DEAR ABBY: I am struggling with a family problem that could permanently break the bonds with my parents. I am a dentist, married with a family, who followed my father's footsteps into the profession. After five years working at my father's practice, I purchased the practice at full market value.

When this happened, our roles were instantly reversed. I was now running the show. Over the next six years, I took the practice in new directions. My relationship with my parents became more strained and distant as they saw me become more successful.

Father is now retired, and recently needed to have two crowns redone. Although my parents' dental care is free, there was an outside laboratory bill for the fabrication of the two new crowns that came to about $300. I asked my father to pay the lab bill.

I thought things were all right until my mother came in for a routine cleaning a few weeks ago and called me every name in the book. She couldn't believe I would charge my own father for his dental work after raising me as their son. What should I do? I told my mother I'd pay the lab bill myself. Am I wrong on this? My parents and I seem to have completely different views. -- D.D.S. IN DEEP DOO-DOO

DEAR D.D.S.: Geez Louise, it was your FATHER! Where would you be today if you hadn't followed his career path? Allow me to share a philosophy I learned from my own dear mother: "If you're going to do something, give it your best effort." In your case, since you were providing your father's dental care "gratis," that means you should have gone all the way -- and been happy to do it.

DEAR ABBY: My son was invited to a birthday party. When I called the mom to RSVP, I asked her what kind of toys her son was interested in. She replied that it was rude to ask what to buy him, and to just buy him "something suitable for a boy."

Abby, I wasn't trying to be rude. I just thought that if I was going to purchase a gift for the child, I ought to know what he was interested in so I wouldn't buy him something he wouldn't use.

Was I rude to ask the question? I shall think twice about asking again. -- ANONYMOUS IN CANADA

DEAR ANONYMOUS: The mother was wrong to chastise you. Not only do I not think you were rude to ask the question, but I think it was intelligent of you to ask.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my wife, "Selma," for two years. I'm sure we both do things that bother each other, but the one thing she does that gets on my nerves is to open my mail. If the mail is addressed to both of us, then I don't mind.

When I come home from work, I find my personal mail opened, read and scattered on the table. How do I tell her to stop reading my mail? -- NO PRIVACY IN BIRMINGHAM, ALA.

DEAR N.P.: Tell her in plain English that it is an invasion of privacy and you resent it, and that you expect to find the envelopes intact when you get home from work. If she doesn't comply, get a post office box in your name only and have your mail delivered there.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: A female reader, "Humiliated in Birmingham," wrote that a vendor had come to her place of employment and made lewd comments to her. After learning that the vendor would be training her on software she'd be using for her recent promotion, she reported the incident to her superior. Four days later, she was demoted, publicly humiliated, and felt forced to resign.

I am a former human resources manager, Abby, and that woman should know that she was the victim of hostile environment harassment and subjected to retaliation by her employer for reporting it. Most harassment policies prohibit third-party harassment and retaliation.

"Humiliated" should create a timeline of the events that occurred, and then consult a lawyer or visit her state human rights office. The documentation should include when the harassment occurred, where it occurred, and specifically what lewd comments were made by the vendor. It would also be helpful to note what she did when it occurred, such as telling the vendor that it made her uncomfortable or whether she walked away.

She may also want to locate a copy of the company's harassment policy and any relevant information regarding the promotion and demotion, including if anything was in writing. It should also be noted if anyone witnessed the harassment or the public humiliation.

After documenting her story, this agency will likely file a complaint on her behalf with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) and will contact her employer to obtain their story about what happened. Since it's doubtful an investigation by the company was completed, and "Humiliated" was retaliated against, the agency will look unfavorably upon this. "Humiliated" may also want to consider what resolution she is looking for, such as being restored to the promoted position and being trained by a different individual. -- SYMPATHETIC IN LEAWOOD, KAN.

DEAR SYMPATHETIC: Thank you for your helpful letter. It's one that should be clipped and saved by anyone entering the workforce and anyone who owns a business. Most businesses have sexual harassment policies in writing, but not all do. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Fifty lashes with a wet noodle for specifically recommending a female lawyer to "Humiliated in Birmingham." You dropped the ball. Any decent attorney, male or female, should be empathetic and hard-working in pursuing the case. Unless the person hiring the attorney is uncomfortable with a particular gender, the gender of the attorney should not be a criterion. -- DENNIS HUGHES, PLAINFIELD, IND.

DEAR DENNIS: You're right; I was wrong. I apologize for suggesting that a female lawyer might identify more strongly with her situation than a male lawyer. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I, too, was harassed by a vendor at work. The receptionist -- a man -- witnessed it. He empowered me, and I called the vendor's boss and told him what had happened. It turned out there had been other complaints about the man. -- CAMMIE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CAMMIE: Thank you for pointing out that when harassment occurs, it's often part of a pattern of behavior.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I was married nine months ago to a man I love dearly. It has been an adjustment for all of us, and at times it has been stressful. We have been working on some issues, but for the most part we're doing well. I have a 12-year-old daughter I'll call "Ginger."

The problem is my new father-in-law, "Grant." He lives alone a few states away from us. We see him only a few times a year. I barely know him. Grant has been asking to take Ginger alone for a weekend at his secluded home. I have a real problem with that. Grant also asked to take Ginger to visit his mother -- an even farther distance. He planned on having my daughter alone with him in a hotel for a week. I said no.

Abby, Grant plans these outings in his head and then gets upset when I say no. I'm not comfortable allowing my innocent child to spend time alone with a man in his 60s whom I don't know very well.

I have invited Grant to our home so he can get to know us both, and he always has an excuse not to come. This is causing a rift between my husband and me. Grant has made my husband feel guilty, and it has caused arguments between the two of us. I want to please my husband, but I don't want to place Ginger in a situation that I am not comfortable with. What should I do? -- WORRIED MOTHER IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR WORRIED MOTHER: Stick to your guns and insist that your father-in-law "get to know" your daughter only in situations that you can supervise. There is a reason why your alarm bells are ringing, and frankly, after reading your letter, they went off in my head, too. Listen to your motherly instinct and do not allow yourself to be manipulated into doing otherwise.

DEAR ABBY: I have a warning for your readers. It is always touching to hear stories of long-lost loves being reunited to then live happily ever after. I had a love like that when I was in high school. He was in the Army in California.

We met again after 41 years, fell in love, and began what seemed like a dream come true. I gave up a great job and proximity to family and friends to relocate to Washington. My dream turned into a financially and emotionally draining nightmare. After a year and a half of marriage that volleyed between cruelty and reassurances of his love, I confirmed my intuition that he had been lying and cheating the whole time.

I had based my trust in him on that sweet history that was decades in the past. I am writing to urge others to be cautious. Do not misplace your trust as I did. -- BETRAYED AFTER ALL THESE YEARS

DEAR BETRAYED: While it's true that many childhood sweethearts successfully rekindle that old flame in later life, it's also true that as people grow older they sometimes change -- and not always for the better. That's why it's important to look carefully before you leap into anything and take nothing for granted.

I'm sorry your happy ending turned out badly and your prince into a toad. Be glad you know the truth and are again in control of your future because -- believe me -- it's not over until you take your last breath.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)