DEAR ABBY: "Confused in Quito, Ecuador" complained that when she says, "I love you," her boyfriend's response is, "I love you more." She asked what made him feel he had to "best" her in this. Please let her know it's possible he's only repeating an endearment that means, "My love for you is so immense it has no bounds."

I'd bet my next paycheck that the young man has no intention of trying to "top" her, but instead feels he's giving her the highest compliment he can. -- RUTH IN BRANDON, MISS.

DEAR RUTH: I agree. However, you would not believe the letters and e-mails that "Confused's" question generated!

Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Confused" shouldn't be offended. I have a 10-year-old son, and that is one of our standard routines at bedtime. We always tell each other we love each other when we kiss goodnight. The fun is seeing who can tell the other that we love each other more, until finally one of us says, "I love you more than anyone can love anyone in the whole wide world."

Please urge "Confused" not to make a competition out of it, and just enjoy the fact that he "loves her more." -- LOVED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR LOVED: My mail indicates that the "I love you more" game is a tradition in many families.

DEAR ABBY: "Confused" should listen to her instincts. If her boyfriend feels the need to compete with her and "win" in other areas, too, it could be a warning sign of a potential abuser. When I was a domestic violence advocate, this was one of the "little" signs we told clients to watch out for. -- SHERRI IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR SHERRI: Thank you for lending another point of view.

DEAR ABBY: I hope "Confused" ends her relationship with that young man and allows him the freedom to find someone who truly appreciates him. Shortly before my daughter's wedding, she and her fiance were in her car driving home when she said, "I love you." He replied, "I love you more." Thus was born the theme for their wedding. They had their wedding bands engraved with the phrase, and I embroidered it on the ring bearer's pillow. Two children later, they're still saying it and blissfully happy. -- JOAN IN WATKINSVILLE, GA.

DEAR JOAN: What a beautiful way to memorialize a wedding ceremony.

DEAR ABBY: I sure wish I had that girl's problem. My husband of 27 years hasn't said "I love you" to me in more than 20 of them. He tells our sons and our dogs how much he loves them, but I never receive any words of affection from him. What I wouldn't give to hear my husband say those three little words. -- LONELY IN LAGUNA

DEAR LONELY: There is a reason why, seven years into your marriage, your husband withdrew and became emotionally withholding. Until you bring the issue out into the open, nothing will change. Not only do you need to understand the reason for your husband's behavior, it would also be helpful to understand why you have tolerated it for so long. Offer him the option of discussing it with a marriage counselor. If he refuses, go without him. I guarantee you'll get an education.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter and my husband had the same ritual. Whichever one said, "I love you," the other would respond, "I love you more."

After raising eight children, my husband died of cancer at the age of 59. On his tombstone, in addition to the data, is the endearment "MORE." -- MARJORIE IN ELGIN, ILL.

DEAR MARJORIE: And a fitting epitaph it is.

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DEAR ABBY: I have been married almost two years and am having problems with my wife's male friends. She has never had a lot of female friends, and she has had physical relationships with some of her male friends in the past.

We have had several arguments over her relationships with these men and my inability to trust them. I agree with her on that point; however, I would feel awkward if she confided in a male friend if she and I ever got into a tiff.

I am really troubled by this. I believe it opens a window of opportunity for the guy to make advances when she's at a low point. I recently was forwarded an e-mail from one of her male friends that referred to her as "Sweetie" and "Puddin' Pop." Is that right? Should I confront her on this? What should I do? -- UNEASY IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR UNEASY: Do not "confront" your wife, but do discuss your feelings with her. That you are uneasy about her continuing a relationship with old lovers is understandable. However, to expect a woman who has always related better to men than to women to forgo friendships with men seems unrealistic.

It is important that you evaluate what is (or isn't) going on with your wife that has aroused your insecurities. "Sweetie" and "Puddin' Pop" are familiarities, but they're a far cry from "My Darling," or something more explicit. I know several people who call everyone "Sweetheart," "Honey" or "Sweet Pea." I suspect it's because they aren't very good at remembering names.

