DEAR ABBY: I have been married almost two years and am having problems with my wife's male friends. She has never had a lot of female friends, and she has had physical relationships with some of her male friends in the past.

We have had several arguments over her relationships with these men and my inability to trust them. I agree with her on that point; however, I would feel awkward if she confided in a male friend if she and I ever got into a tiff.

I am really troubled by this. I believe it opens a window of opportunity for the guy to make advances when she's at a low point. I recently was forwarded an e-mail from one of her male friends that referred to her as "Sweetie" and "Puddin' Pop." Is that right? Should I confront her on this? What should I do? -- UNEASY IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR UNEASY: Do not "confront" your wife, but do discuss your feelings with her. That you are uneasy about her continuing a relationship with old lovers is understandable. However, to expect a woman who has always related better to men than to women to forgo friendships with men seems unrealistic.

It is important that you evaluate what is (or isn't) going on with your wife that has aroused your insecurities. "Sweetie" and "Puddin' Pop" are familiarities, but they're a far cry from "My Darling," or something more explicit. I know several people who call everyone "Sweetheart," "Honey" or "Sweet Pea." I suspect it's because they aren't very good at remembering names.

Please talk this out with your wife. You married someone who had a life before she met you. Neither one of you was born yesterday. She was honest with you about it. Trust her unless she gives you reason not to do so.

DEAR ABBY: I have met the woman of my dreams, the one who was made just for me, and the one I was made for. I am 29 and shy by nature. Before meeting "Jane," I never had a long-term relationship. Nothing lasted more than two dates. I never took the chance because I was afraid of getting hurt.

Jane, on the other hand, is the opposite. She has had boyfriends since the age of 13.

We are both having trouble forgetting the past. Although I know Jane loves me and her ex's mean nothing to her now, she still mentions their names in passing every so often. She still has photos of them, old letters, gifts, etc. It's a constant reminder of her past, and of mine, which was alone and depressed.

Just thinking about Jane in another man's arms, and how alone I was, tears me up inside. Why does she have these old things if I am supposed to be her true love? She never speaks of them with longing, but her talking about them at all is hurtful to me. How can I get past her past and move on with the present? -- WANTS NO REMINDERS

DEAR WANTS NO REMINDERS: Many people keep mementoes because they are souvenirs of happy times or memories. I'm sorry your past was lonely and sad, but for you to expect your girlfriend to come down with amnesia is unrealistic. Since the souvenirs bother you, tell Jane how you feel. If she cares about your feelings, she'll put them away and store them with other dusty memorabilia.

When you feel yourself dwelling on the past, remember this: Most people are as happy as they make their minds up to be. Concentrate on the present, and the future will take care of itself. The surest way to trip yourself up is to keep looking over your shoulder. Please don't make that mistake, or you'll ruin a good thing.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I was molested at the age of 9. It went on for about five years. Eventually the man who molested me also raped me. I tried numerous times to tell my mother, but she would never believe me. I even went to the school counselor.

My mother had a serious alcohol problem and didn't seem to realize what was going on. "Ronny," the man who raped me, used to beat my mother until she was unconscious -- and then call me in and tell me it was my fault for telling on him, and that I should let him do what he wanted or he would hurt my mother again. Because I was only 9, I felt like I had to protect her.

Ronny has since passed away, but I am still scarred by what happened to me. My mother has never forgiven herself for not believing me, and I have suppressed much of what happened. I am scared that one day all of those memories are going to come flooding back and hurt me all over again.

What do you think I should do? Should I leave the memories buried, or find a way to get them out and move on? I have a very understanding man in my life, and we are engaged to be married. Please help me. -- WANTS TO MOVE ON IN HOUSTON

DEAR WANTS TO MOVE ON: The best way to start a new life is to leave the baggage from the old one behind. You were manipulated and victimized by a monster, and counseling can help you to close that horrendous chapter in your life forever.

I received the following letter the morning after yours arrived. Please read it:

DEAR ABBY: I was raped at 13. The only person I told was a girlfriend, who told me it was my fault because I was too outspoken and attractive. After that, I developed a severe social phobia and became shy and nearly housebound. I could barely talk to people my own age, let alone make friends or date.

