DEAR ABBY: When we married in 1998, my husband "Grant" and I agreed that we would never put our parents into a nursing home as long as we were physically able to care for them. After our home was built, my father-in-law, "Papa Jake," moved in with us. Papa Jake is now 73, wheelchair-bound from a stroke, and an alcoholic.

He gets into his motorized wheelchair every day and heads out to the local bar, which is a mile away. When he returns, he's completely intoxicated, and sometimes falls. Papa Jake is also belligerent toward me, and I don't want our 2-year-old son living in this environment. I didn't bargain on this when I married Grant.

Grant refuses to tell Papa Jake that if he can't live by the rules he needs to leave. I have reached my limit. I love Grant, but I can't live like this anymore. When is enough enough? -- FED UP IN NEW YORK

DEAR FED UP: Papa Jake appears to be a danger to himself. If you haven't already done so, inform his doctor about what's going on. It's extremely unfair of your husband to wimp out and allow his father to treat you so disrespectfully -- let alone drive his wheelchair drunk on the public roads.

The bargain you made with your spouse was that you would care for his father as long as you were physically able. Well, since you are not physically able to prevent Papa Jake's forays to the bar (which put his safety at risk), insist that the time has come for Jake to go, and do not back down.

DEAR ABBY: Before a game, my friend asked if I ever had a flame-shooter. Then he went into the bathroom and got a can of hair spray and some matches. He told me to light the match and hold it. While I was holding the match, he sprayed the hair spray on it, and then my hand caught fire. I wasn't burned, but it scared me.

I'm not sure what to do. I want him to still be my friend, but I don't want him to get hurt. Should I let him keep doing it, or should I tell someone and have them tell him to stop? -- WORRIED IN KANSAS

DEAR WORRIED: Have you ever heard the saying that people who play with fire usually wind up getting burned? This applies to you and your friend. All you would need is for one of those "flame-shooters" to explode in your faces, and there would be lifelong consequences. The next time your "friend" suggests playing that game, tell him you'd prefer to do something else. Your mother or your teacher should inform his mother about what her son is up to. The boy is a tragedy waiting to happen.

DEAR ABBY: Early this year, I lost my precious father to cancer. Mom and Dad's 50th wedding anniversary would have been in a few weeks, and we had started planning a big celebration. Now that Dad is gone, how can we acknowledge this day? It seems a shame to do nothing, since in her heart, Mom will always be "with" my father.

Is there a way to have a special acknowledgement of any kind? Any suggestions would be welcome. -- GRIEVING BUT GRATEFUL IN ATLANTA

DEAR GRATEFUL: While a large celebration of your parents' marriage would not be appropriate, I see no reason why family members and close friends shouldn't take your mother out on this emotionally loaded occasion. Certainly, she should not be alone -- and I am sure she would welcome the emotional support.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have a good job, a nice house, a great family and great friends -- but I'm miserable.

I hate my job, but instead of quitting, I call in sick. It has put me in danger of getting fired. I lie to my husband about the work I miss, and since I handle the finances, he doesn't realize what an impact it has. I feel like a horrible person, but I'm afraid to quit and go somewhere else. I have no other skills, and I wouldn't be able to make the same money elsewhere.

I'm also afraid my husband will find out and be furious. I feel I'm putting my family in financial jeopardy and risking everything because I can't show up for work. I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I just wake up some mornings and can't face going in, so I hide out in our house and pretend that I go to work. I feel lazy and worthless. I think I may be depressed, but some weeks or months I feel fine. What should I do? -- GOING CRAZY IN ARIZONA

DEAR GOING: May I offer a couple of suggestions? Your mood swings may be chemical. Make an appointment with your physician, explain what's going on and get a referral to a psychotherapist. Once that's done, pick up the phone and find the nearest school that offers career counseling. You may have more marketable skills than you give yourself credit for.

Please don't put it off. Hiding from your husband will only make this worse. The longer you hide it, the more upset he will be when he learns what has been happening.

