DEAR ABBY: My mother, who is in her late 70s, lives alone with her standard poodle, "Bonaparte." She refuses to go anywhere unless we agree that Bonaparte can go, too. When one of us offers to take her to dinner, the poodle waits in the car. She won't visit family members either, unless Bonaparte is welcome.

For Mother's birthday, I planned a special outing at a lovely restaurant and a matinee performance of a show that was in town. Mamma refused to go unless we took the dog. It wasn't appropriate, so I told her no. She refused to go and is still mad at me. She continually tries to make me feel guilty for "spoiling" her birthday.

How can I make my mother realize that the dog is an animal companion, and there are times when she needs to enjoy the company of people sans her dog? -- HAD IT UP TO HERE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR HAD IT: Some people are so fond of their pets they are reluctant to part with them, even temporarily. Your mother appears to be one of them. She has made her feelings clear, and I doubt anyone -- myself included -- could convince her to socialize without him. (Feelings are not always rational.) Since you can't teach an old dog new tricks, when you invite your mother and the dog out, make sure there is plenty of air circulating in the car and a water bowl so Bonaparte will be safe and comfortable.

DEAR ABBY: My beloved 8-year-old niece, "Emily," has expressed that she's embarrassed to be seen with me because I am "so big." I'm aware that children are easily embarrassed by differences, be it someone using a cane, someone with a foreign accent, or someone who is fat like me.

I don't want to embarrass Emily on the days that I pick her up from school, but I also don't want to condone her attitude about "fat people" by hiding in the car.

How can I expect an 8-year-old to be free of prejudice when even supposedly mature adults expect all women to be slim-slender-thin-petite? I know Emily loves me; she just doesn't want people to see us together in public. What advice have you for us? -- CONCERNED IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR CONCERNED: Under no circumstances should you hide. Remind your niece that there is more to a person than just the package -- that when you love someone, you accept that person for who he or she is, not how he or she looks. Emily may be only 8, but she's old enough to learn that lesson.

DEAR ABBY: My beloved 8-year-old niece, "Emily," has expressed that she's embarrassed to be seen with me because I am "so big." I'm aware that children are easily embarrassed by differences, be it someone using a cane, someone with a foreign accent, or someone who is fat like me.

I don't want to embarrass Emily on the days that I pick her up from school, but I also don't want to condone her attitude about "fat people" by hiding in the car.

How can I expect an 8-year-old to be free of prejudice when even supposedly mature adults expect all women to be slim-slender-thin-petite? I know Emily loves me; she just doesn't want people to see us together in public. What advice have you for us? -- CONCERNED IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR CONCERNED: Under no circumstances should you hide. Remind your niece that there is more to a person than just the package -- that when you love someone, you accept that person for who he or she is, not how he or she looks. Emily may be only 8, but she's old enough to learn that lesson.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating my boyfriend, "Brad," for about six months. It's a long-distance relationship because he went off to college.

My problem is, recently Brad has stopped contacting me. He says he'll call, but he never does. He moved out of the dorm at school, so I don't know how to contact him other than e-mail. I have e-mailed him a couple of letters, but I haven't heard back from him. I don't know what to do. Should I give up on him? -- LONGING IN IDAHO

DEAR LONGING: By not contacting you, Brad is sending you a strong message. He knows how to reach you. Since he has moved and left you no contact information, it's safe to assume that the romance is over -- at least for now.

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem I can't discuss with my family. I am 45 years old, married for 12 years, and I am in love with my wife's daughter from her first marriage. "Danica" is 24 and married. I have had these feelings for her for quite some time. Danica is fun to be around and very pretty when she smiles. We have talked when she has been over to visit her mother, and she drives me crazy. My wife says I have a crush on her daughter. Thank God she doesn't know how much.

I asked Danica out to dinner one night, just the two of us. It was going well until I spilled my guts and told her how I felt about her. She was shocked. The only thing she said was I was married to her mother and she was married. I asked her if she had anything else to say, and she replied that she didn't know what to say. Needless to say, the rest of the night didn't go well. I took her to her car and told her the offer was always open.

Four days latter, I sent her a dozen red roses with a card that said, "Let's be friends." I tried to call her, but she said she didn't feel comfortable talking to me. Now she treats me like I have the plague. What should I do? Just wait, and pray she'll talk to me? -- SMITTEN IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR SMITTEN: No. The first thing you should do is take a cold shower and wake up. You have slipped from fantasy into obsession, created a rift in the family and made a fool of yourself. Stop with the calls and roses. You and Danica will never be "friends" now that your inappropriate feelings are out in the open. If you can't let go of this, please talk to a mental health professional.

