in a neighboring state), Marilyn and her husband entered Mother's home and removed two carloads of furniture -– not including the two chairs. They took photographs and personal items belonging to my mother, some of which were removed from her bedroom.

I insisted they return what they took, which they claim they did, but I'll always wonder whether they returned everything. Should I report the theft to the authorities or to the other family members? Should I demand an accounting from the so-called friends? -- ANGRY AND HEARTSICK IN SUN CITY

DEAR ANGRY AND HEARTSICK: By all means disclose what happened not only to your other family members, but also to your mother's lawyer and the police. The lawyer can demand the accounting, and the police can make sure that all the items were indeed returned.

DEAR ABBY: My question is a simple one. Which way should a woman wear her engagement and wedding ring set? I wear mine so the wedding band is inside and the engagement ring is outside. My friend wears hers the opposite way. Which is correct? -- NEEDS TO KNOW, CLOVIS, N.M.

DEAR NEEDS: The wedding band should be worn closest to the heart, and the engagement ring should be placed as a "guard" on the outside.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)