DEAR ABBY: My son, "Bobby," and his girlfriend, "Claire," had a baby two weeks ago. Bobby lives with us and Claire lives with her parents, although they hope to get a place together soon.

Bobby and Claire are having a problem deciding on where to sleep. They each want to be with their family. They were going to alternate one night at each house, but Claire's mom said it wouldn't be good for the baby, as the baby needs a regular place to live. Is it bad for a newborn to switch beds? Both houses are equipped with all the baby things the little one needs.

Bobby works about 30 hours a week and attends college full time. Claire doesn't work or go to school. What can I do to help them resolve their issues without hurting anyone's feelings? My son wants to be in Claire's and the baby's lives. I just don't know how to help him. -- WANTS TO HELP IN OHIO

DEAR WANTS TO HELP: The biggest favor you could do for Bobby and Claire would be to encourage both of them to complete their education before moving anywhere. The fact that your son and his girlfriend can't decide which house to sleep in should be a clue that neither he nor she is mature enough to be moving out on their own.

Your son will have plenty of time to see his girlfriend and child after work and on weekends, and since your house is well-equipped, your grandchild can come for visits. But for now, it would be in the best interests of everyone to stay where they are. Trust me on that.

DEAR ABBY: I recently left my husband of 14 years, "Derrick." Now all of the people I thought were my friends will no longer associate with me. Derrick and I were very good at pretending, so everyone thought we had a great marriage.

Now that I have moved out, they all think I just decided one morning that I no longer wanted to be married. What they do not know is that Derrick raped me and put me through 12 years of emotional and verbal abuse. During one of the marriage counseling sessions I mentioned the rape, and he turned to me and said, "That was 12 years ago. Get over it." That was when I decided to file for divorce.

Should I go to my friends and explain it to them, or just find new friends? -- LONELY IN WICHITA

DEAR LONELY: If it will make you feel better, go to your friends and explain the truth. However, if they were truly your friends they would already be supporting you -– and, in my opinion, you would be better off without them.

DEAR ABBY: I recently left my husband of 14 years, "Derrick." Now all of the people I thought were my friends will no longer associate with me. Derrick and I were very good at pretending, so everyone thought we had a great marriage.

Now that I have moved out, they all think I just decided one morning that I no longer wanted to be married. What they do not know is that Derrick raped me and put me through 12 years of emotional and verbal abuse. During one of the marriage counseling sessions I mentioned the rape, and he turned to me and said, "That was 12 years ago. Get over it." That was when I decided to file for divorce.

Should I go to my friends and explain it to them, or just find new friends? -- LONELY IN WICHITA

DEAR LONELY: If it will make you feel better, go to your friends and explain the truth. However, if they were truly your friends they would already be supporting you -– and, in my opinion, you would be better off without them.

DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old nephew, "Butch," does not acknowledge my husband, "Denny," when we give him joint gifts. Denny's name is signed on every card; his name is on every gift. There is no animosity between them. Butch just doesn't thank Denny, and my husband is offended.

I want to mention this to my brother, Butch's father, but I don't want to start WWIII over such a little thing. Any advice? -- OFFENDED IN VIRGINIA

DEAR OFFENDED: Talk directly to your nephew and explain that the gifts have been given jointly, and that the oversight has been hurtful to your husband. Your nephew is probably acting this way because he doesn't know any better. You'll be doing him a favor to straighten him out.

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letters about hospital gowns, I thought I'd share my story. I am a rabbi. When I first trained as a chaplain, I was taught to make my hospital rounds in full dress -– wearing a suit and tie, with my jacket buttoned. However, one day a patient expressed that although she needed to talk to me, she felt terribly uncomfortable lying there "in a hospital gown with her tuchas sticking out" while I sat there in a three-piece suit.

I stood up, told her I'd be back in a moment, went to the nurse's station and got a hospital gown. I took off my suit, donned the gown over my briefs and T-shirt, and headed straight back to the patient's room. The minute she saw me in that gown, she brightened and relaxed enough to open up about all the concerns on her mind.

The visit took a little longer than usual, and when I finished our session with a prayer for healing, I rose from the chair. As I did, the sound as my thighs ripped themselves from the Naugahyde brought a huge smile to both our faces. I was laughing so hard I forgot to hold the back of the gown as I headed back down the hall -– so I was exposed.

Fortunately, the nurses had a sense of humor. One said, "Not a bad tush for a rabbi!"

