DEAR ABBY: I am a 36-year-old married woman. "Vern" and I have been married for 10 years and are childless by choice. We have had our share of problems, but for the most part, I've learned to put them in perspective.

Eight months ago, I started flirting with a guy at work. "Jason" is married with two small children. At first the flirtation seemed harmless. The next thing I knew, we were having a hot-and-heavy affair.

I have never been so drawn to any man. I became convinced that feeling this way about Jason meant I was no longer in love with Vern, so I left my husband.

Vern was devastated. I didn't tell him there was someone else. I said I was unhappy, which was the truth. I got my own place, and the affair continued until Jason's wife became suspicious. Then Jason started pulling back. He said he was worried about not being able to see his kids.

Finally, Jason told me he thought it would be a good idea for me to go back to Vern. I begged him to change his mind and said I'd be his other woman for as long as it takes. I was so in love. He made me laugh, listened to me, and made me feel special. He was everything my husband wasn't.

I am now back with Vern. I care for him, but the spark is long gone. He goes out of his way to make things right for me, but he no longer trusts me because he's heard rumors. I want our marriage to work, but all I do is think about Jason. What should I do? -- CONFUSED IN ALASKA

DEAR CONFUSED: While you're thinking about Jason, please remember that although he was amusing and a good listener, and the chemistry was strong, he was also a liar and a cheater. He may have made you feel special, but when the chips were down, his wife and children were more important to him.

Your husband wasn't born yesterday. He still loves you. Vern took you back in spite of the rumors. You now have a second chance -- but only if you reorganize your priorities. If you want your marriage to work, you and Vern will have to admit that you had issues before you moved out, and seek professional counseling to work on them.

DEAR ABBY: I have known "Jerry" for four years. We met through my ex-boyfriend, "Paul." We have been dating for about nine months.

Paul and I have a child together; our daughter, "Elise," just turned 5. My ex and I rarely speak to each other, and when we do, it's only about Elise.

I love Jerry with all my heart and would never cheat on him. How can I convince him that I am no longer interested in Paul? Whenever we have an argument, he says, "Go back to Paul -- maybe he can make you happy."

Would I be out of line if I told Jerry, "If you don't like the idea of my talking to my child's father, there's the door, and don't let it hit you on your way out"? We don't even live together, and he's trying to control me. How do you think it would be if we started living together -- which we have discussed? -- ANGRY IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR ANGRY: Jerry is insecure. Since you love him, do not give him an ultimatum. Because you share a child with Paul, there will always be contact of some sort. If Jerry is going to build a future with you, he will have to accept that fact. Do not live with him until he is mature enough to do so.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Mara," is 13. She's pregnant and refuses to tell her parents because she says they will go crazy. I keep telling her that telling her parents is what she should do, but she just won't listen.

Mara told me she's going to run away and has asked me to go with her. I would, because she's my best friend, but then I think she should stay because she's having a baby, and if that baby doesn't get enough food and stuff it could be harmed. I'm very confused. What should I do? -- CONFUSED LITTLE GIRL IN OHIO

DEAR CONFUSED: Running away is no solution. If ever there was a time a child needed her parents, this is one of them. Mara's parents may be disappointed, but they will NOT "go crazy." Urge your friend again to tell her parents, and volunteer to be with her when she does. (An alternative would be to tell your mother, and ask your mother to accompany Mara when she gives them the news.)

P.S. You are a caring friend with a good head on your shoulders. I hope Mara calms down and listens to you, because you're absolutely correct that medical care during pregnancy can be vital in delivering a healthy baby.

DEAR ABBY: I have been divorced 15 years. Recently my daughter, "Janelle," gave birth to a beautiful baby girl -- my first grandchild.

I have put up with a lot from my ex's family over the years, but did it to keep the door open for my children's sake.

Janelle is staying with me these first few weeks of her baby's life, so I told my ex and his family they were welcome to come over any time.

Janelle and I were looking at an old family album that contained her baby pictures and left it out on the coffee table. That night, I went out for about an hour while my ex-mother-in-law, sister-in-law and niece came to visit. When I returned I asked if they had seen the album -- and they said they had. The next morning, I was leafing through the album again, and I am missing six pictures! It had to be them because the album was full the day before. What should I do? -- DISGUSTED IN ARIZONA

DEAR DISGUSTED: Call the "ladies" and ask if, perhaps, they "inadvertently" picked up some of your daughter's baby pictures. Ask that they be returned and volunteer to have copies made for them. If they won't own up to taking them, then pray you can locate the negatives. And in the future do not invite them to your home.

DEAR ABBY: Every summer my family rents a condo at the beach. It's about a two-hour drive and we stay for a week. I am allowed to invite two friends.

This year I made two great friends, Erin and Matt. We are all three best friends. Erin is allowed to come to the condo, but judging on how she has been in the past, I don't think Matt's mother will allow him to go because he is a boy.

My mom said he is welcome, because she knows we are not going to do anything nasty. All three of us get good grades. We are very responsible, and don't like each other in "that" way. I don't see the problem. How can I convince Matt's mom to let him be with us? -- TRACEY IN TAMPA

DEAR TRACEY: You can't. However, your mother might be able to. Ask her to phone Matt's mother, extend the invitation, and assure her that if she allows her son to go, he will be well-supervised. Then cross your fingers.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Herbert" for 27 years, and even though we have had our ups and downs -- mostly due to his verbal abuse -- I thought we were relatively happy.

I went to visit my parents for a week. When I returned, I was telling Herb about a major and exciting change in my relationship with my father, when out of the blue he said, "You know, a guy can't help but wonder what it would have been like to have married someone knock-down, drop-dead gorgeous."

I was dumbfounded. When I got up and left the room, Herb became angry and said I must not be "mature" enough to hear his innermost thoughts. Abby, where does a question like that come from? How could I have handled what he said without taking it personally? Am I missing any hidden red flags here? What would you have said? -- FLABBERGASTED IN OHIO

DEAR FLABBERGASTED: You're not missing any red flags with your husband. In the first sentence of your letter you labeled him verbally abusive, and your assessment is on target. Considering that you were sucker-punched, I'd say you handled the situation with great restraint and maturity. A lesser woman would have replied, "And what makes you think you have what it takes to attract, or to keep, a woman like that?"

DEAR ABBY: I am 38 and have never married. When I was in my 20s (and in much better shape) I was looking to settle down and -- hopefully -- marry someone. The women at the time ignored me. I was flat out told things like, "You're nice, but boring." And, "I'll never date a poor guy again."

I have often felt, and still do, that women look for the "bad boy" or the guy with deep pockets. However, it seems that now they're past their prime and have the two kids the bad boy left them with, I am now good enough -- even though I haven't changed. I have had more female "encounters" in my 30s than I ever did in my 20s.

How do you determine the legitimate ones from the ones who just want you to help raise their kids? If I wasn't good enough for them then, why should they be good enough for me now? -- NOT THE CONSOLATION PRIZE, CHESTERTON, IND.

DEAR NOT: If you are still seeing women as shallow as the ones you tried to date in your 20s, you should not involve yourself with any of them. From the tone of your letter, I suspect you will be happier remaining single.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)