DEAR ABBY: My oldest sister, "Daisy," is married to an emotionally unstable man. I'll call him Dwight. Dwight's claim to fame is bragging that he can kill people with his bare hands.

Last year, at a family get-together, he grabbed my sister-in-law "Myra" from behind without warning, pulling her hair, getting her into a choke hold and physically hurting her. Myra barely knows Dwight. She was terribly frightened and upset, and ended up pressing charges against him.

The next day I called and asked Daisy about it. Her reply was that Dwight often shows off his "abilities" by grabbing people. Abby, her husband is old enough to know better. He's in his late 50s, but Daisy's attitude was "boys will be boys."

Because Myra pressed charges, Dwight was arrested. Daisy hasn't spoken to me since. She won't return my phone calls or acknowledge birthday cards and has generally been giving me the silent treatment for a year. Is it right for her to hold me responsible, since it was Myra who pressed charges? -- SNUBBED SISTER IN BURBANK

DEAR SNUBBED SISTER: What Dwight did was childish and dangerous. Martial arts were intended as a form of self-defense, not a way of getting attention at social gatherings. For an adult to have such a lapse in judgment is shocking, and he deserved to be arrested. Your sister should direct her anger at her husband, where it belongs, instead of at you. Myra was right to press charges. I hope it taught Dwight a much-needed lesson.

DEAR ABBY: I am 41 years old and in my seventh month of pregnancy. I am a professional, the second-highest ranked woman in my office. I have prided myself on my professionalism during my pregnancy and didn't announce it until I was 21 weeks along.

One woman in my office insists on calling me "Little Mother" and rubbing my stomach. I am not comfortable with her touching my abdomen and have asked her not to refer to me as "Little Mother." I explained I didn't want others in the office to hear such comments.

Today, in our office lobby, she again made the "mommy" reference and rubbed my stomach -- with both hands. I lost it. I told her to stop it and leave my stomach alone. Now she gives me funny looks and says I am not happy being pregnant.

Abby, I have worked all through my pregnancy. I don't want anyone making a big deal of it. I feel the woman's conduct is unprofessional. I have tried hard not to let my pregnancy interfere with my work life, and I feel she is not allowing me the dignity and professional respect I deserve.

Where do people get the idea that rubbing a pregnant woman's stomach is acceptable? I wouldn't do that to someone I considered a friend, much less a co-worker. Ditto for the "Little Mother" comments. Your thoughts, please. -- PREGNANT PROFESSIONAL IN HOUSTON

DEAR PROFESSIONAL: Believe it or not, your complaint is not unusual. I have heard from many pregnant women complaining that people they barely know -- even complete strangers -- feel entitled to touch their abdomens. I have no idea why anyone would feel entitled to invade someone's personal space that way.

As to the "Little Mother" moniker -- since you have spoken to the woman and she persists, take her into your office and tell her in no uncertain terms that you consider her behavior disrespectful and unprofessional, and if she does it again you'll complain to the human resources department or the boss.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: About a year ago, a dear friend from childhood passed away. He was only 48. My husband, "Brian," and I attended his funeral. The sad event made me realize how short our lives are. On the drive home, Brian started asking me about my past -- the people I grew up with, went to school with, etc. I was so caught up in my feelings I thought this was the time to finally answer all of his questions, because I was feeling so grateful for him, our kids and our life.

Well, I told my husband too much. He asked me about my past romantic relationships, and I answered him honestly. Finally he said, "Since you are being so honest, I'm going to give you one more chance to tell all. If there is anything left to tell, say it now, and we will never have this conversation again."

Well, I had an affair more than 20 years ago -- we have been married more than 30 years -- and I confessed. It only happened once before I came to my senses and realized I was where I wanted to be.

Abby, Brian hit the roof! My life hasn't been the same since. Brian feels he has been disrespected, and he wants to kill the other man. He has become insecure. He calls to check on me at work, which he never used to do. Our marriage is terrible. Now I say hardly anything to him, because I feel he tricked me.

