DEAR ABBY: Every holiday or special occasion that's celebrated in our home involves a certain amount of "horseplay" between the men -- my two adult stepsons and stepsons-in-law. Their ages range from 38 to 40.

When these supposed grown-ups come to visit, open gifts, etc., they wind up wrestling in our living room. The base of one of my lamps has been chipped, and once, my granddaughter (then 10) was pushed into a glass table and her back was scraped through her shirt.

I have asked them nicely to stop or to go downstairs, and this year I asked them to take it outside. They'll quit for a while, but act like I'm ruining their fun by telling them to stop. My husband refuses to say anything to them about it. He says it's a small price to pay because they are otherwise helpful, considerate and caring individuals, which is true.

I should add that alcohol is involved, but to remove it is not an option. It would create huge problems between my husband and me if I suggested it. I struggle between guilt for being upset, and frustration because I'm afraid someone will get hurt or my furniture will be broken. Any suggestions? -- NOT AMUSED IN WASHINGTON

DEAR NOT AMUSED: You're afraid someone will be hurt? Someone WAS hurt -- your granddaughter! If that wasn't a wake-up call for those literally "high"-spirited, overgrown adolescents, it will never happen. At the very least, the "boys" should pay to repair or replace any items they have damaged.

Alcohol isn't "involved"; alcohol is the problem. It appears to have lowered the very inhibitions your stepsons and stepsons-in-law need to maintain in order to behave like civilized adults. Until the issue is brought out into the open in your family, your problem will continue.

DEAR ABBY: I invite my best friend, "Lara," out for lunch about twice a month, so we can sit down and catch up on our lives in person. I look forward to it, and consider it female bonding time. Because Lara currently has a low-paying job, I foot the bill for these outings. I don't mind doing it because I enjoy her company.

Lara's husband, "Nicky," is out of work, and frankly, he's not looking very hard to find another one. (Most of his unemployment checks are spent on movies, video games, etc.) My problem is that Lara usually asks me if Nicky can come along with her to lunch. I always say yes because I don't know how to say no without offending her.

This leads to another problem. My budget only allows for a certain amount of fun stuff. Paying for Nicky drains my budget pretty quickly. He invariably orders the most expensive items on the menu, and a $30 luncheon becomes a $50 or $60 tab.

Is there a nice way of telling Lara that her husband's presence interferes with my one-on-one time with her without offending her or embarrassing me? -- FRUSTRATED IN RAINY CALIFORNIA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: I think you've put it very well in your letter. Her husband's presence restricts the kind of conversation you'd prefer to have with her, and the expense is busting your budget. That's neither offensive nor should it be embarrassing. It's the truth.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My 25-year-old son, "Mitch," and his live-in girlfriend, "Mimi," just became engaged, and I'm really worried. They met in college, where Mimi admits she went to "get her MRS."

When Mitch took a job in another state and started working on his graduate degree, Mimi tagged along. At first she had her own apartment. But since she "couldn't afford" a car, Mitch drove her to and from work every day. Then she got a job where he worked, and they began having lunch together every day to the exclusion of co-workers.

Two years later, Mimi still has no car of her own in a state where cars are a necessity. In addition, she's "just so tired" after her "long" 7 1/2-hour day that she "just can't manage to cook," so they either go out or Mitch does the cooking, too.

Abby, my son is lean, outgoing, into sports and martial arts. Mimi is obese and lethargic. She constantly complains about her aches and pains and other people. She has no hobbies and spends every night watching television.

I'm afraid this is somehow my fault. Mitch's mother was "high maintenance." I modeled caretaking for him in his early years when she and I were married -- we have been divorced for more than 10 years -- but never to this extent. Now Mimi has announced she needs surgery and pain-killers because she's got a bad back, and "exercise doesn't work." (How could it? She'd have to actually move!)

I'm desperate to have a father-son talk about the path Mitch seems to be heading down, but I also know I risk alienating him, maybe permanently. Should I keep my mouth shut, or what? -- PANICKED POP IN PAWTUCKET

DEAR PANICKED POP: Talk to your son, but make absolutely sure that when you do, it is not perceived as an attack on his fiancee. Instead, discuss the mistakes you made during your marriage to Mitch's mother, which fostered her dependence on you -- and which Mitch seems to be mirroring with Mimi. However, do it with a light touch, and with none of the contempt for her that you have displayed in your letter -- or it could, indeed, negatively affect your relationship with your son.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY IRISH READERS: This Irish prayer was sent by a reader in Massachusetts. In honor of St. Patrick's Day, I'm sharing it with you:

Take time to work,

It is the price of success.

Take time to think,

It is the source of power.

Take time to play,

It is the secret of perpetual youth.

Take time to read,

It is the foundation of wisdom.

Take time to be friendly,

It is the road to happiness.

Take time to love and be loved,

It is the privilege of the gods.

Take time to share,

Life is too short to be selfish.

Take time to laugh,

Laughter is the music of the soul.

DEAR ABBY: I am an operating room nurse. My soon-to-be mother-in-law recently had a procedure done that required anesthesia. When the anesthesiologist arrived to interview her before her procedure, she proceeded to ask him if he knew me. He replied that he did.

Her next question was whether he knew that I had recently had cosmetic surgery. Thankfully, he acted in a professional manner by simply saying, "Oh?" She continued the interrogation by asking him if he was aware that I had been previously engaged, and whether he thought I was a runaway bride or not.

I was flabbergasted that she had the gall to bring up such personal things with someone with whom I have a professional relationship. This is a small community where things spread like wildfire. I want to have a relationship with her, but I feel as though she kicked me in the stomach and stabbed me in the back. Is there anything I can say to make her aware of my feelings, or must I be respectful and keep my thoughts to myself? I am deeply hurt. -- APPALLED IN IOWA

DEAR APPALLED: Your fiance's mother may have been nervous at the prospect of her surgery, started babbling and couldn't stop. However, unless you want a strained relationship with your in-laws, do not "confront" her. She can't unring the bell. Now that you know she lacks judgment and leaks like a rusty bucket, in the future confide nothing to her unless you want the whole town to know.

DEAR ABBY: My son is 15 -- nearly 16. He has become a wonderful young man, a delight to be around -- but then again, I probably am biased.

When we're home and watching TV in the evening, my son often enjoys cuddling up next to me. He'll put his head on my shoulder and wants my arm around his shoulders. I, too, enjoy this very much, and when he says, "Oh, Mommy, I love you so much," as he often does, my heart melts. I should mention that he is still shorter than me, though barely. He is not the typical 15-year-old who towers over his mother.

Let me clarify a couple of things. One, he is my only child. Two, there is nothing torrid going on, no inappropriate touching by him or by me, and three, he doesn't do it when his friends are over -- although he's not afraid to hug and kiss me goodbye in front of them. Also, he loves his father very much, will hug and kiss him occasionally, and still enjoys sitting between us on the sofa, however difficult that may be on our two-person loveseat.

Until recently, I thought our closeness would help him develop into a warm, loving man; but now, I'm wondering if this is healthy for him to be doing and for me to allow. It seems like a completely natural thing to do in a loving family, but lately I've been wondering how this might affect his future relationships with women. I would hate to see him develop into a needy, clingy type of man or a mama's boy. What are your thoughts on this? -- JUST A LOVING MOM IN AUSTRALIA

DEAR LOVING MOM: Every parent should be so blessed as to have a son like yours. You have raised a loving only child who is bonded to his parents. If he doesn't start dating by the time he's 18, THEN there may be cause to worry. Otherwise, he sounds just fine to me.

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