DEAR ABBY: A professional nanny in Ohio agonized over whether to tell the mother of twins in her care that one of them might be hearing-impaired. You advised her to notify the mother immediately, and that the children's pediatrician should be told during their next scheduled visit.

I am a pediatrician with a special interest in deafness and a trustee at the Clarke School for the Deaf in Massachusetts. Although I agree with your advice that the nanny should speak to the infant's mother, please let your readers know that there is some urgency involved. Infants should be screened at birth. If deaf infants receive hearing aids and appropriate therapy before 6 months of age, they have a good chance at normal speech and language development.

After 1 year of age, the chances for normal development begin to diminish. If any caregiver suspects hearing loss in an infant, that child's hearing should be tested as soon as possible. -- CONCERNED PEDIATRICIAN, NORTHAMPTON, MASS.

DEAR CONCERNED: Thank you for your informative letter. I was not aware that the timing was critical. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of two hearing-impaired children. I have struggled to get our government representatives to understand the value of early detection and push to make it a law for all newborns to be tested. However, until one of them is faced with disability, I'm sure nothing will be done.

Hearing impairment can be detected while the child is still in the womb, and Crib-o-Grams can detect the impairment before the child leaves the hospital. Time is essential to ensure good speech and a normal life.

That nanny should urge the mother to notify the children's pediatrician immediately. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT IN MICHIGAN

DEAR B.T.D.T.: I'm sure that many parents will be interested to know that prenatal testing can be done. Thank you.

DEAR ABBY: My son was fitted with his first set of hearing aids at 4 months. He is now 20 and has none of the speech patterns associated with hearing impairment. He had a home-based tutor until he was almost 3 and then was enrolled in a federally funded preschool language program with the local school district. It was a godsend.

Please do that nanny, the parents and the child a huge favor and tell the mother to contact the doctor right away for a brain-stem hearing test. Don't wait for the child's first birthday. Children understand our words long before they can say them back to us. -- MOM WHO HAS BEEN THERE

DEAR MOM: I have learned more from my readers than I could in a classroom.

DEAR ABBY: It is imperative that parents are aware of the fact that deafness is the most commonly overlooked disability. Parents also need to be aware of the deaf culture. Many deaf people, myself included, do not consider themselves disabled. If the twin is deaf or has some hearing loss, the parents and the nanny should make it a point to meet some deaf people in their community. They could best relate to the family and offer some excellent advice.

Also, Abby, the term "hearing-impaired" is no longer as acceptable as it once was. Deaf people should be referred to as "deaf" or "people who have hearing loss." -- BRIANA IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR BRIANA: I hear you loud and clear. I stand corrected.

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DEAR ABBY: I need to know if I should forgive my husband, "Kurt," or move on and start over.

I had been married 26 years when Kurt called me one day at work to say he no longer knew how he felt about me. I was speechless. At first, I thought he was joking, but it went from bad to worse, and he asked for a divorce. He became verbally and emotionally abusive after that and moved out for a while. Then we reconciled. Everything was OK until a well-meaning friend called and told me Kurt had been involved with the office slut for more than a year.

When I confronted him, he lied, he cried, and then he spilled his guts.

I get sick thinking of the way Kurt treated me. He abandoned me for her like I was a weekend fling. He took money from us to support her, because she was "all alone and needed someone to help her out" -- all the while telling me that at age 44, I needed to learn to take care of myself! (I am a college graduate with a full-time job.)

My feelings for my husband have changed since I learned the truth. Had I known about the affair, I don't think I would have reconciled with him. What I thought was a midlife crisis turned out to be a true betrayal -- but where do I go from here? Since Kurt has returned home, I have been the "queen" in his life. He is truly a different person. He says he's sorry; however, I'm not sure if he's sorry he cheated or sorry he got caught. What do you think? -- FURIOUS IN OHIO

DEAR FURIOUS: I think he's sorry for the mess he made of things and for hurting you. Let's not forget, if he didn't care for you, he could have ended the marriage. You and your husband must talk this out until it is laid to rest, and the place to do it is in the presence of a marriage counselor. I know you're hurt, but make no decisions based on anger and bitterness. Other couples have survived infidelity -- and so can you, if that's what you both want. The choice is yours.

