DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to the letter from "Can't Stand It in N.J.," whose boyfriend wets the bed every night. There are many misconceptions about incontinence. Chances are he refuses to see a physician because he is embarrassed or may not understand the treatment options and resources available to him. Abby, he is not alone in this. An estimated 25 million Americans are plagued by incontinence problems.

Incontinence, if left undiagnosed and untreated, can be debilitating. It may cause the loss of independence, self-respect and healthy sexuality. But, despite these potential consequences, the majority of people with incontinence -- 66 percent -- have never discussed the subject of urinary health with a doctor or nurse.

It's time to help people address this "taboo" subject. The National Association for Continence (NAFC), is a nonprofit organization whose mission is to educate the public about the causes and cures for incontinence. We offer a free packet of information about incontinence, including a brochure titled "Seeking Treatment" to help prepare for a visit with a doctor to make a first visit as productive as possible.

Please encourage any of your readers with questions about incontinence to call our NAFC toll-free number (800) 252-3337. It is staffed by a full-time health educator to answer questions for callers. We also have a Web site, www.nafc.org, filled with information about incontinence, treatment and management options.

I strongly encourage "Can't Stand It" to contact NAFC for information and present it to her boyfriend so he can be educated and encouraged to seek help. Incontinence can be managed or treated -- and it will allow both of them to improve their quality of life together. -- NANCY MULLER, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, NAFC

DEAR NANCY: Since printing that letter, I have received letters from readers informing me that incontinence can be caused by a variety of ailments -- which include allergies, spinal cord problems, a sleep disorder and kidney disease, to name a few. Most of these problems can be dealt with if a person is willing to discuss them with a medical professional.

"Can't Stand It" indicated that her boyfriend steadfastly refused to see a doctor about his problem, and she had reached the end of her rope in waking up every morning in a wet bed, so I told her it was time to say goodbye. If this was something he couldn't help, I wouldn't have been so quick to say it. However, it's hard to find sympathy for a person who is not willing to help himself.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old boy with one request: a girlfriend. I have tried, on five separate occasions, to explain to my mother that I'm not her little boy anymore, but I'm bad with words and my message did not get through. She's afraid I'm going to have sex and get in trouble with the cops, but I'm not that kind of person.

I know what to do and what not to do, but my mom won't listen. All I want is a little affection from someone other than my relatives. Is that so wrong? -- NEEDS HELP IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR NEEDS HELP: No, it's not wrong; it's normal. Your mother might wish to keep you "safely out of trouble," but she's going about it in the wrong way. You would be better served if your mother made certain that you know what you need to assure that you make smart and healthy choices, because in a very short time you will no longer be asking her permission. No one can hold back the hands of time, and you're maturing right on schedule.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My problem is my neighbor's home basketball court. The parents are oblivious to how far the noise travels. My ears are constantly assaulted by the thump, thump and screaming of children that goes along with the game. It's impossible on most days and evenings to sit on my porch and read a book, or in my living room without closing the windows.

Most people hate to complain to the offending neighbors because they're nice people, even though they are clueless. Zoning board members: How about outlawing basketball hoops in neighborhoods where there's less than 500 feet between houses? Give us a break.

As taxpayers, we're assessed to provide bigger and better playgrounds and school gyms. That's where basketball hoops belong. Driveways shouldn't supersede the local playground. Please, parents, unless you live on a lot that's an acre or larger, take down that horrid noisemaker and take the kids to the playground. Show some consideration for your neighbors. -- FRACTURED EARDRUM IN THE SUNBELT

DEAR FRACTURED: Whether or not the sound of children playing is an annoying racket depends on one's perspective. If you are a parent, the sound is music to the ears -- and when those days are over, the happy sound will be missed.

Sometimes being a good neighbor involves striking a compromise. Since you're being driven out of your gourd, speak to the parents of these budding basketball stars and negotiate some time limits for the games.

DEAR ABBY: A treasured friend of my mother's -- a lady who knew me from birth (I am now 56) -- passed away recently. I was brought up to call her "Auntie." She was closer to me than some of my blood relatives. My children and I adored her. We called her long-distance, sent her flowers on special occasions, and saw her every time she came to town -- which was two to four times a year.

