DEAR ABBY: "Caring Friend in California" was at a loss about whether to hold a baby shower for her friend, whose baby was not expected to make it through the gestation period. You advised her that rather than hold a shower, her friends should stay close and provide willing ears and shoulders to cry on.

A dear friend of my daughter's faced the same circumstances. We knew that if her baby survived delivery, it would be only a short time until the child was gone. What we did was to create a "memory box." We included a camera to take pictures of the baby, and a smaller version of a baby book to hold the footprints, hand prints, a lock of hair and, of course, the photos. We also bought the infant a cross as she was immediately baptized.

It gave the parents something to remember -– a special memory of their baby. It wouldn't hurt for "Caring Friend" to contact the hospital as well, as it may have something already set up for people facing these circumstances. -- HOPE IN MINNESOTA

DEAR HOPE: Those are wonderful suggestions. A woman named Michelle wrote me from Las Vegas to say that the March of Dimes has a bereavement packet that could be helpful. In addition to information regarding the loss, it contains a memory book for the lock of hair and/or footprint. The packet can be obtained from local March of Dimes offices. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My heart breaks for the friend who will soon lose the child she has grown to love. I have known many mothers and fathers who have lost children very young (even through miscarriage), and each one has treasured any reminder of the child they lost. Many hospitals have programs run by volunteers that provide a blanket and a tiny hat to be made available to the grieving parents. "Caring Friend" should give her friend the option of choosing gentle reminders of her love and strength in this time of need, or a small, quiet ceremony of her love to make things easier for her. My guess is she'll choose both. I know I would. -- MOTHER OF FOUR IN VIRGINIA

DEAR MOTHER OF FOUR: Thank you for the input. I have a stack of letters from readers echoing your sentiments and offering suggestions. Read on:

FROM 'BEEN THERE IN CANADA': Instead of the traditional baby shower, a scaled-back celebration of its life (regardless of how brief) is needed. Instead of major "fun" gifts, perhaps a fund could be set up and friends could donate to help pay for the medical expenses and the funeral. To ignore the situation is like pretending she isn't pregnant at all.

FROM 'NANCY IN GEORGIA': When my baby was stillborn, our friends donated books in his name to our local school or library. A memory note was placed in the front of each donation. It was a joyful way to remember a sad event.

FROM 'A GRANDMOTHER OF 27 IN MISSOURI': There are special clothing patterns for babies who are premature or stillborn. Parents need to see their baby as more than a naked little body. A baby dressed in a pretty outfit gives the parents a picture of their child to carry with them as they grieve. And a baby shower that would provide the hospital nursery a collection of these clothes for parents to choose from would be a blessing.

My thanks to all of you who took the time to write. I regret that space does not allow me to print more suggestions.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 26-year-old woman who has been married for a year and a half. After our wedding, my husband, "Wendell," and I moved 2 1/2 hours away from my hometown. I have a job in the catering business and my husband is a successful attorney. I'm happier now than I have ever been.

The problem is my mother, who has never stopped making me feel guilty about moving. Recently, Mom has become mean and offensive, saying maybe she should just forget about me rather than deal with the pain of my living so far away. She says she'd rather not see her future grandchildren at all if it's going to be only once or twice a month. Mother expects me to visit her whenever I have free time. She refuses to accept that I work full time and have responsibilities.

I have tried to reason with her; her only response is that I should move closer. I know she misses me, but I feel she is being unreasonable. I know of many other parents who have supported their children moving away. I'm afraid I'll lose my mother if I don't move closer. Can you give me some advice? -- MISSING MY MOM IN VIRGINIA

DEAR MISSING: Please don't sacrifice a life in which you are happier than you have ever been in order to please your mother. That you were able to marry and leave the nest is proof that she was successful as a parent. In some families, the umbilical cord is never severed -- it stays connected with chicken soup running in between -- and it's not healthy for anyone.

Your mother is suffering a sense of loss because, before you were married, her entire focus was on you. Many mothers are experts at the kind of manipulation you're experiencing, but you don't have to take the bait. Encourage her to become involved in activities and relationships that will be emotionally rewarding for her. When she starts threatening you with being forgotten, tell your mother that she may forget you but you will always love and remember her. When she says she'd rather not see her future grandchildren at all than once or twice a month, remind her that will mean a loss for everyone. But do not give in to emotional blackmail.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My father is upset with me and my sister-in-law because we don't ask his wife "Clarice" -- who is a hairdresser -- to cut, color or style our hair.

Clarice primarily services middle-aged and older females, who usually request haircuts and styles far different from what we want as young women. She does a great job as a stylist on that particular kind of client, but we're less confident in her skills with trendier styles and colors -- not because she's incapable, but because you become expert at what you do every day.

We have never discussed our feelings with Clarice; for years we just got our hair done elsewhere. Dad recently let us know that our choice of stylists has hurt his wife's feelings. We all love Clarice dearly and have a good relationship with her otherwise. Do we have a family obligation to use her services? How should this be addressed? -- FEELING TRAPPED IN GEORGIA

DEAR FEELING TRAPPED: It was wrong of your father to put you on the spot, but now that he has, you must talk to Clarice. Many women would rather curl up and "dye" than change hairdressers. Since you have a long-standing relationship with yours, explain that to Clarice. However, please keep in mind that a good hairdresser is more than a one-trick pony.

DEAR ABBY: I have a big decision to make and I need your help. I am from New York but I have lived in Virginia for 10 years. I moved after I got divorced and took my two boys with me.

I went home to New York for the holidays and now would like to move back because my parents and grandmother are getting old. I am 44; my boys are 19 and 21. The problem is, they don't want to go.

I have no life because all I do is take care of my boys. I make good money but I have nothing to show for it because of them. They use me. Both of them live with me and neither one helps with the bills. They both earn as much money as I do, but I am always sacrificing myself to give them money.

I can't take it anymore. I feel if I don't leave them, they'll never grow up. It pains me that I'll be so far away from them, but my brother has offered to sell me his house, and I really want to go. Please help. -- VACILLATING IN VIRGINIA

DEAR VACILLATING: Your "children" aren't children anymore. They are both self-supporting young men. The greatest gift a parent can give a child is independence. The longer you remain a crutch, the longer your sons will lean. If you want to be nearer to your family, for heaven's sake, go! You have the chance of a lifetime, and you should take it.

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for completely debasing the act of giving my best friend a pair of diamond earrings on her retirement last year. I find it reprehensible that you assume we had slept together or that we intend to. Is it really that incomprehensible that everything in this world is not about sex? -- INFURIATED IN BELTON, MO.

DEAR INFURIATED: The letter I printed wasn't from your wife. It came from a woman in Minnesota. Not only had her husband bought the woman diamond earrings, but he had also been buying her lingerie from Victoria's Secret. In addition, his wife had caught him lying about his relationship with the recipient. Cool off.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)