DEAR ABBY: For the past year, every time I visit my parents, my mother has commented on items in their home that she wants to go to specific family members after she and Dad are gone.

My siblings and I don't always get along, and I'm afraid that after our parents pass on, there will be a nasty battle over who gets what.

I have suggested to Mom that she write this all down, but she refuses. She keeps insisting, "You'll remember this." Should I help my parents write down their wishes? Also, is it inappropriate to make them aware of what antiques or items I would like to have? It's an uncomfortable topic to discuss. -- DUTIFUL DAUGHTER IN MIDDLETOWN, N.J.

DEAR DAUGHTER: It's a shame that two of the most important subjects -- sex and death -- are also the most difficult to discuss. In the interest of family harmony, your mother and father should be writing down their wishes concerning their property. However, since your mother seems unwilling, when she points out certain items, give her an indelible pen and suggest that she label them with the name of the person she would like to have them. It would take only a moment, and would not be morbid.

P.S. I see nothing wrong with telling your mother which items you'd like to have, as long as your siblings are also able to speak up for what they would like to have.

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DEAR ABBY: I may have started a war with my neighbors. About two months ago, their son, "Ricky," smashed a brick on my van while it was parked in my driveway. The damage was estimated at more than $500. I asked Ricky's parents to pay for it because I had paid them $100 a few months before, after I accidentally ran over Ricky's bike in the driveway. They didn't have to ask for the money -- I volunteered it.

When I told my neighbors about the damage, they refused to pay, saying my daughter had gotten their boy upset over a ball game they were playing. They said I should take them to court -- so that's exactly what I'm doing.

After they were served with the court papers, they called my boss and complained that I had cut them off while driving my company vehicle, a school bus. It was an outright lie. Things are starting to get out of hand. Am I wrong for wanting my van fixed? -- FRUSTRATED IN CANADA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Of course not. If you haven't already done so, speak to your boss immediately and explain exactly what is going on. Then inform the police about the boy's act of vandalism to your van. You didn't start a war. Your neighbors did when they refused to make good on the damage their son caused.

P.S. Now that you know the kid is trouble, keep your daughter away from him.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl who recently found out that I am the daughter of a sperm donor. I had always thought my father had died and no one would tell me why. Now I feel unloved by whoever is my father.

It scares me to think I may have brothers or sisters out there, and that he may not care that I exist. I don't understand why it's legal to just donate when a child may be born. Is there any way I can find out anything about my "real" father -- or any advice you can give me? -- DOESN't UNDERSTAND IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR DOESN'T UNDERSTAND: The person who donated his sperm so that you could be conceived thought he was doing a noble deed -- helping a couple who desperately wanted a child but were unable to do so. As far as I know, there is no way to trace his identity.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 30-year-old woman who was recently widowed. Although my new status is painful, I feel that because I am no longer married, I may take back my maiden name. My dilemma stems from the fact that I receive a pension from my husband's company, and others have told me that if I don't consider myself married, that I shouldn't accept his pension.

Are they right? Is this disrespectful to my deceased husband? Am I being selfish? I don't want to upset my in-laws. Hurting and disrespecting anyone is the last thing I want to do. -- CONFUSED IN OHIO

DEAR CONFUSED: As a widow, you are entitled to call yourself either by your married name or your maiden name. The choice is yours.

As a widow, you have a right to receive your husband's pension benefits until they run out. I don't know who gave you the bad advice you repeated to me, but that person is mistaken. To accept the money and go on with your life is neither selfish nor disrespectful. So take what you're entitled to, call yourself what you wish, live your life, and do not allow anyone to make you feel guilty for doing so.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)