DEAR ABBY: I am a 10-year-old girl who has been playing after school on a Web site for pet lovers. I like to talk to kids older than me -- 14- or- 15-year-olds. A lot of the boys I've talked to have asked for my picture, so I went to Google and found a picture of a pretty blond girl around 15 years old. I have been sending this picture to all the people who have asked me for one.

My mom looked into my e-mail and saw what I had done. Now she won't allow me on that site or to send pictures, either my own or a stranger's, to anyone.

Was she right to look at my e-mail? Is it really dangerous to do what I did? -- GROUNDED IN ORINDA, CALIF.

DEAR GROUNDED: Yes, and yes! When someone asks for your picture, that person is interested in more than just talking about pets. Although you are intelligent, at age 10 you are not experienced enough to be in a relationship with boys who are 14 and 15. And on some level, I think you are already aware of it, or you would not have sent out pictures of a pretty blond teenage girl who is older. You are lucky to have a mother who is vigilant and protective of your safety. She may have helped you dodge a bullet.

DEAR ABBY: After reading the responses to "All Tipped Out's" letter, I was reminded of a question that I have.

I frequent a certain nightclub, and in the ladies' room there is an array of toiletries and breath mints. There is also a tip jar and an attendant. I visit the club almost every week, and sometimes I leave a tip and sometimes I don't.

One night I was merely looking at a bottle of cologne and the attendant screamed at me that I could use it only if I left a tip. Another time, I saw a girl eat one of the mints, and the woman demanded money for it.

Was this appropriate? I was under the impression that, because I pay a cover charge to get into the club, I was not obligated to put money in the tip jar -- even if I used the cologne. Besides, doesn't the club pay for the cologne and candy? -- WOULD LIKE TO KNOW

DEAR WOULD: The club may pay minimum wage to the attendant, but the supplies she brings -- the makeup, perfume, gum, candy, etc., are paid for by the attendant. They are her "concession," and her chance to make extra money. The cover charge you pay to get into the club does not include those "extras," so if you use them, you should give the person who provides them a gratuity.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been invited to a wedding -- sort of. The bride and groom planned this wedding before the groom's divorce was final. It still isn't final, but the couple has decided to go ahead with the affair, minus the ceremony.

My boyfriend is in the "bridal party" and has to rent a tuxedo. I have already spent a lot of money on a beautiful dress.

Must we also buy this couple a wedding gift? They are not actually being married at this time. My thought is to hold off until they actually tie the knot. What do you think? -- DOESN'T WANT TO BE CHEAP IN NYC

DEAR DOESN'T: What you have described is not a wedding -- it's a costume party. Give them a token gift, and if the marriage ever happens, send them something when it's official.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: You gave a kindly response to "Missing My Mom," the woman who went ahead with her 5-year-old's birthday party two days after her own mother's death. Had you faulted her, it would have added to the guilt she's already feeling. However, had I been in that woman's shoes, I would have postponed the party for several weeks. The loss of one's parent certainly takes precedence over a child's birthday party -- and it would have been a good lesson in values for the little one. -- 89-YEAR-OLD READER IN NORTH ROYALTON, OHIO

DEAR READER: I responded as I did because I feel that no child of 5 should be forced to associate her special day with death and mourning if it is avoidable. Read on for a sample of what other readers had to say on the subject:

DEAR ABBY: The day I buried my 17-year-old son was my niece's birthday. She was just a year and a day younger than her cousin. After the funeral, I had an impromptu party for her. She's an adult now with children of her own, but she has never forgotten. To this day she thanks me for thinking about her even though I was grieving. I believe that life must go on. We can't do anything about our loved one's death except celebrate the precious time we had with them here on Earth. -- LOVING AUNT IN COLORADO

DEAR LOVING AUNT: My dear grandmother, Rose Phillips, shared your philosophy. You have much in common. She was a strong matriarch who always looked forward, and lived to be 103.

DEAR ABBY: Please remind that mother in Maine that Jacqueline Kennedy gave her little boy a party a few days after her husband was assassinated. I think "Missing My Mom" was in good company. -- NANCY IN KATY, TEXAS

DEAR NANCY: Several other readers also pointed that out.

