DEAR ABBY: My brother recently discovered that his 16-year-old stepdaughter has been chatting online with a man in another state, up to and including phone sex. He went into her e-mail without her permission to see what was going on after she ran up a $300 phone bill.

When he confronted her about the bill, she lied and said she had been talking to a girlfriend. Her mother -- my brother's wife -- thinks her daughter would never do anything wrong and gets mad at my brother if he implies otherwise. He doesn't want to do anything about the situation for fear of her wrath.

I say, the girl's safety is more important than a fight with his wife. Do you know if there's a task force that he could e-mail this information to and remain anonymous? I would like to see that man caught before something horrible happens to this beautiful young girl. -- PROTECTIVE IN COLORADO

DEAR PROTECTIVE: The girl has been victimized by a predator. Your brother's wife is doing her daughter no good by behaving like an ostrich and pretending this incident never happened.

There are several things your brother can do. He should contact his local FBI office and/or visit the Web site � HYPERLINK "http://www.fbi.gov" ��www.fbi.gov� and check out the area devoted to cyber crimes -- specifically crimes against children under "What We Investigate." If he is referred to his local police department, he should contact them immediately so they can investigate further. The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children also has an informative Web site, � HYPERLINK "http://www.missingkids.com" ��www.missingkids.com�, which provides information regarding exploited children and an opportunity to report it.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single woman, and while I have kissed a lot of men, only a few were great kissers. You don't want to give up on a great guy because his kiss is only average. I gently tried to provide a bit of coaching with an ex, but it made him defensive.

How do you teach a middle-aged man to kiss? Before I get into another relationship, a little advice in this area would be helpful. Also, would you approach it early on -- or after there is an established relationship? -- WANTS A GREAT KISSER

DEAR WANTS: Since different people are turned on by different things, no one should expect to get it right on the first try. A considerate kisser wants to please.

The best way I know of to "teach" a middle-aged man to kiss -- or a young one or an old one, for that matter -- is to demonstrate, demonstrate. Practice makes perfect, and the time to approach it is soon after he makes his next attempt.

DEAR ABBY: I'm recently divorced after a four-year separation from my husband. My ex treats me like dirt and cannot speak to me without becoming angry and abusive.

I wasn't the cause of the breakup. He cheated on me. I offered to rebuild the trust and work it out, but he refused. I just want to know why he is angry. I have tried to ask him why he gets so defensive. He is living with the woman he cheated with. Why does he carry so much anger toward me? He is supposedly happy with her. -- PUZZLED AND HURT IN KENTUCKY

DEAR HURT: He would rather aim his anger at you than face himself. He knows what he did was wrong, and it's easier for him to blame you than take responsibility and accept himself as a cheater. It's called blaming the victim.

DEAR ABBY: I'm recently divorced after a four-year separation from my husband. My ex treats me like dirt and cannot speak to me without becoming angry and abusive.

I wasn't the cause of the breakup. He cheated on me. I offered to rebuild the trust and work it out, but he refused. I just want to know why he is angry. I have tried to ask him why he gets so defensive. He is living with the woman he cheated with. Why does he carry so much anger toward me? He is supposedly happy with her. -- PUZZLED AND HURT IN KENTUCKY

DEAR HURT: He would rather aim his anger at you than face himself. He knows what he did was wrong, and it's easier for him to blame you than take responsibility and accept himself as a cheater. It's called blaming the victim.

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for printing the letter from "Confused in California," whose daughter, "Victoria," and her boyfriend, "Albert," expect her to pay for the daughter's rent and expenses while she lives with him.

I had a delightful morning imagining what would happen if one of my daughters suggested I should pay her boyfriend for her room and board –- two years retroactive, no less! I fell on the floor laughing and hooting! -- NO CONFUSION HERE IN CANADA

DEAR NO CONFUSION: You're not the only person who was appalled at the suggestion. The chorus was unanimous. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Surely two years of sexual favors should be worth at least $8,000 on the open market -– to say nothing of the going rates for two years of cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, etc. "Confused in California" should be submitting an even larger bill to "Albert" for everything he has received from "Victoria" during the past two years. -- REALISTIC IN EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR REALISTIC: What a clever idea. It hadn't occurred to me to advise the mother to reverse the charges.

