DEAR ABBY: My 25-year-old son, "Mitch," and his live-in girlfriend, "Mimi," just became engaged, and I'm really worried. They met in college, where Mimi admits she went to "get her MRS."

When Mitch took a job in another state and started working on his graduate degree, Mimi tagged along. At first she had her own apartment. But since she "couldn't afford" a car, Mitch drove her to and from work every day. Then she got a job where he worked, and they began having lunch together every day to the exclusion of co-workers.

Two years later, Mimi still has no car of her own in a state where cars are a necessity. In addition, she's "just so tired" after her "long" 7 1/2-hour day that she "just can't manage to cook," so they either go out or Mitch does the cooking, too.

Abby, my son is lean, outgoing, into sports and martial arts. Mimi is obese and lethargic. She constantly complains about her aches and pains and other people. She has no hobbies and spends every night watching television.

I'm afraid this is somehow my fault. Mitch's mother was "high maintenance." I modeled caretaking for him in his early years when she and I were married -- we have been divorced for more than 10 years -- but never to this extent. Now Mimi has announced she needs surgery and pain-killers because she's got a bad back, and "exercise doesn't work." (How could it? She'd have to actually move!)

I'm desperate to have a father-son talk about the path Mitch seems to be heading down, but I also know I risk alienating him, maybe permanently. Should I keep my mouth shut, or what? -- PANICKED POP IN PAWTUCKET

DEAR PANICKED POP: Talk to your son, but make absolutely sure that when you do, it is not perceived as an attack on his fiancee. Instead, discuss the mistakes you made during your marriage to Mitch's mother, which fostered her dependence on you -- and which Mitch seems to be mirroring with Mimi. However, do it with a light touch, and with none of the contempt for her that you have displayed in your letter -- or it could, indeed, negatively affect your relationship with your son.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY IRISH READERS: This Irish prayer was sent by a reader in Massachusetts. In honor of St. Patrick's Day, I'm sharing it with you:

Take time to work,

It is the price of success.

Take time to think,

It is the source of power.

Take time to play,

It is the secret of perpetual youth.

Take time to read,

It is the foundation of wisdom.

Take time to be friendly,

It is the road to happiness.

Take time to love and be loved,

It is the privilege of the gods.

Take time to share,

Life is too short to be selfish.

Take time to laugh,

Laughter is the music of the soul.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am an operating room nurse. My soon-to-be mother-in-law recently had a procedure done that required anesthesia. When the anesthesiologist arrived to interview her before her procedure, she proceeded to ask him if he knew me. He replied that he did.

Her next question was whether he knew that I had recently had cosmetic surgery. Thankfully, he acted in a professional manner by simply saying, "Oh?" She continued the interrogation by asking him if he was aware that I had been previously engaged, and whether he thought I was a runaway bride or not.

I was flabbergasted that she had the gall to bring up such personal things with someone with whom I have a professional relationship. This is a small community where things spread like wildfire. I want to have a relationship with her, but I feel as though she kicked me in the stomach and stabbed me in the back. Is there anything I can say to make her aware of my feelings, or must I be respectful and keep my thoughts to myself? I am deeply hurt. -- APPALLED IN IOWA

DEAR APPALLED: Your fiance's mother may have been nervous at the prospect of her surgery, started babbling and couldn't stop. However, unless you want a strained relationship with your in-laws, do not "confront" her. She can't unring the bell. Now that you know she lacks judgment and leaks like a rusty bucket, in the future confide nothing to her unless you want the whole town to know.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: In 2000, I won full custody of my two children, a boy, 12, and a girl, "Dallas," who is now 14.

I have done everything I could to raise them both with good morals and provide them with a good education.

A few weeks ago, Dallas confided in me that she's attracted to girls, and has a long-distance relationship with a girl in a different state. It came as a shock, but I have tried to understand so that she doesn't feel bad about it. I'm hoping this is just a phase she's going through and that it will pass -- but if it doesn't, I'll do my best to deal with it.

My problem is that Dallas insists on letting everyone know about her orientation. She even wears jewelry with the rainbow colors. I keep trying to make her understand that this is HER business, and it's not something she should make public, but she responds by asking me if I'm ashamed of her. (I always reply, "Of course not.")

Am I wrong by telling her that? What's the correct way to deal with this? -- CONFUSED PARENT, ARLINGTON, VA.

DEAR CONFUSED: It is a compliment to you that your daughter trusts you enough to be open with you about her sexual orientation. Many gay teens -- and younger children -- are so afraid they'll disappoint their parents by disclosing they are "different" that they don't talk about it.

What your daughter needs right now is to know that you love and approve of her. You must be doing something right, because she is assured enough about who she is that she feels safe being open about it. Congratulations on that.

It is extremely important that you come to terms with your own feelings about homosexuality. It is not uncommon for the parents of a gay child to feel guilt or shame, when in truth, it has nothing to do with the quality of their parenting and everything to do with genetics.

Your wisest move at this point would be to contact PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), and join one of its many support groups. Once you do, you will find it enormously helpful. Contact it by calling (202) 467-8180, or check the Web site at www.pflag.org.

I have recently learned about another helpful resource for parents of younger children who exhibit gender-variant behavior and interests. It's the Children's National Medical Center, which offers a booklet titled "If You Are Concerned About Your Child's Gender Behaviors." It can be downloaded from www.dcchildrens.com/gendervariance in either English or Spanish. It can also be ordered by writing CNMC, 111 Michigan Ave. N.W., Washington, D.C. 20010.

In addition to the booklet, the Children's National Medical Center's outreach program provides clinical mental health services and referrals to other knowledgeable professionals, a free monthly support group for parents and children, an online discussion group for parents, and a Web page with information for both parents and professionals.

DEAR ABBY: Please alert other dog lovers about something our family learned this week after spending hundreds of dollars at an emergency veterinary clinic: Dogs can become seriously ill or die from eating grapes, raisins, onions and garlic.

Our darling puppy may have permanent kidney damage because, in our ignorance, we left a bowl of grapes on the dinner table. I hope other families will read this and keep their pets safe. Thanks for spreading the word. -- GERMAN SHEPHERD MOM, THORNTON, COLO.

DEAR SHEPHERD MOM: Consider it done ... a "woof" to the wise.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)