DEAR ABBY: For years you have printed letters from grandparents complaining that they don't receive thank-you notes. Well, I have a question: Do these people send thank-you notes to their grandchildren for gifts they've received from them?

I'm an active senior with 25 grandchildren. No matter how small the gift, I always write them a thank-you note. Each child in a family gets his own. This year, I received a pencil, a hand-drawn picture, and some 99-cent earrings, among other things. They all merited a note.

The children love getting their own thank-you note. And as soon as children can print "Thank you" they should be encouraged to send their own.

As my grandchildren have grown up, they have developed good manners, and I always hear from them no matter where they are. -- OHIO GRANNY

DEAR GRANNY: I commend you for setting such a wonderful example for your grandchildren. One of the secrets of writing an effective thank-you is to do it immediately after receiving the gift, while the reaction is spontaneous.

DEAR ABBY: My co-workers and I are having a disagreement and hope you can set the record straight. One of the women here was recently married. On the big day her maid of honor showed up at the ceremony falling-down drunk and caused a disruption.

Is the bride obligated to send her a thank-you note for the gift? I say "yes" as you would thank anyone for a gift. My co-workers disagree. They say her rude and outrageous behavior should be grounds for no thank-you note. Your response will settle our dispute. -- "MARILYN" IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR "MARILYN": I agree with you. Two wrongs don't make a right. The woman should be thanked for her gift.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My fiancee, "Monique," has put me into financial ruin. It's all because of this girl she has been hanging around with, "Tracy." Monique's friends have warned her to stay away from Tracy because she's bad news.

Abby, the two of them have been kiting money. Monique has also forged my name on my own checks, and sold my personal items -- things left to me by my grandparents. For years, people have urged me to press charges.

Monique and I have two children, 3 and 2. I spoke to a lawyer and I will have no problem getting full custody. Monique is on one year's probation and has to pay restitution because she stole from her employer. She is American; we live in Canada. With all the stuff that's happening, Monique may have to leave the country.

Monique's parents have told me I should press charges. She has abandoned our kids while I was at work. Children's Aid got involved, and I didn't know the kids had been taken from us until I got home from work. Luckily, we got them back.

Monique wasn't like this until she met Tracy. Should I press charges, or should I just say goodbye, take the kids and go my way? A mutual friend says Monique told her that if I do that, she will forget the kids, and find a new guy and have kids with him. -- STRESSED OUT IN CANADA

DEAR STRESSED OUT: I'm glad you wrote and I'm pleased to help end your ambivalence. Listen to your common sense as well as to what Monique's parents are urging you to do. Protect yourself and the kids. Press charges. Tracy is not responsible for your fiancee's behavior. Your fiancee appears to have no conscience. Jail time won't help her mend her ways, but it will slow her down and make it more difficult for her to take advantage of her next victim.

DEAR ABBY: Last week, we invited a couple for dinner this week. Two days before the party, I called to confirm the time and they said they'd be here.

On the evening of the dinner, they showed up two hours late without even a phone call. They said the husband had to work late. Neither of them offered an apology. We had tried twice to contact them before we finally decided to go ahead and eat. They seemed offended that we did.

Were we wrong to assume they weren't coming? If you haven't heard otherwise, how long should you wait for guests before eating without them? -- TIRED TO WAITING IN VIRGINIA

DEAR TIRED OF WAITING: You were not wrong to assume that your guests were no-shows and to have eaten dinner. That they failed to call and inform you that they had been delayed was rude. Thirty minutes is long enough to wait for tardy guests -- or less if there's danger the meal will be overcooked.

DEAR ABBY: My beautiful wife, "Doreen," turned 41 a couple of months ago. Since then she has had extra piercings in her ears and has taken to wearing thumb rings, toe rings and ankle bracelets. Yesterday she pierced her navel. I am embarrassed for her. We have a 13-year-old daughter who is also embarrassed for her. How do I tell Doreen she looks silly? -- NOT SO HIP IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR NOT SO HIP: Your wife's fetish brings new meaning to the term "heavy metal." It shouldn't be necessary to give her a lecture. Just walk in carrying a powerful magnet. That should send a message.

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