DEAR ABBY: I lost my mother in February of 2002, and my granddaughter had her birthday party the same week. My daughter asked me, "Are you sure, Mom?" I said, "Yes, I want to carry on 'Nana's' wonderful spirit of family first!" (My mother always put family first.)

I found it comforting to have my family around me when I was at one of the lowest points in my life. Yes, "Missing My Mom" made the right choice. My heart goes out to her. I'm sure her mother would be proud of her for thinking of others. -- J.H., PEORIA, ILL.

DEAR J.H: I couldn't agree more.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Missing My Mom" brought back fond memories of my aunt's birthday party two years ago. One month before, my grandmother had to be placed in a nursing home due to failing health. A surprise birthday celebration was planned for my aunt at the nursing home so our beloved Grandma could be included. Sadly, two days before the party, she passed away.

Our first instinct, of course, was to cancel the birthday party. However, after asking everyone, we decided to go ahead with it. It lifted our spirits and cleared our minds for a little while amidst the planning of the funeral and the sadness that consumed us. That birthday party was the best thing we could have done. It was, after all, a celebration of life.

I just want "Missing My Mom" to know that she did the right thing. -- STILL MISSING GRANDMA IN OHIO

DEAR STILL: You're so right. Life is a gift, and we should treasure each precious moment that's given to us.

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DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Richard" for three years. I am 27 and he is 25. We have talked about settling down for quite a while now.

A month ago, Richard asked me to marry him. We have looked at engagement rings in the past, and he knows my taste. However, he decided it would only be right to let his parents know about his decision. His mother, "Irene," asked him how much he planned to spend for a ring. He told her $2,000 to $3,000, and she said that was too much money. She added that he should buy me something little now, and in a few years, he could buy me something nicer.

Abby, I don't feel this should be Irene's decision to make. Richard earns good money. This would not break the bank for him, believe me. I am doubly upset because Richard has decided to take his mother's advice. Irene is always interfering, demanding to know what's happening with us. She says that he's the "man" and needs to act like it. She told him he "shouldn't let a woman control him." Irene even has our wedding planned for us.

Richard is a grown man, and I feel he should tell his mother nicely, "I appreciate your advice, but please realize this is still my decision to make."

Am I being unreasonable? I'm afraid that if we are married, Irene will be a constant interference. -- LOST IN NEW YORK

DEAR LOST: Your fears are justified. Until Richard stops allowing his mother to make his decisions for him, she will rule the roost, and her wishes and opinions will take precedence over yours. It's interesting that Irene is telling her son not to let a woman control him, when she's the one who's doing it. If I were you, I'd recognize the writing on the wall and run for the hills.

DEAR ABBY: I know alcoholism and substance abuse are diseases, but how long is a wife supposed to stick around, forgive backsliding, and try to pick up the pieces? Is it better to stay for the children's sake, or to leave for their sake? I don't want my kids to think that being drunk and stoned every day is acceptable.

My husband lives for today; I live for the future. He tells me I'm a terrible person for not abiding by the "for better or for worse." I keep asking him, "Where is the better?" After 14 years, all I have been left with is worse and worst. Please tell me what to do. -- WANTS TO LEAVE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR WANTS TO LEAVE: Make your move. Your husband will not get better until he realizes exactly how great a price his addictions have exacted from you and the children -- and ultimately himself.

Frankly, after reading your letter, I'm surprised your marriage has survived this long. I wish you luck, and sobriety for your husband, should he decide to go on the wagon.

DEAR ABBY: There is an expression I hear all the time. It's "We are pregnant." I have never known a man to be pregnant. I believe the expression should be, "My wife is pregnant, and we are expecting a baby."

Has terminology changed since I had my children 40 years ago, or am I missing something? -- SENIOR CITIZEN IN BONITA SPRINGS, FLA.

DEAR BONITA: A lot has changed since you had your children 40 years ago. Today men are far more actively involved in the birthing process than they once were. (Remember the days when the woman had the baby, and the husband was relegated to the waiting room?) Proud fathers-to-be are now present for sonograms, becoming Lamaze coaches, present at the delivery, and participate in midnight feedings and diaper changing. They carry their little ones in pouches on their chests -- and the bonding that results is wonderful. Now that's what I call progress!

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