Finally it was necessary for her to go to a nursing home. The last time we went to visit her, the nurses said, "Oh, didn't you know? She passed away a month ago!" Her only son lives far away. He never bothered to call and notify us. We had to find out the hard way.

Abby, our number was in her current phone and address book. We were never given the opportunity to mourn. Her son didn't think enough of us to even pick up the phone. He knew we loved his mother and that we included her in all our family gatherings. I'm sad and angry at his lack of compassion.

Auntie had four husbands die on her. We loved them all and called them "Uncle," and planned all the funerals with Auntie's son in full agreement. So what could have been the problem?

Abby, won't you please remind your readers again to call dear friends about a death in the family? This is inexcusable. We are ... MOURNING IN TACOMA, WASH.

DEAR MOURNING: Your problem is more common than you think. Often when there's a death in the family, a close friend will assume the sad task of phoning the people in the deceased's address book to notify them. Obviously, this was not done on the occasion of Auntie's death -- and your letter poignantly illustrates the pain that can be caused by the unfortunate oversight.

Please give Auntie's son the benefit of the doubt. Assume that he was so grief-stricken by the loss of his mother that he was unable to make the calls he should have made. When your anger has lessened, write to tell him how deeply disturbed and saddened you were to learn of his mother's death from nursing home staff rather than from him and offer your condolences.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: For 35 years I have been married to the most manipulative, cunning, critical man ever born. "Homer" gets what he wants by using "helpful hints," offering "advice" and telling me "what's best," and sometimes even getting blue in the face and crying. He is very good at it, never quite overplaying his hand. He wears me down until I finally give in.

By using this technique, Homer has made sure that we live where he wants to live, vacation where he wants to go, drive the car he likes, and have even decorated our home in his preferred colors.

During the first years of our marriage, I gave in because I loved him. Later, I did it to avoid an argument. Now I do it out of habit. I loathe Homer for making me a doormat, and I loathe myself for allowing it to happen.

Homer will be retiring after the first of the year with a very nice annuity, which I feel I have earned, too. I have a small pension, but it's too small to live on my own. I don't know if I can bear Homer's company 24/7, but can I really start again at 65?

Everyone calls us the "perfect couple," but I am miserable and he is driving me closer to the door. I have often thought of just packing up and leaving. Can you help? -- SAD IN THE SOUTH

DEAR SAD: Since you know you can't bear your husband's company 24/7, consider some alternatives. One solution might be to volunteer your time to a worthy cause. According to AARP, research has proven that regular volunteering prolongs life expectancy and improves a person's physical and psychological well-being. In your case, it is essential.

The National Senior Service Corps specializes in placing older volunteers in volunteer assignments in their communities. Three national programs under the NSSC umbrella are the Foster Grandparent Program, the Senior Companion Program, and the Retired and Senior Volunteer Program -- a "one-stop shopping" for senior volunteers. To find out what's available in your community, call (800) 424-8867, or search online at: joinseniorservice.org.

As to your not having enough money to live on your own, volunteers are sometimes hired for full-time positions -- and that would mean your economic situation could change for the better. Please consider volunteering, because it could serve a dual purpose and save your sanity.

DEAR ABBY: You often advise people to seek counseling from psychotherapists. You are "right on" with that advice, but please also tell them not to give up if the therapist they find doesn't work for them.

I am 60 years old and on my fourth therapist. I finally found someone who is helping me, and I feel great. I didn't give up and all my hard work is paying off.

I spent most of my life wishing I were dead. It will take time to work through the feelings that took years to cultivate. My "temporary" problem lasted more than 50 years. If I can get better, anyone can.

The money I'm paying my therapist (none of which is covered by insurance) is cheap at twice the price. I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel and I am at peace. -- FEELING BETTER IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR FEELING BETTER: Congratulations on your progress. I'm pleased you finally found a therapist who is meeting your needs. Sometimes finding that "perfect fit" can be a process of trial and error, and I commend you for not giving up.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)