DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Herbert" for 27 years, and even though we have had our ups and downs -- mostly due to his verbal abuse -- I thought we were relatively happy.

I went to visit my parents for a week. When I returned, I was telling Herb about a major and exciting change in my relationship with my father, when out of the blue he said, "You know, a guy can't help but wonder what it would have been like to have married someone knock-down, drop-dead gorgeous."

I was dumbfounded. When I got up and left the room, Herb became angry and said I must not be "mature" enough to hear his innermost thoughts. Abby, where does a question like that come from? How could I have handled what he said without taking it personally? Am I missing any hidden red flags here? What would you have said? -- FLABBERGASTED IN OHIO

DEAR FLABBERGASTED: You're not missing any red flags with your husband. In the first sentence of your letter you labeled him verbally abusive, and your assessment is on target. Considering that you were sucker-punched, I'd say you handled the situation with great restraint and maturity. A lesser woman would have replied, "And what makes you think you have what it takes to attract, or to keep, a woman like that?"

DEAR ABBY: I am 38 and have never married. When I was in my 20s (and in much better shape) I was looking to settle down and -- hopefully -- marry someone. The women at the time ignored me. I was flat out told things like, "You're nice, but boring." And, "I'll never date a poor guy again."

I have often felt, and still do, that women look for the "bad boy" or the guy with deep pockets. However, it seems that now they're past their prime and have the two kids the bad boy left them with, I am now good enough -- even though I haven't changed. I have had more female "encounters" in my 30s than I ever did in my 20s.

How do you determine the legitimate ones from the ones who just want you to help raise their kids? If I wasn't good enough for them then, why should they be good enough for me now? -- NOT THE CONSOLATION PRIZE, CHESTERTON, IND.

DEAR NOT: If you are still seeing women as shallow as the ones you tried to date in your 20s, you should not involve yourself with any of them. From the tone of your letter, I suspect you will be happier remaining single.

DEAR ABBY: What is proper etiquette when a person at another table in a restaurant is loudly using profanity?

Last night, my wife and I were enjoying a nice dinner, until a man at a nearby table -- well within earshot of small children -- began using four-letter words to describe his recent conquests.

Should I have said something? Should I have told the manager? Or should I have kept my mouth shut and let the mother of the small children speak up? -- ROB IN DUARTE, CALIF.

DEAR ROB: The diplomatic way to have handled it would have been to ask the manager of the restaurant to move you to another table. Had you attempted to rebuke the offender, he might have become combative.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I work in a hotel where many people pass through our lobby each day. We have great guests, but we also get our share of strange or questionable people, too. It's not uncommon for police to send us information or inquire about criminals of various sorts who stop over at hotels. And, for the record, it doesn't matter how posh the hotel is, either.

My letter concerns parents who allow very young children to come to the front desk alone, or to hang out in the lobby. I have seen scantily clad young teens in swimsuits walk by. These girls have no clue that they're being ogled by 40-plus businessmen in suits who make off-color comments about their bodies.

It's also not unusual to see 4- and 5-year-olds get on and off the elevators alone because their parents don't feel like coming to the desk to pick up items.

Why, then, do we wonder how our kids are snatched up so easily by predators?

Hotel staff are here to serve and be helpful, but we cannot serve as baby sitters. We are often multitasking, so no one should assume we have an eye on your child. How are we to know whether the 50-year-old man pulling your 12-year-old daughter aside and whispering something in her ear is her dad -- or a pervert?

When children go missing, we staff members get screamed at by parents insisting that we should have seen something suspicious about the person the child was last seen with. Well, here's the simple answer: We're employed to conduct hotel business, not monitor children. When the telephone rings, we must answer and take a reservation. Our attention cannot be on your child when there is a lobby bustling with activity, a line of five or more guests checking in and out, someone on the inside line requesting more pillows or questioning a bill, and our outside lines are ringing off the hook. -- FRUSTRATED AT THE FRONT DESK

DEAR FRUSTRATED: I understand and sympathize. Part of the problem may be that the hospitality industry has been so successful in making guests feel at home away from home, that people forget they are NOT at home. An illustration would be a recent item on the television news here in California. An attractive young woman entered her upscale hotel and decided to dash into the powder room off the main lobby. She was unaware that a man followed her into the hotel through the lobby and into the bathroom. The only thing that saved her from his sexual assault was that another woman happened to enter the bathroom.

