DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Brooke," is 12, and already she's causing me to worry. She has a serious boyfriend, "Lyle." It's not a secret. I have been pestering her to bring Lyle to meet me, but she never gets around to it.

Brooke has never been a good student; however, lately she has been getting all A's in homework, but C's and D's in tests and in her school assignments. I suspect that her boyfriend is doing her homework for her. I know that Lyle is in high school because I have heard her talking on the phone to her friends. My problem is, I feel weird accusing him of anything when I haven't met him. Am I wrong? What should I do? -- STUMPED IN BETHESDA

DEAR STUMPED: Start being a mother to your daughter. At 12, Brooke's too young for a serious boyfriend, much less one who's in high school. If you continue to allow her to spend unsupervised time with boys you haven't met and approved, you are shirking your responsibility as a parent. Assert yourself NOW, unless you want to risk being a grandmother before your child reaches high school.

DEAR ABBY: Last weekend I asked to borrow a glass pitcher from my sister for a party I was having. Her husband arrived a few minutes before the party with the pitcher in hand. As he handed it to me, I noticed a large crack on the side. I pointed it out to him and gave it back.

My sister called me later, asking, "What about my pitcher?" I explained that it had arrived damaged and that I was not responsible. She says I must replace or compensate her for it in some way, because the pitcher would not have left her house that day if I hadn't asked to borrow it!

Abby, I'm not sure how the pitcher was handled during the four-minute car ride to my home. I do know it was placed unprotected on the front seat. The temperature was very cold that day, possibly in the single digits. My sister says the extreme variation in temperature between her house and the car and then into my house caused the crack.

I consulted two well-known retailers. The customer service representatives from both companies said they had never heard of such a complaint from any of their customers. One went on to say that their company ships items through the mail daily, where products are exposed to outside temperatures, and still had no complaints from customers about receiving broken items. Who is responsible for the pitcher? -- LIZ IN E. GREENWICH, R.I.

DEAR LIZ: The responsible party is the person who failed to ensure that the pitcher was properly packed for transportation to your house.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 49 and the mother of two sons. My hair has been turning silver since I was a teenager, and I am completely silver now.

I gave birth to my sons when I was in my late 30s and early 40s, and, unlike most women, I have no problem with my silver mane. However, I am shocked at the treatment I receive when I go to medical offices. Invariably when I bring the children in, the receptionist will ask, "Are you the mother or the grandmother?" Abby, I'm only silver -- not dead!

I participate in more activities with my sons than most women half my age. What would be a snappy response to these rude people? -- HI-HO SILVER IN ARKANSAS

DEAR SILVER: Forgo the snappy reply and say, "Why do you ask?" You may be surprised to learn that the receptionist is far more interested in whether you are the person authorized to make medical decisions for the boys, or the one who is responsible for paying the medical bill, than whether you are the parent or the grandparent.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am writing to tell you about some of the bravest, strongest, most resilient people I know -- military spouses. So often people write you about problems, troubles or issues. Perhaps my letter will bring a smile to someone's face.

I am in the Army, currently deployed in Iraq. Here, all I have to worry about are my soldiers and myself. They are great guys who make it easy for me, as they all act maturely and professionally.

While I am here, my wife is back home worrying about me. She does all the chores around the house, cooks, takes care of our three sons, helps them with homework, holds down a full-time job, and still finds time to keep our children enrolled in whatever extra activities they can do. She is now filling the roles of both mother and father. Her strength amazes me. Once she went away for 10 days to attend a wedding, and I had to take vacation time to keep up with the house and the kids.

I'm not saying my wife walks on water -- although she swims well -- but a lot of people send messages over here to the soldiers saying, "Thank you for your service." I personally think the unsung heroes are the ones who fill the shoes of the soldiers when they are deployed.

I have been gone for a year and can't wait to return home. I'm planning family time, Mom and Dad time, and I'm also going to let my wife have some time of her own. I just want your readers to know that soldiers have people we look up to, too, and who we think are true American heroes. -- LOVING SOLDIER IN IRAQ

DEAR SOLDIER: I'm printing your love letter because I know you speak for many of those serving their country far from home. I agree that it takes a special kind of person to be a military spouse, someone with strength, courage and self-reliance. Military spouses are, indeed, unsung heroes. Thank you for pointing it out.

