DEAR ABBY: "Deb in Knoxville" asked who should buy the ring if the woman proposes. I think the groom should buy the ring for the bride, and the bride should buy the ring for the groom, no matter who proposes. It should be their gift to each other. -- JOYFUL IN ALPHARETTA, GA.

DEAR JOYFUL: My ears are "ringing" from the many comments I've received regarding that letter. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Your answer to "Deb in Knoxville" was right on. You advised her that if the man is a gentleman, he should buy it. And if he refuses, she should enter the marriage with her eyes wide open and no illusions about what her future will be.

Even though my husband popped the question to me, he never bought me a ring. It was an indication of what was to come. He is the world's worst cheapskate.

I can count on one hand the number of gifts he has given me over the years. He is equally withholding emotionally. When I was single, I never thought that such things were important in a relationship. I was wrong. It's been a lonely life. -- LONELY IN DIXIE

DEAR LONELY: In your case, the lack of gifts is less important than the absence of what they stand for. You have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend tells me that it is tradition that the man buys the woman a ring, and the woman buys the man a watch. What a great tradition! Have you heard of this? -- BOB IN CHICAGO

DEAR BOB: No, so I called Dawn Moore, the West Coast regional director of Chopard Jewelers. She informed me that a wristwatch is the "traditional offering" from the woman to the man at the time of the engagement or the wedding. (What a clever way of ensuring he makes it to the church on time!)

DEAR ABBY: "Deb in Knoxville" asked who should buy the ring if the woman proposes. You replied that you're old-fashioned, and the man should buy it if he's a gentleman. I disagree! If the woman asks, she should buy the ring. Not only that, but she should present that ring to him. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. -- EQUAL OPPORTUNITY ENGAGER

DEAR ENGAGER: Thank you for stating the opposing point of view.

DEAR ABBY: I proposed to my longtime boyfriend and bought him an engagement ring. I didn't care if I received one or not. He asked if I wanted one as well, and I declined. Because of pressure from family and friends, he finally insisted.

Abby, there is so much old-fashioned peer pressure on the man. When we announced our engagement, I made the mistake of saying that I had been the one to propose. People would gawk at him as though he had been the one holding up the wedding plans, and I had to somehow get the ball rolling by proposing to him. It was like they thought less of him somehow. I think it embarrassed him, which was stupid because he was ready to be married long before I was. (I was divorced and afraid of making another mistake.)

When I felt ready, I decided to surprise him and propose. He was loving and patient with me -- and it's unfair that people regard him as someone who had to be poked and prodded into making a commitment.

I think that if a woman proposes, the same rules should apply as if the situation were reversed. It's up to both of them to decide about the rings. The responsibility should be shared because they are both equals in the relationship. -- SMILING IN CANADA

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.

DEAR ABBY: A year ago, I lost my wife of 16 years to cancer. "Ethel" and I didn't have a perfect marriage, but we worked at it. We both had grown children from first marriages. We also had a child together, a boy, "Ben," who is 13.

Last spring I began seeing a very nice lady I'll call Blanche. Ethel's daughters have little to do with me since their mother's death and are encouraging Ben to be rude and distant to Blanche. I realize Ben has issues, but I have tried to explain to him that life goes on. Blanche is not trying to replace his mother; she would like to be his friend.

My question is, when should I tell my in-laws about Blanche?

To everyone reading this: If at all possible, become a donor of some sort. My eternal thanks to the caring individual who gave his bone marrow to Ethel in an effort to save a complete stranger. God bless you. -- NEEDS TO MOVE ON IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR NEEDS: Ethel's daughters most likely have already told your in-laws about Blanche, so you should tell them the "news" now. If you don't, it will appear that you are sneaking around -- and it's important not to create that impression. It may be painful for Ethel's relatives to hear, so don't be surprised if they are less than thrilled.

Family counseling might be helpful for you, your son, and Ethel's daughters if they are open to it. Should the "girls" refuse, go with Ben. He is still young, and he lost his mother at a time when he still needed her. You are probably further along in the grieving process than your son because you had a chance to grieve for your wife during her illness.

For Ben's sake, I hope you take your time before remarrying. He apparently needs more time to adjust and to understand that the new lady in your life is not a threat to his mother's memory.

DEAR ABBY: I met my biological father last June, after waiting 15 years to do so. His side of the family was very warm and welcoming. They treated me as though they had known me all my life. I was nervous about meeting them, so I took my boyfriend. They treated him like family too.

I have not told my mom that I went to see the other family, because she would no longer speak to me, and I don't want her mad at me. My parents had an extremely bitter divorce. Mom still holds a grudge, and she expects me to as well.

I am being married soon, and now I am being forced to choose between my mom and my biological father. I would like everyone to be there, and for my stepdad to walk me down the aisle. My fiance likes my biological father and his side of the family and wants them all to be there, too. I am stuck in the middle. What should I do? -- IN THE MIDDLE OUT WEST

DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: It's time to grow up and tell your mother what you did. Although the divorce was devastating, you have the right to know your father and paternal relatives if you wish. Ask her, as her wedding gift to you, to bury her enmity for one day so you can have the wedding of your dreams. Many other families have done this, and the experience can be healing.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am an openly gay man, out of the closet at work, at college and with friends. I'm out to everyone except my family, who have made it clear that being gay is unacceptable.

I spent years trying to change my sexual orientation, which I now know to be about as achievable as changing the color of my eyes.

I don't know how to come out to my family, or if I even should. The only family member who knows said, "They'll only hear what they want to hear, and they don't want to hear this."

A friend recently asked me what would happen if I was in a relationship. Would I hide forever or come out by saying, "Folks, meet my boyfriend!" He said I should come out for ME, not for them.

Right now I'm confused. One of my family members is disabled and I don't know if the news would kill him. What's the wisest thing to do? -- ALMOST OUT IN CANTON, OHIO

DEAR ALMOST OUT: In all the time I have been associated with this column -- and it's decades -- I have never heard of anyone "dying" from being told that a family member is gay. In fact, the family usually has had some inkling by the time the person chooses to say it.

In your case, the "wisest thing to do" would be to contact Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) and request information about how to come out to your family. At the same time, ask for literature that will help your family understand that sexual orientation isn't something a person "chooses" on a lark, nor is it something for which a person should be punished. PFLAG can be reached at: www.pflag.org; or by e-mail: info(at)pflag.org; or at 1726 M St. N.W., Washington, D.C. 20036.

I hope your family is willing to broaden their perspective. If not, the loss will be theirs, because it appears you already have other sources of emotional support. Good for you, because people who are happy and involved with others live fuller, more productive lives than those who stay locked in emotional isolation.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a widowed 48-year-old grandmother raising three beautiful grandchildren, who has been lucky enough to find a really special man I'll call "Dale."

I have had four major relationships in my life. The last two have ended with their deaths. The first -- my late husband -- died in a work-related car accident. The second died of an aortic aneurysm.

Dale has proposed marriage and I said yes; however, my doubts are linked to the adage, "It comes in threes," and I'm afraid I'll lose him too. If this seems silly, I'm sorry. I loved both of the men who died, and after the last one I swore never to love like this again. However, God says, "Never say never." Can you help me? -- GUN-SHY IN PHOENIX

DEAR GUN-SHY: Consider this: The only thing sillier than bowing to your superstitions would be to sacrifice a mutual love out of fear. You can't change what happened in the past, but if you think positive and concentrate on the present, the future will take care of itself. In a sense, we all "place our bets and take our chances" because in life there are no guarantees. The secret is to think positive.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)