DEAR ABBY: You gave a kindly response to "Missing My Mom," the woman who went ahead with her 5-year-old's birthday party two days after her own mother's death. Had you faulted her, it would have added to the guilt she's already feeling. However, had I been in that woman's shoes, I would have postponed the party for several weeks. The loss of one's parent certainly takes precedence over a child's birthday party -- and it would have been a good lesson in values for the little one. -- 89-YEAR-OLD READER IN NORTH ROYALTON, OHIO

DEAR READER: I responded as I did because I feel that no child of 5 should be forced to associate her special day with death and mourning if it is avoidable. Read on for a sample of what other readers had to say on the subject:

DEAR ABBY: The day I buried my 17-year-old son was my niece's birthday. She was just a year and a day younger than her cousin. After the funeral, I had an impromptu party for her. She's an adult now with children of her own, but she has never forgotten. To this day she thanks me for thinking about her even though I was grieving. I believe that life must go on. We can't do anything about our loved one's death except celebrate the precious time we had with them here on Earth. -- LOVING AUNT IN COLORADO

DEAR LOVING AUNT: My dear grandmother, Rose Phillips, shared your philosophy. You have much in common. She was a strong matriarch who always looked forward, and lived to be 103.

DEAR ABBY: Please remind that mother in Maine that Jacqueline Kennedy gave her little boy a party a few days after her husband was assassinated. I think "Missing My Mom" was in good company. -- NANCY IN KATY, TEXAS

DEAR NANCY: Several other readers also pointed that out.

DEAR ABBY: I lost my mother in February of 2002, and my granddaughter had her birthday party the same week. My daughter asked me, "Are you sure, Mom?" I said, "Yes, I want to carry on 'Nana's' wonderful spirit of family first!" (My mother always put family first.)

I found it comforting to have my family around me when I was at one of the lowest points in my life. Yes, "Missing My Mom" made the right choice. My heart goes out to her. I'm sure her mother would be proud of her for thinking of others. -- J.H., PEORIA, ILL.

DEAR J.H: I couldn't agree more.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Missing My Mom" brought back fond memories of my aunt's birthday party two years ago. One month before, my grandmother had to be placed in a nursing home due to failing health. A surprise birthday celebration was planned for my aunt at the nursing home so our beloved Grandma could be included. Sadly, two days before the party, she passed away.

Our first instinct, of course, was to cancel the birthday party. However, after asking everyone, we decided to go ahead with it. It lifted our spirits and cleared our minds for a little while amidst the planning of the funeral and the sadness that consumed us. That birthday party was the best thing we could have done. It was, after all, a celebration of life.

I just want "Missing My Mom" to know that she did the right thing. -- STILL MISSING GRANDMA IN OHIO

DEAR STILL: You're so right. Life is a gift, and we should treasure each precious moment that's given to us.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Richard" for three years. I am 27 and he is 25. We have talked about settling down for quite a while now.

A month ago, Richard asked me to marry him. We have looked at engagement rings in the past, and he knows my taste. However, he decided it would only be right to let his parents know about his decision. His mother, "Irene," asked him how much he planned to spend for a ring. He told her $2,000 to $3,000, and she said that was too much money. She added that he should buy me something little now, and in a few years, he could buy me something nicer.

Abby, I don't feel this should be Irene's decision to make. Richard earns good money. This would not break the bank for him, believe me. I am doubly upset because Richard has decided to take his mother's advice. Irene is always interfering, demanding to know what's happening with us. She says that he's the "man" and needs to act like it. She told him he "shouldn't let a woman control him." Irene even has our wedding planned for us.

Richard is a grown man, and I feel he should tell his mother nicely, "I appreciate your advice, but please realize this is still my decision to make."

Am I being unreasonable? I'm afraid that if we are married, Irene will be a constant interference. -- LOST IN NEW YORK

DEAR LOST: Your fears are justified. Until Richard stops allowing his mother to make his decisions for him, she will rule the roost, and her wishes and opinions will take precedence over yours. It's interesting that Irene is telling her son not to let a woman control him, when she's the one who's doing it. If I were you, I'd recognize the writing on the wall and run for the hills.