DEAR ABBY: Please accept my apology for thinking that every time you advise counseling you were "passing the buck." After years of abuse and three nightmare marriages, I am finally finding myself through psychiatric care.

After my husband of 27 years left me, I was shattered -- terrified. I couldn't stop crying. I made a desperate call to a mental health hotline and was advised to go to the nearest emergency hospital. My physician met me there and I admitted myself to their psychiatric ward. It was the beginning of a new life.

Everyone I encountered, from the person in admitting to the doctors and nurses, the staff and other patients, helped me. I started to heal. The classes were extremely helpful. The counselors were truly giving and caring. I signed myself out after five days, but continue going in for weekly counseling. My counselor recently told me I would make a great counselor.

I will soon begin taking courses at my local college to become certified. And now that I am healing, I'm doing volunteer work in mental health care and awareness. My goal is to make the public realize the importance of mental health.

I have learned you can live in fear or reach out for help. There is no reason for anyone to suffer when help is close at hand. There are toll-free hotline numbers for crisis intervention.

Thank you for always being there, Abby. I know you were there for me. -- SUNSHINE IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR SUNSHINE: Thank YOU for sharing your personal success. When you were in crisis, you were wise to recognize it for what it was and get help. There should be no shame in such a positive, life-affirming act.

Another valuable resource for the mentally ill is an organization called the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI). It offers emotional and educational support to people -- and families -- with all the major mental disorders. Its toll-free number is (800) 950-6264. The Web site is � HYPERLINK "http://www.nami.org" ��www.nami.org�.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I read your column faithfully. The letter from "Devoted Mom in Livermore, Calif." really touched a nerve with me. She said she wanted to end friendships with her old "career" friends because she no longer had anything in common with them and would rather spend her free time with her husband and daughter. How sad.

People use the word "friends" too liberally. I believe a person is truly blessed if he or she can name five "true friends." By that I mean people who will be by your side through thick and thin; back you up and ask questions later; someone you can call any time of day or night. Through childhood, marriage, children, divorce, whatever life throws your way, these friends are there. The common thread is the quality that made you friends to begin with. You may not see each other often, but when you pick up that phone or e-mail, it's like you never left off.

It's a shame "Devoted Mom" doesn't understand that true meaning of friendship. -- KATHY G., BALLY, PA.

DEAR KATHY: I agree. True friendship is a commodity so precious it should not be discarded lightly. That letter brought in some interesting mail. Read on for a sample: DEAR ABBY: Although "Devoted Mom" didn't say it in so many words, her letter smacked of the attitude that I'm willing to bet used to disgust her. Now that she's settled down, she's eager to phase out her single girlfriends. Naturally, since she has a "real" life now, she doesn't want to be around people who don't, and certainly she and all her mommy-track friends are sure that anything remotely different from their existence is entirely false. It's that very attitude that keeps us divided.

Sure, she's tired of hearing about single girls' money and boyfriend problems, but let me assure her that potty training doesn't exactly make for a riveting anecdote. Single lives are no less valuable and real than hers.

"Devoted Mom" shouldn't worry about letting those women down easily. They may not be eager to be around someone with such a smug-minded attitude anyway. -- WOMAN-POSITIVE IN COLUMBUS, OHIO

DEAR WOMAN-POSITIVE: I'm sure they won't when they find out they're expendable!

DEAR ABBY: I agree with your advice about thinking twice before phasing out her older relationships. Tomorrow her life could be turned upside down, and those things that she cherishes and enjoys now might not be there –- including her spouse, child and "new mommy" friends. Wouldn't it be nice to know that you still have those relationships and the support of those friends? The complaints she's hearing from them now were very likely some of hers in the past. Were I her, I might try to change the tone of the relationships, but in no way would I eliminate them. -- KRISTIN K., NEW CITY, N.Y.

DEAR KRISTIN: That's mature thinking. A reader in Minnesota sent me the following, and its message rings true: "Make new friends, but keep the old/The worth of true friendship exceeds that of gold."

FROM MY COLLECTION OF LIMERICKS:

A wonderful bird is the pelican

His beak holds more than his belican

He can hold in his beak

Enough food for a week

I don't see how in the helican.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)