DEAR ABBY: I am ashamed to admit this, but after 20 years of marriage, my husband told me that he was meant to have a woman's body. My self-confidence is destroyed. Our children are suffering in every aspect of their lives. I cannot grasp my husband's revelation, as I love him still. I also accept that this is something I cannot change, but ever since we separated, the men I have dated have all turned out to be gay.

Is it me? Am I cursed? Or do I curse others? -- DEVASTATED IN DETROIT

DEAR DEVASTATED: This has nothing to do with you, and there are no curses involved. Your husband was born the wrong gender, and it's nobody's "fault."

Counseling can help you come to grips with this issue. Since your husband is considering gender reassignment, it follows that he is seeing a therapist. You need help, too. I recommend that you ask his therapist to refer you to a psychologist or psychiatrist who is knowledgeable about transgender issues.

DEAR ABBY: I am in college, and four out of five of my roommates smoke. About two-thirds of my friends are smokers, too. They all know it's bad for them, but it is hard to quit.

I see cigarette packs and lighters lying around and I am very tempted to start smoking. I don't know why, because I know it's unhealthy. I have never smoked, but I'm afraid that I'll start soon. How can I make the right decision? -- NAIL-BITING IN ROCHESTER, N.Y.

DEAR NAIL-BITING: Making "the right decision" will be easier if you remove yourself from temptation. Request a change of living quarters to accommodations that are strictly nonsmoking, because research has proven that secondhand smoke can make you sick.

"A stitch in time saves nine," and the sagest advice I can offer is not to start smoking in the first place. Tobacco is a nasty addiction to kick -- witness your friends and acquaintances who would quit if they could. When the urge is strong, picture yourself attached to an oxygen tank trying desperately to inhale oxygen into tobacco-damaged lungs. Not a pretty picture. Be smart; don't start.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Confused in Quito, Ecuador" complained that when she says, "I love you," her boyfriend's response is, "I love you more." She asked what made him feel he had to "best" her in this. Please let her know it's possible he's only repeating an endearment that means, "My love for you is so immense it has no bounds."

I'd bet my next paycheck that the young man has no intention of trying to "top" her, but instead feels he's giving her the highest compliment he can. -- RUTH IN BRANDON, MISS.

DEAR RUTH: I agree. However, you would not believe the letters and e-mails that "Confused's" question generated!

Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Confused" shouldn't be offended. I have a 10-year-old son, and that is one of our standard routines at bedtime. We always tell each other we love each other when we kiss goodnight. The fun is seeing who can tell the other that we love each other more, until finally one of us says, "I love you more than anyone can love anyone in the whole wide world."

Please urge "Confused" not to make a competition out of it, and just enjoy the fact that he "loves her more." -- LOVED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR LOVED: My mail indicates that the "I love you more" game is a tradition in many families.

DEAR ABBY: "Confused" should listen to her instincts. If her boyfriend feels the need to compete with her and "win" in other areas, too, it could be a warning sign of a potential abuser. When I was a domestic violence advocate, this was one of the "little" signs we told clients to watch out for. -- SHERRI IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR SHERRI: Thank you for lending another point of view.

DEAR ABBY: I hope "Confused" ends her relationship with that young man and allows him the freedom to find someone who truly appreciates him. Shortly before my daughter's wedding, she and her fiance were in her car driving home when she said, "I love you." He replied, "I love you more." Thus was born the theme for their wedding. They had their wedding bands engraved with the phrase, and I embroidered it on the ring bearer's pillow. Two children later, they're still saying it and blissfully happy. -- JOAN IN WATKINSVILLE, GA.

DEAR JOAN: What a beautiful way to memorialize a wedding ceremony.

DEAR ABBY: I sure wish I had that girl's problem. My husband of 27 years hasn't said "I love you" to me in more than 20 of them. He tells our sons and our dogs how much he loves them, but I never receive any words of affection from him. What I wouldn't give to hear my husband say those three little words. -- LONELY IN LAGUNA

DEAR LONELY: There is a reason why, seven years into your marriage, your husband withdrew and became emotionally withholding. Until you bring the issue out into the open, nothing will change. Not only do you need to understand the reason for your husband's behavior, it would also be helpful to understand why you have tolerated it for so long. Offer him the option of discussing it with a marriage counselor. If he refuses, go without him. I guarantee you'll get an education.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter and my husband had the same ritual. Whichever one said, "I love you," the other would respond, "I love you more."

After raising eight children, my husband died of cancer at the age of 59. On his tombstone, in addition to the data, is the endearment "MORE." -- MARJORIE IN ELGIN, ILL.

DEAR MARJORIE: And a fitting epitaph it is.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been married almost two years and am having problems with my wife's male friends. She has never had a lot of female friends, and she has had physical relationships with some of her male friends in the past.

We have had several arguments over her relationships with these men and my inability to trust them. I agree with her on that point; however, I would feel awkward if she confided in a male friend if she and I ever got into a tiff.

I am really troubled by this. I believe it opens a window of opportunity for the guy to make advances when she's at a low point. I recently was forwarded an e-mail from one of her male friends that referred to her as "Sweetie" and "Puddin' Pop." Is that right? Should I confront her on this? What should I do? -- UNEASY IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR UNEASY: Do not "confront" your wife, but do discuss your feelings with her. That you are uneasy about her continuing a relationship with old lovers is understandable. However, to expect a woman who has always related better to men than to women to forgo friendships with men seems unrealistic.

It is important that you evaluate what is (or isn't) going on with your wife that has aroused your insecurities. "Sweetie" and "Puddin' Pop" are familiarities, but they're a far cry from "My Darling," or something more explicit. I know several people who call everyone "Sweetheart," "Honey" or "Sweet Pea." I suspect it's because they aren't very good at remembering names.

Please talk this out with your wife. You married someone who had a life before she met you. Neither one of you was born yesterday. She was honest with you about it. Trust her unless she gives you reason not to do so.

DEAR ABBY: I have met the woman of my dreams, the one who was made just for me, and the one I was made for. I am 29 and shy by nature. Before meeting "Jane," I never had a long-term relationship. Nothing lasted more than two dates. I never took the chance because I was afraid of getting hurt.

Jane, on the other hand, is the opposite. She has had boyfriends since the age of 13.

We are both having trouble forgetting the past. Although I know Jane loves me and her ex's mean nothing to her now, she still mentions their names in passing every so often. She still has photos of them, old letters, gifts, etc. It's a constant reminder of her past, and of mine, which was alone and depressed.

Just thinking about Jane in another man's arms, and how alone I was, tears me up inside. Why does she have these old things if I am supposed to be her true love? She never speaks of them with longing, but her talking about them at all is hurtful to me. How can I get past her past and move on with the present? -- WANTS NO REMINDERS

DEAR WANTS NO REMINDERS: Many people keep mementoes because they are souvenirs of happy times or memories. I'm sorry your past was lonely and sad, but for you to expect your girlfriend to come down with amnesia is unrealistic. Since the souvenirs bother you, tell Jane how you feel. If she cares about your feelings, she'll put them away and store them with other dusty memorabilia.

When you feel yourself dwelling on the past, remember this: Most people are as happy as they make their minds up to be. Concentrate on the present, and the future will take care of itself. The surest way to trip yourself up is to keep looking over your shoulder. Please don't make that mistake, or you'll ruin a good thing.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)