I learned an important lesson on creativity that day. But I also learned that two hospital gowns are better than one -- if you remember to put one on backward. -- RABBI CRAIG H. EZRING, BOCA RATON, FLA.

DEAR RABBI EZRING: Your suit may have been off for her, but my hat is off to you for going the extra mile to make a difference in a sick woman's life. Your method may have been unorthodox, but your message of healing far surpassed any fashion statement. Thanks for an "upper" of a letter.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 21 years, "Robert," made me a wonderful dinner, made love with me, and then –- instead of sweet dreams -– he served me with divorce papers. He treats me like a princess, but the divorce is still going through. Robert says we have nothing in common and no longer think alike.

I am confused. He calls me two or three times a day, and cries and becomes angry when I say I am moving away from the house. He tells our adult children he "loves me dearly" but will never be truly happy with me. In a few more months we will no longer be husband and wife; however, he won't let go emotionally. I am still hopelessly in love with him, and his constant attention does not make our situation easier. Can you please tell me what's the right thing for me to do? -- HURT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR HURT: The right thing to do is find a therapist who can help you make sense of what has happened, help you to heal the wounds of this divorce, and go on with your life. The day your divorce becomes final will be an important line of demarcation. From then on, you'll be responsible for your own interests. Please don't be distracted by what your husband says. Instead, watch what he does. The sooner you start thinking with your head rather than your heart, the better off you'll be.

CONFIDENTIAL TO BORED IN BIRMINGHAM: Get off the couch and look around you. Visit the library. Take a class at a local college. Attend a concert or a play. It will take you outside of yourself and stimulate your imagination. A person with imagination is never alone.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Fed Up in N.Y.," whose father-in-law scoots off in his motorized wheelchair to the local bar a mile away and returns home drunk, missed one point. The bar has a legal responsibility not to allow customers to leave drunk, and instead of serving drunk customers, to cut them off.

"Fed Up" should go to the bar with the police and inform the bartender and management that the next time they "overserve" "Papa Jake," she'll see to it that the New York state liquor license people get an earful, and if anything happens to Papa Jake, or he causes injury to anyone in his drunken condition on the way home, the bar will share in that responsibility.

I'll bet a gin and tonic after that the bar will cut Papa Jake off long before he gets drunk. -- DAVID J. IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR DAVID J: That may be true in California, but I'm not sure it's so in every state. Your suggestion is an intelligent one, and it's certainly worth making an inquiry to the beverage control board in that woman's state.

DEAR ABBY: Why didn't you suggest counseling for that poor man? Obviously, Papa Jake is widowed and has too much idle time on his hands. After he has been given a thorough physical and mental evaluation, he needs to be introduced to AA, as well as activities that could spark his creative talents. -- JESSICA IN TENNESSEE

DEAR JESSICA: I'm sure that at the time of his stroke and afterward, Papa Jake received physical and neurological evaluations. However, if he's willing to admit he has an alcohol problem, AA could be helpful. (And so could Al-Anon for "Fed Up" and her husband.) They might also consider contacting the American Stroke Association, which maintains a listing of telephone support groups for stroke survivors, their families, friends and interested professionals. The toll-free number is 888-4STROKE.

DEAR ABBY: As a follow-up to the letter from "Fed Up in N.Y.," whose father-in-law was using his motorized scooter to travel to a bar, I suggest that she or her husband disconnect the battery to his scooter. I hope this is helpful. -- PHILIP C., HOUSTON

DEAR PHILIP: It might prove helpful, but only as a last resort.

DEAR ABBY: I need advice. My mother-in-law expects a phone call or card from her son and me on her wedding anniversary. Her husband died two years ago. I haven't called her or sent a card on that day since his death.

She frequently comments on who remembered to call her. Should I be sending her happy anniversary cards? -- CONFUSED

DEAR CONFUSED: Consider how you would like to be treated on such a bittersweet occasion. Surely you would not want to be ignored. Because you feel uncomfortable sending her a "happy" anniversary card, create one that says you are thinking of her and the many happy years she shared with her husband. But don't treat her special day as if it never happened.

DEAR ABBY: I received a full set of utility knives for Christmas and would like to know the proper way to dispose of the old knives. Thank you. -- BEVERLY IN NEW PORT RICHEY, FLA.

DEAR BEVERLY: Make cardboard sheaths for the knives so they will retain their sharpness and not hurt anyone, and donate them to any charity that will take them. Or, offer them to a neighbor at a penny apiece. (In some cultures, it is bad luck to give a knife to someone without financial consideration.)

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)