DEAR ABBY: I know alcoholism and substance abuse are diseases, but how long is a wife supposed to stick around, forgive backsliding, and try to pick up the pieces? Is it better to stay for the children's sake, or to leave for their sake? I don't want my kids to think that being drunk and stoned every day is acceptable.

My husband lives for today; I live for the future. He tells me I'm a terrible person for not abiding by the "for better or for worse." I keep asking him, "Where is the better?" After 14 years, all I have been left with is worse and worst. Please tell me what to do. -- WANTS TO LEAVE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR WANTS TO LEAVE: Make your move. Your husband will not get better until he realizes exactly how great a price his addictions have exacted from you and the children -- and ultimately himself.

Frankly, after reading your letter, I'm surprised your marriage has survived this long. I wish you luck, and sobriety for your husband, should he decide to go on the wagon.

DEAR ABBY: There is an expression I hear all the time. It's "We are pregnant." I have never known a man to be pregnant. I believe the expression should be, "My wife is pregnant, and we are expecting a baby."

Has terminology changed since I had my children 40 years ago, or am I missing something? -- SENIOR CITIZEN IN BONITA SPRINGS, FLA.

DEAR BONITA: A lot has changed since you had your children 40 years ago. Today men are far more actively involved in the birthing process than they once were. (Remember the days when the woman had the baby, and the husband was relegated to the waiting room?) Proud fathers-to-be are now present for sonograms, becoming Lamaze coaches, present at the delivery, and participate in midnight feedings and diaper changing. They carry their little ones in pouches on their chests -- and the bonding that results is wonderful. Now that's what I call progress!

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DEAR ABBY: A professional nanny in Ohio agonized over whether to tell the mother of twins in her care that one of them might be hearing-impaired. You advised her to notify the mother immediately, and that the children's pediatrician should be told during their next scheduled visit.

I am a pediatrician with a special interest in deafness and a trustee at the Clarke School for the Deaf in Massachusetts. Although I agree with your advice that the nanny should speak to the infant's mother, please let your readers know that there is some urgency involved. Infants should be screened at birth. If deaf infants receive hearing aids and appropriate therapy before 6 months of age, they have a good chance at normal speech and language development.

After 1 year of age, the chances for normal development begin to diminish. If any caregiver suspects hearing loss in an infant, that child's hearing should be tested as soon as possible. -- CONCERNED PEDIATRICIAN, NORTHAMPTON, MASS.

DEAR CONCERNED: Thank you for your informative letter. I was not aware that the timing was critical. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of two hearing-impaired children. I have struggled to get our government representatives to understand the value of early detection and push to make it a law for all newborns to be tested. However, until one of them is faced with disability, I'm sure nothing will be done.

Hearing impairment can be detected while the child is still in the womb, and Crib-o-Grams can detect the impairment before the child leaves the hospital. Time is essential to ensure good speech and a normal life.

That nanny should urge the mother to notify the children's pediatrician immediately. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT IN MICHIGAN

DEAR B.T.D.T.: I'm sure that many parents will be interested to know that prenatal testing can be done. Thank you.

DEAR ABBY: My son was fitted with his first set of hearing aids at 4 months. He is now 20 and has none of the speech patterns associated with hearing impairment. He had a home-based tutor until he was almost 3 and then was enrolled in a federally funded preschool language program with the local school district. It was a godsend.

Please do that nanny, the parents and the child a huge favor and tell the mother to contact the doctor right away for a brain-stem hearing test. Don't wait for the child's first birthday. Children understand our words long before they can say them back to us. -- MOM WHO HAS BEEN THERE

DEAR MOM: I have learned more from my readers than I could in a classroom.

DEAR ABBY: It is imperative that parents are aware of the fact that deafness is the most commonly overlooked disability. Parents also need to be aware of the deaf culture. Many deaf people, myself included, do not consider themselves disabled. If the twin is deaf or has some hearing loss, the parents and the nanny should make it a point to meet some deaf people in their community. They could best relate to the family and offer some excellent advice.

Also, Abby, the term "hearing-impaired" is no longer as acceptable as it once was. Deaf people should be referred to as "deaf" or "people who have hearing loss." -- BRIANA IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR BRIANA: I hear you loud and clear. I stand corrected.

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