DEAR ABBY: My fiance's best friend, "Ted," accidentally shot himself in the head in front of another friend, "Matt." Matt blames himself for the accident, even though Ted survived and is doing OK.

Matt and Ted were drinking and looking at Ted's gun. The gun has a history of not ejecting the bullet when you want it to. Ted looked to see if the gun had any bullets in it, and it didn't, so Ted put the barrel to his head and pulled the trigger.

Matt feels that Ted blames him for what happened, although nobody blames him. It was just a stupid accident. Are there any support groups out there that my fiance and I can get Matt into? He's really messed up and needs to talk to someone. -- CARING FRIEND IN MONTANA

DEAR CARING FRIEND: Among the rules of responsible gun ownership are never to point the barrel at anyone and never to presume that the gun is empty. Ted is lucky his stupidity didn't cost him his life. If there is any support group I'd recommend for Matt -- and Ted, too, as soon as he's fully recovered -- it would be AA. It appears both of them have a serious problem with alcohol.

DEAR ABBY: Please print this cautionary tale of infidelity. It involves out-of-town professional conferences. In our small suburb, several marriages have ended on the basis of affairs that were born at these conferences.

In my case, my husband of 35 years confessed that he'd had an "emotional affair" with a single, professional colleague that endured for 20 years. While it was never sexual, they wrote each other letters and love poems -- boxes of them. (She addressed them to his business P.O. box.) They also exchanged gifts, including some he purchased for her during our family vacations and smuggled home.

The usual warning signs of infidelity were absent. There were no unexplained absences, no telephone receipts, no money missing from our joint account, no lipstick on his collars. The only clues were my husband's defensiveness -- and his vague complaints about "something" wrong with our marriage. Yet he refused marriage counseling. Our sex life became passionless, our communication nonexistent. However, to the outside world, we appeared to be a model couple.

My husband is ashamed and remorseful now. We're finally seeing a therapist, who is helping us rebuild our marriage. However, 20 years of deception are difficult to overcome.

My advice? If your mate is less than enthusiastic about having you accompany him or her on trips to professional gatherings, be suspicious. Go to counseling on your own, if need be. And do not be as trusting and naive as I was. If my spouse can cheat, anyone's can. -- SADDER BUT WISER IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR SADDER: As your letter shows, emotional affairs can be as devastating to a marriage as sexual ones. Although your spouse's affair occurred at business conferences, I receive many letters and e-mails regarding online affairs where the people don't always meet in person. The time and energy poured into these relationships are stolen from the spouse and family.

A THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Marriage is like an empty bowl; it will remain empty unless you put more into it than you take out. Although it is possible to give without loving, you cannot love without giving.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My oldest sister, "Daisy," is married to an emotionally unstable man. I'll call him Dwight. Dwight's claim to fame is bragging that he can kill people with his bare hands.

Last year, at a family get-together, he grabbed my sister-in-law "Myra" from behind without warning, pulling her hair, getting her into a choke hold and physically hurting her. Myra barely knows Dwight. She was terribly frightened and upset, and ended up pressing charges against him.

The next day I called and asked Daisy about it. Her reply was that Dwight often shows off his "abilities" by grabbing people. Abby, her husband is old enough to know better. He's in his late 50s, but Daisy's attitude was "boys will be boys."

Because Myra pressed charges, Dwight was arrested. Daisy hasn't spoken to me since. She won't return my phone calls or acknowledge birthday cards and has generally been giving me the silent treatment for a year. Is it right for her to hold me responsible, since it was Myra who pressed charges? -- SNUBBED SISTER IN BURBANK

DEAR SNUBBED SISTER: What Dwight did was childish and dangerous. Martial arts were intended as a form of self-defense, not a way of getting attention at social gatherings. For an adult to have such a lapse in judgment is shocking, and he deserved to be arrested. Your sister should direct her anger at her husband, where it belongs, instead of at you. Myra was right to press charges. I hope it taught Dwight a much-needed lesson.

DEAR ABBY: I am 41 years old and in my seventh month of pregnancy. I am a professional, the second-highest ranked woman in my office. I have prided myself on my professionalism during my pregnancy and didn't announce it until I was 21 weeks along.

