DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 55 years –- more than half a century. We come from a generation where living together and having children before marriage was unthinkable.

Our 21-year-old granddaughter, "Stella," and her boyfriend moved in together two years ago, in what they called a "trial marriage." Last month, Stella gave birth to a baby girl and sent my husband and me a birth announcement.

We mailed it back with a note telling Stella we are ashamed of their conduct and lack of morals. We also told them there's nothing to celebrate about this birth of an out-of-wedlock child.

Four days later, my daughter (Stella's mother) phoned us in a rage. She said things are different nowadays and we have no right to impose our "outdated moral values" on their daughter and her boyfriend. My daughter insists we owe them an apology. She says we are out of line. Your opinion, please. -- STANDING BY OUR CONVICTIONS IN ARIZONA

DEAR STANDING: Although you come from a generation that believes it is best for a child to be born into an established family, with parents who are committed to each other enough to follow through with the legalities, it's time to face the fact that a sizable number of younger people feel differently today.

Your moral values are not outdated, but you do owe the couple an apology for lashing out at them in anger. It was cruel to have returned the birth announcement and told your granddaughter that the birth of her daughter was nothing to celebrate. Simply not responding at all would have signaled your disapproval and been much kinder.

DEAR ABBY: I know that good Christians are supposed to practice forgiveness, but it's not always easy to do. My husband, "Carl," has been having an off-and-on affair with my brother's wife, "Joanne."

I found out when I accidentally caught them together. Carl begged me to forgive him. He said it was all a terrible mistake. We started marriage counseling, but all that came out of it was his confession that the affair had been going on for 15 years. When I confided it to my sister, she told me that Joanne had tried to seduce her husband, too.

Over the years, I had felt uneasy about Joanne flirting with my husband. I talked to them about it at one point, but they said I was being hormonal and it was only my imagination. I feel like a fool for believing them.

I offered Carl a divorce, but he insists that he loves me. He says he's sorry and he wants to stay with me. We've been married for 36 years, and have raised three boys and two girls together. We have seven grandchildren.

Carl and I are respected members of our community. We have been successful in our business and our church. Our neighbors would be scandalized if they knew about all this.

Carl is begging me to give him another chance, but how can I ever trust him again? -- DISILLUSIONED WIFE IN DELAWARE

DEAR DISILLUSIONED: You have everything to gain and nothing to lose if you give it a try. Although your hurt and distrust are understandable, it isn't too late to salvage your marriage if you are both willing to work at it. Take a fresh look at your lives, recommit yourselves to each other and promise to spend the rest of your days making each other happy. It may not be easy at first, but other couples have succeeded, and you can, too.

DEAR ABBY: I know that good Christians are supposed to practice forgiveness, but it's not always easy to do. My husband, "Carl," has been having an off-and-on affair with my brother's wife, "Joanne."

I found out when I accidentally caught them together. Carl begged me to forgive him. He said it was all a terrible mistake. We started marriage counseling, but all that came out of it was his confession that the affair had been going on for 15 years. When I confided it to my sister, she told me that Joanne had tried to seduce her husband, too.

Over the years, I had felt uneasy about Joanne flirting with my husband. I talked to them about it at one point, but they said I was being hormonal and it was only my imagination. I feel like a fool for believing them.

I offered Carl a divorce, but he insists that he loves me. He says he's sorry and he wants to stay with me. We've been married for 36 years, and have raised three boys and two girls together. We have seven grandchildren.

Carl and I are respected members of our community. We have been successful in our business and our church. Our neighbors would be scandalized if they knew about all this.

Carl is begging me to give him another chance, but how can I ever trust him again? -- DISILLUSIONED WIFE IN DELAWARE

DEAR DISILLUSIONED: You have everything to gain and nothing to lose if you give it a try. Although your hurt and distrust are understandable, it isn't too late to salvage your marriage if you are both willing to work at it. Take a fresh look at your lives, recommit yourselves to each other and promise to spend the rest of your days making each other happy. It may not be easy at first, but other couples have succeeded, and you can, too.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Sam," and I have been together for 12 years, happily married for seven. We get along great, with only one area of major conflict.

I am a dog lover. Before we married, I owned three beautiful springer spaniels. Sam knew that dogs were one of my greatest joys in life. He also knew that living with indoor dogs was important to me, and that I'd like to have between three and eight of them.

We now have four indoor dogs. One of the dogs I had when I was single died two years ago, and my husband and I have adopted two. I'd love to get another one, but Sam says we have enough. He says the dogs cause wear and tear on our home, and are expensive to maintain, especially since one of them requires medication for a heart problem.