DEAR ABBY: I am 18, good-looking, and in great shape, but I haven't had a girlfriend since 2000. I am pretty sure the reason is I refuse to have sex until I am married. I am very religious. When I marry and devote myself to my wife, I want to be able to truly say she has all of me physically, emotionally and spiritually. I want to look her in the eye and tell her honestly that I saved myself just for her.

A lot of girls in college are just looking for sex, and that's not me. Granted, I do date -- but after about two weeks, when they find out I don't want to have sex, they don't like that. It has become frustrating to the point that my parents asked me if I was gay, because I haven't brought home a steady girlfriend.

Does any girl my age want a nice guy? It doesn't seem that way. I'm considering changing my persona and becoming a hard-time partier and forgetting about my commitment to abstinence, because it seems that girls just want the "bad" boy. If you would respond to that, it would be great. God bless. -- ALONE IN ARIZONA

DEAR ALONE: Please don't give up or compromise your values. My dear departed Grandpa A.B. had a saying: "If you want to catch trout, don't go fishing in a herring barrel." Since you want a girl with strong conservative values like your own -- and they do exist -- affiliate with a church-based youth group, or try an Internet Christian dating service. Many girls are praying to meet someone just like you, so don't give up.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 27-year-old woman who would like to meet and date a man who respects women.

Two years ago, my husband and I were divorced. Since then my dating experiences have been disappointing.

My friends and acquaintances all say that meeting men in a bar is not a good way to find someone with whom I could be happy. I agree, because most of the men I have met in bars never call after the first date. They are unemployed, recently separated, or drop me after a few dates when I won't have sex.

I have contacted local parishes to find out about weekend retreats and charity functions, but dating men I met there didn't bring any better results.

I don't understand why dating is such a problem. I'm blond, attractive and friendly. I work and attend college full time. I am ambitious, a voracious reader and can carry on an intelligent conversation.

Most men I've encountered seem happy to live at home with their parents and don't want to start a family of their own.

I'm looking for someone who would take me to dinner and a movie and treat me like a lady. I don't mind staying home and watching movies sometimes, but men today apparently want only casual sex -- not relationships.

Unlike my girlfriends who are satisfied with bar-hopping every weekend for male companionship, I want to share my life with someone and have a family. I'm not asking for an instant marriage proposal, but I would like a meaningful relationship. Have you any suggestions? -- DISCOURAGED IN PITTSBURGH

DEAR DISCOURAGED: At the risk of sounding like a broken record, decent people can be found where decent people gather. Volunteer your services at a library, a hospital, the mental health society, or anyplace that could use a helping hand. Join clubs focused on activities you enjoy such as hiking, reading, golfing, fishing, etc. Take square dance, ballroom, folk or line dance classes. Go to museums, art exhibits and concerts. Join the chamber of commerce and attend its mixers; join a professional club, a gym or the YMCA. Volunteer at a political campaign headquarters. The more people who know you're interested in meeting someone, the greater your chances will be of finding Mr. Right.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, who is a junior in college, came out to me last Christmas. She said that she is a lesbian and her roommate for the past year is her lover.

I must admit that even though I have always accepted homosexuality as part of the natural order of things, I was not prepared for one of my children to be gay.

I am now over the shock and I have invited my daughter's roommate to visit us during the spring break.

My dilemma: Should I allow them to sleep together in my home? I would not allow my son (who is straight) to sleep with his girlfriend in my home. -- TRULY BAFFLED IN BOSTON

DEAR BAFFLED: If you would not allow your son, who is straight, to sleep with his girlfriend in your home, the same logic should apply to your daughter and her lover. Put them in separate bedrooms.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "TIRED OF BOSSY PARENTS": This Chinese proverb may give you some insight. Memorize it and repeat it daily: "A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a person perfected without trials."

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)