One woman in my office insists on calling me "Little Mother" and rubbing my stomach. I am not comfortable with her touching my abdomen and have asked her not to refer to me as "Little Mother." I explained I didn't want others in the office to hear such comments.

Today, in our office lobby, she again made the "mommy" reference and rubbed my stomach -- with both hands. I lost it. I told her to stop it and leave my stomach alone. Now she gives me funny looks and says I am not happy being pregnant.

Abby, I have worked all through my pregnancy. I don't want anyone making a big deal of it. I feel the woman's conduct is unprofessional. I have tried hard not to let my pregnancy interfere with my work life, and I feel she is not allowing me the dignity and professional respect I deserve.

Where do people get the idea that rubbing a pregnant woman's stomach is acceptable? I wouldn't do that to someone I considered a friend, much less a co-worker. Ditto for the "Little Mother" comments. Your thoughts, please. -- PREGNANT PROFESSIONAL IN HOUSTON

DEAR PROFESSIONAL: Believe it or not, your complaint is not unusual. I have heard from many pregnant women complaining that people they barely know -- even complete strangers -- feel entitled to touch their abdomens. I have no idea why anyone would feel entitled to invade someone's personal space that way.

As to the "Little Mother" moniker -- since you have spoken to the woman and she persists, take her into your office and tell her in no uncertain terms that you consider her behavior disrespectful and unprofessional, and if she does it again you'll complain to the human resources department or the boss.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: About a year ago, a dear friend from childhood passed away. He was only 48. My husband, "Brian," and I attended his funeral. The sad event made me realize how short our lives are. On the drive home, Brian started asking me about my past -- the people I grew up with, went to school with, etc. I was so caught up in my feelings I thought this was the time to finally answer all of his questions, because I was feeling so grateful for him, our kids and our life.

Well, I told my husband too much. He asked me about my past romantic relationships, and I answered him honestly. Finally he said, "Since you are being so honest, I'm going to give you one more chance to tell all. If there is anything left to tell, say it now, and we will never have this conversation again."

Well, I had an affair more than 20 years ago -- we have been married more than 30 years -- and I confessed. It only happened once before I came to my senses and realized I was where I wanted to be.

Abby, Brian hit the roof! My life hasn't been the same since. Brian feels he has been disrespected, and he wants to kill the other man. He has become insecure. He calls to check on me at work, which he never used to do. Our marriage is terrible. Now I say hardly anything to him, because I feel he tricked me.

Bottom line: Don't tell your secrets. Keep them buried deep. Believe me, it's better for everyone concerned. -- DUPED IN DELAWARE

DEAR DUPED: Although the affair was over many years ago, your husband is reacting the way he is because, for him, hurt and betrayal are fresh. Of course he feels insecure. Many men feel that a woman who will cheat once won't hesitate to cheat again -- and in some cases, that's true.

If you value your marriage, rather than clamming up, you will drag your husband to a marriage counselor as soon as possible. You two have a lot of talking to each other to do, and it's best that you do it in front of a referee. Both of you need to understand why the affair happened in the first place, and what kind of a marriage you can have from now on. Do not blame your husband for the way he's feeling now. His feelings are justified.

DEAR ABBY: We recently went to a birthday party for our 1-year-old granddaughter. The parents had a large gathering with lots of adults and six other small children. It was a success and everyone had fun.

The birthday gifts were not opened until all the guests had left. Our daughter-in-law said she wanted to be able to keep track of who each present was from so she could write thank-you notes. However, I feel the guests should have been able to see our granddaughter's expression when she saw her gifts. I felt cheated not being able to see what gifts were given. Please give me your thoughts on this. -- MIFFED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR MIFFED: At 1 year of age, a child is more interested in the wrapping paper and the box than what came inside it. (So much for your granddaughter's expression when the gifts were opened.) Since you felt cheated at not being able to see what the other guests brought, perhaps the mother will allow you to help with the thank-you notes. That way you can see what the child received, and her load will be lightened.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)