DEAR ABBY: Thank you for printing the letter from "Confused in California," whose daughter, "Victoria," and her boyfriend, "Albert," expect her to pay for the daughter's rent and expenses while she lives with him.

I had a delightful morning imagining what would happen if one of my daughters suggested I should pay her boyfriend for her room and board –- two years retroactive, no less! I fell on the floor laughing and hooting! -- NO CONFUSION HERE IN CANADA

DEAR NO CONFUSION: You're not the only person who was appalled at the suggestion. The chorus was unanimous. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Surely two years of sexual favors should be worth at least $8,000 on the open market -– to say nothing of the going rates for two years of cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, etc. "Confused in California" should be submitting an even larger bill to "Albert" for everything he has received from "Victoria" during the past two years. -- REALISTIC IN EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR REALISTIC: What a clever idea. It hadn't occurred to me to advise the mother to reverse the charges.

DEAR ABBY: I suspect that "Albert" is getting ready to dump "Victoria." When he was in love with her, he provided for her. Now he wants to be paid for the past "burden" because he's not in love with her anymore. I'd put money on odds that he's looking for a wife outside that relationship. -- ANNIE IN PASCO, WASH.

DEAR ANNIE: You could be right. Or perhaps the two lovers consider her mother to be an easy touch.

DEAR ABBY: My mother and I had an agreement when I turned 18. Even though I was legally an adult, as long as I lived on her dime, I would abide by her rules.

From the time I was 18 to the time I was 20, I paid my parents rent -- even though I was a full-time student. When I moved into my own apartment, I paid the bills. I was made aware that if you believe you're adult enough to make decisions your parents don't agree with, you had better be adult enough to pay your own way. Being a parent means that you love your child unconditionally. It does not mean that you have to open your checkbook unconditionally, too.

As a now 30-year-old woman, I am thankful my mother taught me that if you want to live life your own way, you can't do it from someone else's pocket. She and I have a relationship that most of my friends envy. She treats me as an adult and respects my decisions, even when she doesn't necessarily agree, because I don't ask her to pay for them. She tells me often that she's proud of me for being adult enough to take responsibility for my own life, and for my decisions. I'm proud of her for teaching me to do that.

I'm glad you told "Confused" to stick with her convictions. The sooner her daughter and her daughter's "fiance" understand that it is not Mom's job to support a lifestyle she doesn't approve of, the sooner both of them may grow up and start behaving like the adults they purport themselves to be. -- GRATEFUL DAUGHTER IN INDIANA

DEAR GRATEFUL DAUGHTER: I agree with you that "Victoria" and "Albert" have a lot of growing up to do. And it's not her mother's job to pay their tuition in the school of experience.

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DEAR ABBY: I have been going out with "Elijah" for a year and a half. I love him, but sometimes he tries to get me to do things I really don't want to do sexually. I don't know how to tell him no, because I don't want him to hate me. I feel pressured every time I'm with him, and sometimes I'm scared to be alone with him. What should I do? I need help. -- WORRIED GIRLFRIEND IN N.C.

DEAR GIRLFRIEND: The most difficult word to say is also one of the shortest. It's "no." And yet the inability to say that simple word can complicate a person's life in ways you can't imagine.

If Elijah is pressuring you to do things you're not ready for, then as much as you love him, he is proving that he doesn't love you. If he would "hate" you for saying no, then he didn't love you to begin with -- you are being used. If you allow it to continue, it will make you feel ashamed and guilty, which can cause you problems in the future.

Please consider what I have said and strictly limit the time you spend alone with him. It's called avoiding temptation.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Len," is a good person, but he never shows me any affection. Over the past three years, we might have kissed only six times.

I recently learned that Len has a stash of what he calls "glamour shots" of women. I call them porno. Len insists that it's normal for men to look at these kinds of things. We have had many fights over it and his not wanting to be with me sexually.

I am not unattractive. I have tried everything to interest him. He promises to change because he loves me, but nothing changes. We have tried counseling –- it didn't help.

Abby, I love my husband, but I am very lonely. I would do anything to please him, but he'd rather fantasize over an image on paper than be with me. I realize that sex isn't everything, but what about me and my needs? I work, take care of the kids, cook -– everything. I feel like his roommate. -- WANTS A HUSBAND

DEAR WANTS A HUSBAND: When a spouse substitutes "glamour shots" for a sex life with his partner, it's time to admit there is a serious problem. However, nothing will change until your husband faces it and decides to do something about it. He could be addicted to porn. He may have erectile dysfunction. The place to start is at his doctor's office with a complete physical examination.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Caring Friend in California" was at a loss about whether to hold a baby shower for her friend, whose baby was not expected to make it through the gestation period. You advised her that rather than hold a shower, her friends should stay close and provide willing ears and shoulders to cry on.

A dear friend of my daughter's faced the same circumstances. We knew that if her baby survived delivery, it would be only a short time until the child was gone. What we did was to create a "memory box." We included a camera to take pictures of the baby, and a smaller version of a baby book to hold the footprints, hand prints, a lock of hair and, of course, the photos. We also bought the infant a cross as she was immediately baptized.

It gave the parents something to remember -– a special memory of their baby. It wouldn't hurt for "Caring Friend" to contact the hospital as well, as it may have something already set up for people facing these circumstances. -- HOPE IN MINNESOTA

DEAR HOPE: Those are wonderful suggestions. A woman named Michelle wrote me from Las Vegas to say that the March of Dimes has a bereavement packet that could be helpful. In addition to information regarding the loss, it contains a memory book for the lock of hair and/or footprint. The packet can be obtained from local March of Dimes offices. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My heart breaks for the friend who will soon lose the child she has grown to love. I have known many mothers and fathers who have lost children very young (even through miscarriage), and each one has treasured any reminder of the child they lost. Many hospitals have programs run by volunteers that provide a blanket and a tiny hat to be made available to the grieving parents. "Caring Friend" should give her friend the option of choosing gentle reminders of her love and strength in this time of need, or a small, quiet ceremony of her love to make things easier for her. My guess is she'll choose both. I know I would. -- MOTHER OF FOUR IN VIRGINIA

DEAR MOTHER OF FOUR: Thank you for the input. I have a stack of letters from readers echoing your sentiments and offering suggestions. Read on:

FROM 'BEEN THERE IN CANADA': Instead of the traditional baby shower, a scaled-back celebration of its life (regardless of how brief) is needed. Instead of major "fun" gifts, perhaps a fund could be set up and friends could donate to help pay for the medical expenses and the funeral. To ignore the situation is like pretending she isn't pregnant at all.

FROM 'NANCY IN GEORGIA': When my baby was stillborn, our friends donated books in his name to our local school or library. A memory note was placed in the front of each donation. It was a joyful way to remember a sad event.

FROM 'A GRANDMOTHER OF 27 IN MISSOURI': There are special clothing patterns for babies who are premature or stillborn. Parents need to see their baby as more than a naked little body. A baby dressed in a pretty outfit gives the parents a picture of their child to carry with them as they grieve. And a baby shower that would provide the hospital nursery a collection of these clothes for parents to choose from would be a blessing.

My thanks to all of you who took the time to write. I regret that space does not allow me to print more suggestions.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)