DEAR ABBY: I agree with your advice 95 percent of the time. However, I disagree with your comments to "Heartsick in N.Y.," the widow who said a young woman had shown up on her doorstep claiming to be her deceased husband's illegitimate daughter.

That young woman didn't ask to be born from an affair. Although I'm sure the widow is heartsick, there is no way to easily break that kind of news to anyone. It is a sad situation, but neither side is at fault. If "Heartsick" is unsure about paternity, a simple DNA test can be done to prove the truth. -- CHERYL IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR CHERYL: That's true. And that is why I advised "Heartsick" to contact her lawyer right away. However, my gut told me that something might be amiss. And here's why. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Heartsick's" letter had "con artist" written all over it. Please inform her that there are people who check the obituaries every day for the names of people who die. They get all the personal information and show up when the survivors are not thinking clearly.

Pictures can be doctored, and the information about the husband being in the sports field, I'm sure, was public knowledge. It's a simple matter, with today's technology, to scan pictures and digitally alter them, even to the point of merging them with other pictures.

If the husband was clever enough to have kept his affair and the child hidden for 20 years, and he wanted to help the girl with college tuition, don't you think he'd have devised a way to provide for her financial security? And if that girl was really his daughter, don't you think she'd have been more sensitive than to have approached his widow at a time like that? -- BEEN CONNED IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR CONNED: I agree with you. There are better ways to approach someone than to tell the person the last 20 years of her marriage was a lie. And one of them is through an intermediary. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My 37-year-old husband was killed by a drunk driver. His picture appeared in the newspaper. My husband was a very handsome man who had been successful in sales.

When I returned from his funeral, I found, mixed in with the condolence notes, a letter from a woman claiming that my husband was the father of her child. She said she was willing to leave town and not embarrass us, but needed money to do so. I did not contact a lawyer -- I called the police. They contacted the FBI and the woman was caught.

It was a scam that she had used successfully before. I recommend that "Heartsick" call the police, and certainly demand a DNA test, before giving the woman anything. -- SYMPATHETIC IN HAWAII

DEAR SYMPATHETIC: You're a quick thinker. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Heartsick" was right on the money. Here's how I handled the same situation after being contacted by an "adult daughter" asking me to "share something to help her remember her dad." I told her I'd be glad to. I photocopied the funeral bill and sent it to her immediately, with a request she pay her portion in cash.

I know it may sound crass, but I never heard from her again. -- NOBODY'S FOOL, BROOKSVILLE, FLA.

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DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of four years, "Harold," and I are starting to discuss marriage and starting a family. I am hesitant because of one thing: We have very different views about disciplining children.

My parents never used violence as a form of punishment, and I don't want to use it to discipline my kids. I think that other methods of discipline work just as well, without destroying the bond between parent and child.

When Harold was young, his father would discipline the kids by hitting them with a belt. Harold sees nothing wrong with this, although the only argument seems to be, "I turned out OK."

This is only partially true. Both Harold and his brother have big anger management issues. I love him and would love to spend the rest of my life with him, but this is a major issue for me.

Do you think this marriage would work, and are there any good compromises we could agree on? -- NON-VIOLENT IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR NON-VIOLENT: Your boyfriend may believe that he has turned out OK, but the fact that he has anger management problems proves that he didn't. Before any decisions about marriage are made, Harold should get professional help to get to the root of his problems, which are likely the result of his father's abuse.

You and Harold should enroll in classes on child development and parenting. Some hospitals, high schools and community colleges offer them. Unless the two of you can reach a firm agreement about this subject, you should NOT marry. The marriage would last only until he raised a hand or a belt to you or your little one -- and then it would be history, and rightly so. Children respond far better to praise than to punishment. The only thing that hitting a child proves is that violence is acceptable.

DEAR ABBY: I am 16 and a junior in high school. My best friend says there may be something wrong with me. When I was younger, I was a hard-core tomboy. I stayed that way until I got to be 13.

Finally, in my freshman year of high school, I began to wear makeup on occasion -- but to this day, I have never been interested in dating guys. I mean I like guys, but I don't care to DATE them. People look at me like I'm crazy when they hear me say that. Once a guy I know said he thought I was gay. I'm not. Now my friend is saying I might have a problem.

Abby, do I? Is it OK not to be drooling over guys right now? Should I date so people won't get the impression I'm gay? Please help. -- NOT INTERESTED IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR NOT INTERESTED: No, and it is OK not to be obsessed with boys right now. Not everyone -- male or female -- matures at the same rate. I have received letters from readers telling me they didn't become seriously interested in a romantic relationship until they were 18 or 19, or even older. You may be a late bloomer.

People are "coming out" much earlier than they used to, and were you attracted to people of the same sex, you would probably know it. If you don't think you're gay, you probably aren't. Do not allow yourself to be pressured into dating until you are ready. To do otherwise would be doing yourself and the other person a disservice.

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DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Bound and Gagged in Pennsylvania" would have been considered correct in the past. As a retired police captain, I would have given similar advice years ago. However, today, with information gained primarily from carjackings, as well as situations like the armed robbery described in your column, advice has changed.

Too often, victims (particularly children) who permit themselves to be tied up or abducted are assaulted or killed. The robber in the letter from "Bound and Gagged" had permitted the women to see his face. That's a cue that he may not have intended to leave them alive.

Every case is different, but perhaps the woman could have taken the opportunity when the girl struck out to attempt an escape or to raise an alarm. You have to play any incident as you see it, but we no longer advise people to just give in. -- BILL P. IN MINNESOTA

DEAR BILL P.: Thank you for writing. A number of readers took exception to my answer, and their opinions deserve to be aired. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As a former police officer, I feel you did a disservice in judging the young robbery victim's reaction to the threat as wrong. It seems clear to me that she was acting on her strong instincts of self-preservation. I would be loath to characterize her response as improper. In fact, I think she displayed tremendous courage.

That robber had given neither woman any reason to trust him. There have been numerous instances in which victims were bound and gagged prior to being shot in the back of the head, execution-style, for no other reason than to prevent witnesses.

I would never suggest that anyone fight an armed attacker over mere money. However, when the attacker demands that you trust him with your bound-and-gagged life, I'd say the decision to fight or submit must be left with the person threatened. -- STEPHANIE M., BREMEN, OHIO

DEAR STEPHANIE: I bow to your expertise. You have witnessed violence and its aftermath more than I.

DEAR ABBY: Remember Flight 93 on 9/11? If the passengers on that plane had taken your advice, the plane would have either crashed into the White House or the Capitol. And remember the shoe bomber? If those passengers had taken your advice, they all would have died. Remember the advice they used to give to women who were about to be raped? "Don't fight back; you might get hurt." Wrong! You usually get hurt anyway, often killed after being tortured. -- BILL M., GARRISON, MONT.

DEAR BILL M.: In the cases you have cited, the choice was clear-cut -- fight or die. Not every situation is this way. How does one know when to take the risk?

DEAR ABBY: In the past, I let people harm me because I was told it was "safer" than fighting back. I now know otherwise. One determined woman can easily overpower a man, let alone two determined women! You were correct in terms of encouraging them to take self-defense classes. Many of the students, myself included, have found self-defense training has helped us to become more assertive in many other areas of our lives. I'll leave you with a favorite saying I was taught in self-defense class: It's not the size of the woman in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the woman! -- GISELE IN BERKELEY

DEAR GISELE: I agree that knowledge is power and that includes how to defend oneself. Sadly, although I was raised with the principle that violence is wrong, in instances like this, I now realize that it may be necessary to fight for one's life in order to save it.

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