In college, I finally sought counseling and began to realize that what happened to me wasn't my fault. I had to decide whether or not I was going to sacrifice more precious years to my fears or move beyond them.

Having been sexually violated is still something I deal with, but I have great friends, a wonderful and understanding man in my life, and the confidence to try to improve myself.

Everyone who has been sexually violated needs to talk to a professional. At the very least, a child should talk to an adult. It takes a long time to get over being raped, but with the right help it doesn't have to take 10 years. -- NOT AFRAID ANYMORE

DEAR NOT AFRAID: Congratulations for finding the courage to reach out and get the help you needed. I hope other victims of sexual assault will see your letter and learn from it that they were not at fault for the crime that happened to them, and that help is available if they will only reach out. Here's how: Pick up the phone and call 800-656-4673. It's the toll-free number for the Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network (R.A.I.N.N.), and callers will automatically be connected to a crisis center in their area.

CONFIDENTIAL TO FEELING BEATEN DOWN: There is an old Japanese proverb: "Fall seven times, get up eight." Who knows? The road to success may be just around the corner. Wouldn't you be dismayed to realize that it was right in front of you, and you had stopped before you reached it?

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: My companion, "Sharon," and I are seniors and widowed. Sharon has an identical twin, "Karen." The sisters had scheduled some cosmetic surgery, nothing major -- just a "nip" here and a "tuck" there.

Now Karen has informed Sharon that because of some sudden and unexpected financial difficulties, she's unable to go ahead with the surgery.

Sharon now feels that she should cancel her surgery because she's afraid they will no longer look alike, and she feels it would be unfair to Karen.

I am neutral. I find Sharon beautiful as she is. However, I know that she is very disappointed. What do you or your identical twin readers think? Should Sharon have the surgery? -- IN LOVE WITH SHARON

DEAR IN LOVE: In the era in which your companion was raised, identical twins were encouraged to accentuate their similarities. (Thankfully, that practice has changed in recent decades, and twins are now encouraged to develop as individuals.)

If identical twinship is important to Sharon, she should not have the surgery. It could make her feel guilty, and her twin feel abandoned. She is wise to carefully consider all the ramifications.

DEAR ABBY: Please help me handle this mess. I have two daughters, "Rina" and "Diana," who are both in their 20s. Diana, my younger daughter, has two children. She's constantly trying to push her little girls onto me while she works. I love them, but my health isn't all that great. If I turn Diana down, she accuses me of not being a good mother or grandma.

When Rina and Diana argue, they constantly try to put me in the middle. They get angry at me when I refuse to take sides. Please help me. I can't watch my grandkids seven days a week, and I'm sick of being forced to referee in my daughters' battles. -- TIRED OF BEING A PUSHOVER, RIDGELAND, S.C.

DEAR PUSHOVER: Your health must come first. Unless you stand up for yourself, you'll get no respect from either of your daughters. You ARE a good mother -- you raised the children you brought into this world. Now it's Diana's turn. Tell her plainly which days you are willing/able to watch your granddaughters and that she must make other arrangements the rest of the week. Do not waver and do not apologize. Because someone calls you a "bad mother" or "bad grandma" does not make you one.

While you're at it, the next time your daughters try to put you in the middle of their arguments, tell them they're both adults, and it's time they acted like it and solved their own problems. It's the truth.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in love with a woman 12 years my junior. She is beautiful, caring, intelligent, but above all, she wants a baby. I am finished with babies. I raised three children as a single parent. We both understand each other's needs, but that doesn't solve the dilemma.

We broke up recently, and I miss her so much it hurts; however, I still can't imagine raising more children unless they're my grandkids. Any ideas? -- BETWEEN A ROCK-A-BYE AND A HARD PLACE

DEAR BETWEEN: From your description of the lady, she'd probably make a wonderful mother. And that should be her privilege. However, unless you can find it in your heart to change your mind about fatherhood, please let her find a man whose dreams are compatible with her own.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)