Signs posted in every hotel room warn guests to verify the identity of strangers before admitting them. In the interest of safety, travelers should never let their guard down, and parents should remain vigilant.

DEAR ABBY: My son, who is 19, went to his aunt and uncle's during the New Year's holidays. They live 3 1/2 hours away from us. On his way back home, he got a speeding ticket.

Do you think we were wrong to make him return his Christmas gifts as punishment? His ticket cost $970 including attorney's fees. Our son thinks we were out of line. -- DISGUSTED IN GEORGIA

DEAR DISGUSTED: The punishment should fit the crime -- and in this case, I don't think it did. Rather than returning his Christmas gifts, a better "punishment" would have been for him to repay the money you fronted on his behalf.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a nursing supervisor in a large hospital. There is a policy in hospitals that the public does not understand, and it has caused more than a few problems.

Because of privacy laws, all patients admitted to the hospital must be asked if they want to be a "privacy patient" or a "no publicity patient." If they answer yes to that question, it means that if anyone calls, or comes to the hospital, we cannot even acknowledge that the patient is here. We must say, "I don't have a patient listed by that name."

Not surprisingly, this often upsets friends and family members. So please, Abby, remind your readers about the privacy laws. We are not purposely lying to anyone; we are just following the patient's instructions and obeying the rules. Thank you. -- FRUSTRATED NURSE IN IRONTON, OHIO

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Thank YOU for injecting an important dose of reality. While some patients may welcome visitors, many more do not. One solution is to assign a particular relative or friend to be the "minister of information." That way, there is less emotional wear and tear on all concerned.

DEAR ABBY: My fiancee has requested that I stop opening doors for her after I asked her to acknowledge my courtesy with a "thank you." This simple (in my opinion) request turned into a huge argument after she told me I should not open doors for her anymore.

Abby, I was brought up to be a gentleman and to treat women like ladies. Am I wrong for wanting to be appreciated for doing this, or should I stop being so darn sensitive and forget about opening doors for her, which goes against who I am? -- CLOSING THIS DOOR IN HONOLULU

DEAR CLOSING: You are not "wrong" to want your courtesy to be acknowledged. That is the way you were raised. However, you have proposed to someone whose background is not as refined as yours. Before you tie the knot, please consider carefully that this woman will be raising your children. Is someone with her attitude the kind of person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life?

DEAR ABBY: When my husband's grandmother died two years ago, my mother-in-law, "Shirley," told us we could go through the items left in her mother's house, take what we wanted, and then discard the rest. I took mostly kitchen stuff -- mainly pots and pans.

My birthday was last week and I had to work late, so Shirley came over and cooked dinner for me. A couple of days later, I was going to cook some lasagna and take it to her home, but after searching high and low, I was unable to locate a particular dish I used. Finally, after going through every cupboard, I called Shirley to ask where she had put it. She then informed me that since it was her mother's dish, she had taken it.

I was upset and told her I wanted it back. Shirley told me no and hung up on me! My mother-in-law has not spoken to me since, and now she's fighting with my husband because he stood up to defend me.

I don't want a lasagna dish to divide my family, but I refuse to be treated this way. How would you have handled this situation? -- OFFENDED IN ODESSA, TEXAS

DEAR OFFENDED: Your mother-in-law was wrong to take the dish without asking or letting you know. However, it's possible the item has some sentimental meaning to her. Bearing that in mind, and in the interest of family harmony, I'd have written Shirley a note telling her that she's welcome to it -- and then I'd have gone out and bought myself another lasagna pan.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)