DEAR ABBY: I am a married mother of two, with what I thought was a good marriage. My husband, "Charles," and I like to surf the Web, and trust each other enough not to check user histories -- but one morning he forgot to close a window on his computer.

What I saw shook me. Charles had joined a "married but looking" Web site about a year ago. It was news to me. I thought we had a strong marriage. His profile said he wanted a casual, discreet "fling" with no strings attached. It said that he was married, but not happily! (He never said that to me.) It also showed that he had contacted three women, one here in our small town.

I am deeply hurt. Even if he hasn't followed through, I feel that he has cheated on me by contacting those women. I know I need to talk to him and find out what is going on, but I don't know how to approach him without him claiming that I invaded his privacy.

Marriage counseling is not an option. Money is tight, and the minister of the church where we attend is his uncle. Why didn't he come to me and say he isn't happy? Please tell me what to do. -- HURT AND HUMILIATED IN ADRIAN, MICH.

DEAR HURT: Your husband may be as scared of telling you he's unhappy as you are to tell him that you know. Subconsciously, I suspect he wanted to be caught. That's why he "forgot" to close the window on his computer. For the sake of your marriage, it's time to clear the air.

Tell Charles that you are aware of his extracurricular activities and how you feel. Do not allow him to put you on the defensive. If you think he might lie, contact the women and ask what's been going on. If you can't afford marriage counseling, seek aid and comfort from a clergyperson. Since you prefer not to confide in your husband's uncle, consult another minister.

P.S. Because you now question Charles' fidelity, talk to your doctor and ask to be checked for STDs.

DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my 30s with a group of close friends who have been together since college. We have a question on which we are divided.

A couple of the women feel it is OK to apply lipstick, or powder their noses, at the table in a restaurant. The others feel it's inappropriate. We realize that in the scheme of things, this is a small issue, but it's causing unrest among us. There is also the question of whether or not it is appropriate to talk on a cell phone at the restaurant table. -- NEEDS A REPLY IN DAVIDSONVILLE, MD.

DEAR NEEDS: You're right; in the scheme of things, it is a small issue. I was taught that if the repair is a "quickie" -- a dab of powder or an unobtrusive application of lipstick -- it is permissible at the table. If it takes more than a minute, the repair job should be done in the ladies' room.

As to cell phones: It is rude and distracting to use one at the table, and some restaurants ask guests to turn them off so other diners are not disturbed by the ringing.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter from "All Tipped Out," commenting on the increasing number of "tip jars" she encounters in business establishments, I had to write and say I couldn't agree more.

I first noticed the phenomenon about 15 years ago, at a wine-and-cheese fund-raiser for an organization to which I belonged. I was flabbergasted to see that the people pouring the wine had a tip jar on the bar. I assumed that we had hired these people as part of the contract, and certainly never expected to see them blatantly soliciting tips. However, I couldn't convince the event organizers to do anything about it.

Since then, I have seen tip jars on the open bars at weddings. Only once have I seen the father of the bride have the good sense and righteous indignation to order them removed immediately.

There is no reason to tolerate paid help hustling one's invited guests for tips. You wouldn't put up with this at a catered event at your home. -- PAT C., HOCKESSIN, DEL.

DEAR PAT: Good point. Frankly, I too was surprised at how prevalent the practice has become. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Please tell "All Tipped Out" to hold onto her hat. There is a doctor's office in our town -- a beautiful facility with lots of employees and patients -- that does the same thing, although in a slightly less blatant way.

A friend of mine went to this office to have a procedure done. It was not performed by the doctor, but by a technician. When she went to pay at the reception desk, she was asked if she would like to "tip" the technician.

I have no problem tipping in establishments where I know the employees are not receiving minimum wage and depend on tips to supplement their incomes. However, I have no doubt that technician was earning more than minimum wage, and I don't think it was appropriate to ask a patient for a tip.

I will be more on my toes than my friend was. I will say, "Perhaps the doctor should give his technician a raise if she needs tips." -- ALWAYS A NEW TWIST IN WYOMING

DEAR NEW TWIST: What you have described seems more like a demand than a request, and it's appalling.

DEAR ABBY: I work in a local bakery, and there is a tip jar; however, the employees who work the counter earn the same as everyone else, and it's more than minimum wage. Yet they expect tips and make rude comments when the customer leaves if they are not received. I find this embarrassing. I'd be less dismayed if the tips were divided by everyone, and the comments were kept in check. -- E. CLAIRE IN CAMBRIDGE

DEAR E. CLAIRE: Your boss should be made aware of what's going on in the front of his shop. If word leaks out, it will affect the business.

DEAR ABBY: I work in a small restaurant where there's a tip jar on the counter. I don't "expect" tips because of it. What makes my day is when a customer is friendly, cheerful, and says "please" and "thank you." "All Tipped Out" needn't feel obligated to tip. Just being polite and friendly will make an employee's day far more than any tip could. -- HAPPY SERVER IN CANADA

DEAR HAPPY SERVER: You're 100 percent right -- but that's a subject for another column.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My friend, "Wilma," recently purchased a house with her husband, "Ken." They frequently host "poker nights" and invite quite a few other friends -- and friends of friends.

Since Wilma is presently unemployed, she has instituted a new policy for the games: Everyone must donate a percentage of their winnings to the house. This has offended quite a few of the players. Many of us have offered to bring snacks, drinks, etc., but the donation rule stands and is very much in effect.

May I add that Ken was shocked when Wilma asked for the money. How can we confront her without coming across as rude? -- CONCERNED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CONCERNED: Why are you worried about offending someone who is extorting money from you? I don't know how many people participate in these "poker nights," but with a percentage of every hand going to the house, Wilma must be making a tidy sum. It shouldn't be necessary to "confront her." If I were you, I'd alternate hosting these games among the participants.

DEAR ABBY: My father, who is still living, sexually abused me for six or seven years during my childhood. That was 21 years ago. I believe he has gotten help for his "problem" and won't harm anyone else, but I can't be sure. I have talked to Dad about it, and he says he would never hurt anyone like that again, that what he did was very wrong, and he's sorry he ever hurt me.

About six years ago, another family member asked me if I had been sexually abused, and I told her no at the urging of my parents and my husband. She and I both have children. I allow my son to stay with Dad, but not my daughter. The other family member has sons who stay with Dad occasionally.

I feel guilty for not telling her the truth. I would never forgive myself if something happened to her kids because I lied. Should I speak up and let the chips fall where they may, even though it could hurt a lot of people? Or should I just be quiet and observe? It has taken a lot of courage to write this letter, and your advice would be appreciated. -- UNSURE IN THE PRAIRIES

DEAR UNSURE: Has it occurred to you that your relative asked you that question because your father had also abused her? Asking someone if a parent has abused her (or him) is not something that ordinarily comes up in conversation for no reason. Yes, you should definitely level with her -- and then listen to what she has to say. You owe it to her and the children to be honest.

P.S. Child molesters have been known to abuse children of both genders, so don't procrastinate.

DEAR ABBY: I am 19 and have been in love with "Rob" ever since I was in fifth grade. I never felt good enough for him. Now that we're in college, I finally expressed my feelings, and we are starting a relationship. My only problem is people tell me that being with Rob is wrong because my sister is married to his first cousin. Is there some kind of rule that being together is taboo? -- CONFUSED IN AMERICAN SAMOA

DEAR CONFUSED: Not that I ever heard of. You and Rob are not blood relatives, and I know of no taboo against marrying him should you both decide to tie the knot.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)