DEAR ABBY: I suspect that "Albert" is getting ready to dump "Victoria." When he was in love with her, he provided for her. Now he wants to be paid for the past "burden" because he's not in love with her anymore. I'd put money on odds that he's looking for a wife outside that relationship. -- ANNIE IN PASCO, WASH.

DEAR ANNIE: You could be right. Or perhaps the two lovers consider her mother to be an easy touch.

DEAR ABBY: My mother and I had an agreement when I turned 18. Even though I was legally an adult, as long as I lived on her dime, I would abide by her rules.

From the time I was 18 to the time I was 20, I paid my parents rent -- even though I was a full-time student. When I moved into my own apartment, I paid the bills. I was made aware that if you believe you're adult enough to make decisions your parents don't agree with, you had better be adult enough to pay your own way. Being a parent means that you love your child unconditionally. It does not mean that you have to open your checkbook unconditionally, too.

As a now 30-year-old woman, I am thankful my mother taught me that if you want to live life your own way, you can't do it from someone else's pocket. She and I have a relationship that most of my friends envy. She treats me as an adult and respects my decisions, even when she doesn't necessarily agree, because I don't ask her to pay for them. She tells me often that she's proud of me for being adult enough to take responsibility for my own life, and for my decisions. I'm proud of her for teaching me to do that.

I'm glad you told "Confused" to stick with her convictions. The sooner her daughter and her daughter's "fiance" understand that it is not Mom's job to support a lifestyle she doesn't approve of, the sooner both of them may grow up and start behaving like the adults they purport themselves to be. -- GRATEFUL DAUGHTER IN INDIANA

DEAR GRATEFUL DAUGHTER: I agree with you that "Victoria" and "Albert" have a lot of growing up to do. And it's not her mother's job to pay their tuition in the school of experience.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been going out with "Elijah" for a year and a half. I love him, but sometimes he tries to get me to do things I really don't want to do sexually. I don't know how to tell him no, because I don't want him to hate me. I feel pressured every time I'm with him, and sometimes I'm scared to be alone with him. What should I do? I need help. -- WORRIED GIRLFRIEND IN N.C.

DEAR GIRLFRIEND: The most difficult word to say is also one of the shortest. It's "no." And yet the inability to say that simple word can complicate a person's life in ways you can't imagine.

If Elijah is pressuring you to do things you're not ready for, then as much as you love him, he is proving that he doesn't love you. If he would "hate" you for saying no, then he didn't love you to begin with -- you are being used. If you allow it to continue, it will make you feel ashamed and guilty, which can cause you problems in the future.

Please consider what I have said and strictly limit the time you spend alone with him. It's called avoiding temptation.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Len," is a good person, but he never shows me any affection. Over the past three years, we might have kissed only six times.

I recently learned that Len has a stash of what he calls "glamour shots" of women. I call them porno. Len insists that it's normal for men to look at these kinds of things. We have had many fights over it and his not wanting to be with me sexually.

I am not unattractive. I have tried everything to interest him. He promises to change because he loves me, but nothing changes. We have tried counseling –- it didn't help.

Abby, I love my husband, but I am very lonely. I would do anything to please him, but he'd rather fantasize over an image on paper than be with me. I realize that sex isn't everything, but what about me and my needs? I work, take care of the kids, cook -– everything. I feel like his roommate. -- WANTS A HUSBAND

DEAR WANTS A HUSBAND: When a spouse substitutes "glamour shots" for a sex life with his partner, it's time to admit there is a serious problem. However, nothing will change until your husband faces it and decides to do something about it. He could be addicted to porn. He may have erectile dysfunction. The place to start is at his doctor's office with a complete physical examination.

DEAR ABBY: My parents have money troubles from time to time. I am only 12 and live with my mom, dad, baby sister and little brother. I sometimes wish I was older so I could have a job and help out my family.

My parents have given me everything I wanted, but in return all I've given my parents is grief. I want to help with bills and stuff, but I'm too young to have a job. What's another way I could get money? -- BIG SIS IN TUCSON

DEAR BIG SIS: You appear to me to be a caring and responsible girl. Tell your parents what you have in mind, and ask if they would permit you to start a car-washing or baby-sitting business for families in your neighborhood. Whether or not they take you up on it, I'm sure they'll be proud of you and touched by your offer.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)