Bottom line: Don't tell your secrets. Keep them buried deep. Believe me, it's better for everyone concerned. -- DUPED IN DELAWARE

DEAR DUPED: Although the affair was over many years ago, your husband is reacting the way he is because, for him, hurt and betrayal are fresh. Of course he feels insecure. Many men feel that a woman who will cheat once won't hesitate to cheat again -- and in some cases, that's true.

If you value your marriage, rather than clamming up, you will drag your husband to a marriage counselor as soon as possible. You two have a lot of talking to each other to do, and it's best that you do it in front of a referee. Both of you need to understand why the affair happened in the first place, and what kind of a marriage you can have from now on. Do not blame your husband for the way he's feeling now. His feelings are justified.

DEAR ABBY: We recently went to a birthday party for our 1-year-old granddaughter. The parents had a large gathering with lots of adults and six other small children. It was a success and everyone had fun.

The birthday gifts were not opened until all the guests had left. Our daughter-in-law said she wanted to be able to keep track of who each present was from so she could write thank-you notes. However, I feel the guests should have been able to see our granddaughter's expression when she saw her gifts. I felt cheated not being able to see what gifts were given. Please give me your thoughts on this. -- MIFFED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR MIFFED: At 1 year of age, a child is more interested in the wrapping paper and the box than what came inside it. (So much for your granddaughter's expression when the gifts were opened.) Since you felt cheated at not being able to see what the other guests brought, perhaps the mother will allow you to help with the thank-you notes. That way you can see what the child received, and her load will be lightened.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am ashamed to admit this, but after 20 years of marriage, my husband told me that he was meant to have a woman's body. My self-confidence is destroyed. Our children are suffering in every aspect of their lives. I cannot grasp my husband's revelation, as I love him still. I also accept that this is something I cannot change, but ever since we separated, the men I have dated have all turned out to be gay.

Is it me? Am I cursed? Or do I curse others? -- DEVASTATED IN DETROIT

DEAR DEVASTATED: This has nothing to do with you, and there are no curses involved. Your husband was born the wrong gender, and it's nobody's "fault."

Counseling can help you come to grips with this issue. Since your husband is considering gender reassignment, it follows that he is seeing a therapist. You need help, too. I recommend that you ask his therapist to refer you to a psychologist or psychiatrist who is knowledgeable about transgender issues.

DEAR ABBY: I am in college, and four out of five of my roommates smoke. About two-thirds of my friends are smokers, too. They all know it's bad for them, but it is hard to quit.

I see cigarette packs and lighters lying around and I am very tempted to start smoking. I don't know why, because I know it's unhealthy. I have never smoked, but I'm afraid that I'll start soon. How can I make the right decision? -- NAIL-BITING IN ROCHESTER, N.Y.

DEAR NAIL-BITING: Making "the right decision" will be easier if you remove yourself from temptation. Request a change of living quarters to accommodations that are strictly nonsmoking, because research has proven that secondhand smoke can make you sick.

"A stitch in time saves nine," and the sagest advice I can offer is not to start smoking in the first place. Tobacco is a nasty addiction to kick -- witness your friends and acquaintances who would quit if they could. When the urge is strong, picture yourself attached to an oxygen tank trying desperately to inhale oxygen into tobacco-damaged lungs. Not a pretty picture. Be smart; don't start.

DEAR ABBY: I am 16 and the mother of a beautiful little boy. His father is no longer in the picture.

There is a man in my life who loves my son and me very much. I'll call him Joe. Joe and I have been together for eight incredible months, and he recently proposed to me. One week later, I caught him cheating on me. I was heartbroken and didn't know what to do. Joe told me how sorry he was and begged me to give him another chance. I agreed.

But, Abby, things don't seem the same anymore. It feels like I'm the only one trying in this relationship. I realize I also have to consider my son. Was I wrong to give him a second chance? -- CONFUSED IN RENO, NEV.

DEAR CONFUSED: Yes. A man who is sincerely in love, and mature enough for marriage and fatherhood, does not cheat a week after he proposes. You are only 16. It's time to step back and consider how you plan to raise your son. It is vital that you complete your education so you are able to support yourself and your child. Only when you are financially independent should you consider marriage to anyone.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)