Please talk this out with your wife. You married someone who had a life before she met you. Neither one of you was born yesterday. She was honest with you about it. Trust her unless she gives you reason not to do so.

DEAR ABBY: I have met the woman of my dreams, the one who was made just for me, and the one I was made for. I am 29 and shy by nature. Before meeting "Jane," I never had a long-term relationship. Nothing lasted more than two dates. I never took the chance because I was afraid of getting hurt.

Jane, on the other hand, is the opposite. She has had boyfriends since the age of 13.

We are both having trouble forgetting the past. Although I know Jane loves me and her ex's mean nothing to her now, she still mentions their names in passing every so often. She still has photos of them, old letters, gifts, etc. It's a constant reminder of her past, and of mine, which was alone and depressed.

Just thinking about Jane in another man's arms, and how alone I was, tears me up inside. Why does she have these old things if I am supposed to be her true love? She never speaks of them with longing, but her talking about them at all is hurtful to me. How can I get past her past and move on with the present? -- WANTS NO REMINDERS

DEAR WANTS NO REMINDERS: Many people keep mementoes because they are souvenirs of happy times or memories. I'm sorry your past was lonely and sad, but for you to expect your girlfriend to come down with amnesia is unrealistic. Since the souvenirs bother you, tell Jane how you feel. If she cares about your feelings, she'll put them away and store them with other dusty memorabilia.

When you feel yourself dwelling on the past, remember this: Most people are as happy as they make their minds up to be. Concentrate on the present, and the future will take care of itself. The surest way to trip yourself up is to keep looking over your shoulder. Please don't make that mistake, or you'll ruin a good thing.

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DEAR ABBY: I was molested at the age of 9. It went on for about five years. Eventually the man who molested me also raped me. I tried numerous times to tell my mother, but she would never believe me. I even went to the school counselor.

My mother had a serious alcohol problem and didn't seem to realize what was going on. "Ronny," the man who raped me, used to beat my mother until she was unconscious -- and then call me in and tell me it was my fault for telling on him, and that I should let him do what he wanted or he would hurt my mother again. Because I was only 9, I felt like I had to protect her.

Ronny has since passed away, but I am still scarred by what happened to me. My mother has never forgiven herself for not believing me, and I have suppressed much of what happened. I am scared that one day all of those memories are going to come flooding back and hurt me all over again.

What do you think I should do? Should I leave the memories buried, or find a way to get them out and move on? I have a very understanding man in my life, and we are engaged to be married. Please help me. -- WANTS TO MOVE ON IN HOUSTON

DEAR WANTS TO MOVE ON: The best way to start a new life is to leave the baggage from the old one behind. You were manipulated and victimized by a monster, and counseling can help you to close that horrendous chapter in your life forever.

I received the following letter the morning after yours arrived. Please read it:

DEAR ABBY: I was raped at 13. The only person I told was a girlfriend, who told me it was my fault because I was too outspoken and attractive. After that, I developed a severe social phobia and became shy and nearly housebound. I could barely talk to people my own age, let alone make friends or date.

In college, I finally sought counseling and began to realize that what happened to me wasn't my fault. I had to decide whether or not I was going to sacrifice more precious years to my fears or move beyond them.

Having been sexually violated is still something I deal with, but I have great friends, a wonderful and understanding man in my life, and the confidence to try to improve myself.

Everyone who has been sexually violated needs to talk to a professional. At the very least, a child should talk to an adult. It takes a long time to get over being raped, but with the right help it doesn't have to take 10 years. -- NOT AFRAID ANYMORE

DEAR NOT AFRAID: Congratulations for finding the courage to reach out and get the help you needed. I hope other victims of sexual assault will see your letter and learn from it that they were not at fault for the crime that happened to them, and that help is available if they will only reach out. Here's how: Pick up the phone and call 800-656-4673. It's the toll-free number for the Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network (R.A.I.N.N.), and callers will automatically be connected to a crisis center in their area.

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