I have a home-based business and enjoy the companionship of our "babies" enormously. I am their sole caregiver, and although I may not be the greatest housekeeper, our home is presentable. All of our pets are obedience school graduates.

I have offered to compromise. I even suggested that we keep any new dogs outside, although that would break my heart. My offers have fallen on deaf ears.

Please don't think that Sam is jealous of the dogs. That's not the case. He simply doesn't love animals like I do. I'm starting to resent that I can't have another dog because animals mean so much to me. Please tell me what you think. -- JUST ONE MORE IN MARYLAND

DEAR JUST ONE MORE: Unless you want your marriage to end up in the doghouse, please reorganize your priorities. Since you feel the need to care for other dogs, consider donating some of your free time to an animal shelter. They would welcome you with open arms, and there would be peace in your household.

DEAR ABBY: I am 13 and in the seventh grade. I am labeled as "shy" and "quiet" by my teachers and a lot of the kids at school. But when I'm at home or with close friends, they know differently.

What can I say when teachers say, "Oh, you're so quiet. Why don't you say anything?"

Abby, please let teachers know that these remarks only make matters worse. My mom and some of my friends have had the same experience.

Is there a polite response when people ask me why I'm quiet? -- ON THE SPOT IN ALABAMA

DEAR ON THE SPOT: Try this: "I never learned anything while talking, but I have learned a lot while listening."

DEAR ABBY: When a ceremonial toast is proposed, what is the rule of etiquette for someone who does not drink alcoholic beverages and nothing else is available? -- SOBER ROSE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR SOBER ROSE: There is no rule of etiquette that says you must drink. If no other beverage has been provided for you, raise the glass you have been given, say, "Hear, hear!" and put the glass down again.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a successful, 25-year-old professional woman, in an amazing relationship with a man I'll call "Riley." We plan to be married in June.

The worm in the apple is this: His parents are not happy with the fact that I have an 8-year-old daughter, "Kyra." I was raped at 16 and chose to keep my baby.

Riley loves Kyra, and vice versa. But Riley's parents can't accept Kyra and me. It hurts my daughter not to be accepted, just as it hurts me. Riley has talked to his parents about the situation, but they are stubborn.

How can I get his parents to love us as their son has? -- HURT IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR HURT: You could campaign for their love from now until the cows come home, but you can't instill love in someone's heart if it isn't there to begin with. And if you were by some miracle able to achieve it, it could take years. Even if Riley demanded that his mother and father treat you and your daughter with kindness and respect, there is no guarantee they would comply. Please take this into consideration before proceeding with your wedding plans.

DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of a 9-year-old daughter, "Bianca," who lives with her father. While Bianca was visiting me last summer, she noticed that she was "changing" physically. I took it upon myself to talk with my daughter about her changes and all of the things that come with going through puberty, including getting her monthly cycle.

Bianca came back to visit at Christmas and informed me that her father and stepmother have told her that she is too young to talk about her cycle. I want to confront them about this, but how do I do it without being offensive? Bianca's father is very controlling and has a temper, and the smallest statement always leads to chaos. I am worried that my daughter may be punished because she told me what they said to her. -- WORRIED IN THE SOUTHWEST

DEAR WORRIED: You did the right thing in talking to your daughter. Your ex-husband and his wife appear to be ignorant of the fact that girls are maturing at younger and younger ages, and need to know what to expect as their bodies develop. Rather than "confronting" them, make it clear to Bianca that if she has any questions, she can always safely address them to you. It would be better for your daughter than causing a fight.

DEAR ABBY: Even as a young girl, I have always loved horses. I have recently taken on the joyful responsibility of leasing a friend's horse, to help out with expenses, and also to learn what it would be like to actually own my own horse.

It has been only three months, and I have spent three times the amount of money that my "friend" has, and have done all of the labor to boot. By "labor," I mean cleaning horses, mucking out the stalls, cleaning water buckets and feed bins, cleaning the office, and even picking up her daughter and bringing her to and from the barn.

My question, is, how do people like my "friend" continue to look themselves in the eye after taking advantage of an honest, sincere sucker? -- TAKEN FOR A RIDE IN CHESAPEAKE, VA.

DEAR TAKEN FOR A RIDE: Three months is a pretty long ride. A more pertinent question would be, Why have you allowed it to continue? My advice is to look at all the things you have learned from this experience, and in the future, resist the urge to be so "helpful." Tally-ho!

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